Six Feet Under

Feelings Fade

-K

Time has passed fast. Faster than I thought, but she still in my thoughts before going to bed. She was never gone, somehow she is in the wind, in the happy days, in my boxes full of memories, in my sleep and awake times. She still alive but somehow dead for me. She never left because we never said goodbye. I can still hear her voice, her laugh, still seeing her manners, expressions everything about her still so vivid in my memories. The way she stared at me, the way she bite her lips; still with me. And, somehow I can't bury all of it without any reason.

After all this years scared of writing and not getting an answer; my part just did nothing but, she never wrote me back. It's been so long since we stopped talking that I really don't know why. Life has been not fair to me when it comes to erase her from my memories. I will never be the same person again and honestly was all because of her. I left to find a way out of my innocence to grow mature and take her with me. Wherever she wanted to be. That wouldn't matter if I couldn't leave, I wanted to stay but I had to leave. I tired to get back, but she didn't let me. I was there, waiting for her to turn around, I was so happy to see her after months, after all but she never saw me. I didn't wanted to run after her, no, I didn't wanted her to break my heart in front of all the people she was with. I didn't wanted to be one more in a broken heart list. Because she was my everything.

I still have all our projects, wishing one day we can finish them. Hoping that one day at least I can brave enough to read all of it again but for now I just can't imagine how long it will take for me to get over her. Take over my cries before falling asleep.

I wonder what we got missed. Where we lost each other and why. I wonder what is on her mind. I thought she was going to be the only one for me after our high school season. There was nothing more important to me than her. And I was going to fight her freedom, her happiness but she might even didn't loved me like I thought. Do she really even cared about me? Do she really know how grateful I was for seeing her after spending the worst nights of my life? Do she really knew she was the only person keeping me alive? She don't and probably she will never know.

The hard part of all is the music. What put us together at first. All of those things that we shared and put us in the same path. All of those things that I can't listen, read or see today because of her. She is so pretty in my memories that now is like thorns. If I listen to the music we used to listen years ago I will remember her with no doubt. I can see her practicing and dancing our favorites songs, with a funny expression on her face or a lovely expression on her manners trying to make it. I still can see her inviting me, showing me how to make a dance. I can still feeling her and it's scary not knowing how to get her off my skin.

I really thought she knew what she meant to me but after me realizing she don't; it was too late. I wish she knew. I don't know what that could changed for better or worst in the present but I'm sure I was going to be there always and forever as I promised to my little girl. I wasn't mature enough to treat her like a mother should or to give her the love a mother has for her child, but my love was unconditional no matter what. I loved her even more than I did to myself.

Sometimes I think of all we had together as friends; the promises we made, the connection we had, the plan. Because being honest to her, she is the only person in my life to whom I shared the best I had at that moment. I was so damn empty, broke and lonely regardless having my friends. I was feeling so bad that I loved her that way I wanted to be loved. She perfectly fit in my broken heart. I wanted to make her stay somehow beside me no matter what.  I needed her like air to breathe. I could spend sleepless nights just trying to make something for her to be happy if he had a bad day. I was there even when she just wanted to be alone and left us sitting in the floor. I knew I've felt something for her but didn't know what until I really missed her a night I couldn't sleep. Until she was gone every day after school. I was too young to tell to her that I was confused and I'm probably in love with her.

She was the only person I was willing to give my life to. I really meant that. That time, now there's someone else. I was so young and I will always regret not being able to tell her my feelings. Maybe I did, maybe she wasn't smart enough to notice it. Nothing in my past was so worth than spending my time with her. I was hurting myself before getting to know that I loved her so damn bad that I choose to be quiet and lose her.

I still remember the promises I made -we-. I was too young to understand how much I loved her. I was too young to understand how much I needed her. But worst of all, too young to fight her love. Why her, why It has to be her? I was thinking that I was making my best decision at that time. That she was happy.

I gave her all I had, leaving nothing to myself. I gave her a love I'm never going to see again. I can see her in my eyes, same shape. We really felt like mother and daughter or was just an excuse of her to make people feel that she really cared? What was the hidden truth about our stupid games. Does she really loved me, loved us? It's so fucking hard to live with it. With the stupid idea that one day we are going to be face to face. I hate the feeling of going to be close to her again and not being able to do something about it. I do wish so bad to wake up in a day years ago knowing that I will need to get ready for school and she will receive me with one of the biggest and warm hugs I ever had. I wish I could do that just for a day. But Im sorry, I'm probably the only one with good memories left.

I still have our memories so vivid. I can close my eyes and try to make her standing in front of me and I will feel her real. I still have my promises attached to my soul, her voice in my mind calling me all over again. "Eomma". I miss her now and tomorrow. Probably my entire life. I was happy, in my small space around her.  

Even the time going I still loving her, my daughter. Because I've never  had learned how to stopped loving her. I never figured a way out. I fell in love with the most unexpected person in the most unexpected time of my life. How can someone like her can cause so much pain after all happened.

I was not mature enough to tell her how much I loved her and still doing. I tried to be there for her every single second regardless of what I was going through. But it wasn't enough.

And I will regret not knowing how life could be still around her. What would've change or what not. What I could've done to make it better to still have her by my side. Because deep inside she still hurting. I miss her so fucking bad. I wish I never left, but somehow was the best thing I could ever done and voiding being there to see her with someone else because I never told her. She was so many reasons in my life starting with our friendship; juplee.

The four of us being invincible to the world. Our love was stronger than anything else. Stronger than could anybody imagine. Because somehow I think was making that was me. I put all together making the part of me I didn't had. One of each of us was a part of a soul. But two of the lonely ones, that gives all become one for her. Why we thought she needed us to do something for her?

What if in a different world she was giving all while we just make fun? How it feels being that way. I don't know. I know it's hard to get over this but we are making it. Slowly but definitively. I wish a response could calm my fears and wondering of how is she doing so far. Or what I can do or could have done to still with her.

I never stopped my over protective mom side for her, what she did to me was confusing. I never lied, or never said enough. All I wrote with her name, all the love she got from my stories, all the caring and fun, I gave her in my stories, all I imagine her having with a good person by her side. Protecting and loving her the way she deserved was a unconscious way to tell her I deadly wish that was me in a future. UPT being really what it was, me having a man that loves me entirely with the soul, and her having hers becomes a single person. I would be Taemin and Minho and I be her.  All the ideas we had, friends, mom and daughter, sisters, become just strangers. As we never meet before. But I was never clear about the feelings. I couldn't do more for her, loved her more, cared more, protected more, nothing. And If I keep telling what I never did I will never stop talking. Like I will never stop loving her.

She was my whole world and there's nothing that can change my mind on that. Because she is and she will always be the biggest part of my soul.