Six Feet Under

Hostage

-J
It's been a while since I decide to stop hurting myself with her memories. It's been a while since she is not around, since we gave our last kiss.

Being honest I never thought that this could be even possible, living without her, having her the whole time in my mind but not being able to touch her. I never thought it was possible to be at the point of my life I'm drowning for someone who hurted me and don't even care about it. Never ever thought that knowing her for so long will cause this. I swear I never saw this coming, not for me.

It is true that I wasn't the only one who loved her. But, it was different with me, in so many ways. I really loved her. I really cared about her. I really felt through my veins all I told her. But what was behind the idea of her being with me? What I wanted to change? What I wanted to feel? What I wanted her to feel?

I knew that she  might need someone to show her what love really is. I thought she needed someone to show her that not all human being in this world is going to hurt her the way she do to everyone who loved her. I wanted to feel that I can showed her, that I can make her feel something but, love. I wanted to feel powerful, with energies, with a reason to be. Regardless at the end was just pain.

I really, I fucking really thought she was my one. She will, because I will never going to love like that ever again. It was a young love; adventurous and risky love. Against what people thought about us, against our friends comments. Against what I knew some else felt for her. Against everything. She will never gotta  have the chance to know how strong was that love she missed and play with until she get told. But honestly, how I see it,  won't tell her. She can wonder who could love her like us did, but she won't find the same love for the third time. And, if she does she is lucky. Really lucky too keep finding unconditional love.

Otherwise, myself wanted to become one with her. Myself was not ready for this. To wake up every morning without her, to wake up with her in my mind, to wake up missing her.

I don't know what to do with the part of her that still on me. I can still feel her, hear her laugh, I can still feeling the way she put her touch on me. I found myself doing my skin the same way she did all the time. Because she made me, she made this on me. She made the sick part of me.

It's consuming all inside my head, not having someone to tell all this, not having someone to give my pain to, because at the end I need to feel this. I'm getting used to feel this because of her. Is the only way I can still feeling that she is close. Maybe I like it, maybe I do want to keep the pain she caused.

How is this even possible? I'm dying slowly...

It's been a long way ago since I don't know nothing about her. I tried to reach her, to get answers and got nothing that could calm this feeling of needing her. Got nothing to stop this feeling and the need of knowing what happened at the end. Got nothing that tells me what was on her mind. Why she hurted me that way after all we been through in this, in our life. I would like to know what made her that way. I never imagined this when I meet her for the second time in my life. When I started to catch feelings for her without reason. I never imagine that she could be such a monster with us. How empty my soul was to think she could fill me? How empty she felt to do this to us. What I did wrong to deserve this from her. If she ever talk to me again -I doubt- I will asker that.

It was a different story those days. I watched her looking nowhere and she was the best thing that could ever happened to me. In all of this going on, what I didn't see, what she wasn't telling me; I will never know. What I didn't notice? I was in love, I am still and I don't know how to pretend that I don't care when she is the only person that cross my mind every second. And since she left my side I do still worry about her.

Having her wrapped around my arms, listening to music and talking while I was in another world, another dimension of my life; not knowing her plans but enjoying the time. I looked at her all the times I could hoping not to be this the last one, but it was our last time. Not expecting that, not leaving my hopes of breaks, regretting not being able to see this coming. But deep inside me is a time I dont want to remember but everytime I saw myself in the mirror is there, she.

Laying in my bed, I wanted be alone for so long, but I really wanted be alone with her. Does that make any sense after all?
I wanna steal my soul from her, and hide it back in my chest as my last treasure. I want myself back, the part of me she stole from me. Just want it back.

I don't know what to do with her kiss on my neck. I don't know what feels true anymore, what is real and what is not.
But it feels right so say that I wanted her to stay more time. It won't matter now, she's gone. I would ask again for a bit more time; to heal. Now that I am ready to lose her again, now that I know how it feels seeing her leaving. Now that I learn how to expect time to be last.

She is all I wanted. If she ever come back, just if. I beg God to let me hold her once again for a second. I learned now how to love. I learned how to love as dangerous as you are. I can love her again, better and will be like I learned from her. Now that I know how to love her, in pieces. Giving love but not care, giving pain at goodbyes. Now that I learned that's the way she needed to be loved, in half. Maybe that way, our love could have last forever. Because that way was never going to be too much, or too few, to tiring or too needed, I could last forever in pieces, small pieces and by the time we get to know it was over, we had been lived a life together. But my dear, I wasn't born for half love. I wasn't born to suffer or cry over her. I was born to love her, but not as much as I did and that was the part she didn't let me learn from her; half love. I loved her way too much to be real. But now I know that I was born to be loved back as much as I do, I was born to find someone else but you. Because you had me like a hostage and I am a free lover.

She had Fake gold on her fingertips. Fingertips against my cheek like a knife. Fake gold leaf across your lips cutting off my soul in pieces before falling apart and giving the back. Why you kissed me until I couldn't speak, I could saved myself from you.

Gold chain beneath her memories, everything was like gold to me. But she just had Fake gold.