Stepping Stones

I hate you

"Skyler when are you gonna stop?" Zach said.
"Stop what?"
"Treating us like shit!" Noah shouted. Hmm guess they all want to shout at me.

"Maybe if you didn't abandon me for 3 years, things would be different. And now you wanna waltz back into my life and act like everything's great and nothing parted and mum and dad are still alive? NO that's not how this works." I screamed at them tears threatening to spill.

"You have any idea how hard you made/make it" dean started. "We tried but nothing!" He continued.
"Wow a whole month and you gave up. Still after leaving me in the dark for 3 years, I wanted you to carrying on trying, but you didn't and it showed you didn't care" I sassed.

"I'm gonna ask you again, where were you? Because you stink of weed, your eyes are red. We'll talk about what you said after you answer my question" James said calmly.

"Why is that any of your business?"

"BECAUSE OUR BABY SISTER IS SMOKING, GETTING HIGH AND DRUNK!" Elliot shouted.
"You have zero proof I was smoking and getting high"
"YOU ARE THE DAMN PROOF!"
"I was with people that were!" I defended myself. I mean I wasn't lying, it just wasn't the whole story.

"Fine. Whatever just go to bed, I can't deal with this shit, I have Tyler and now you. We'll talk about it in the morning, but you're grounded, give me your phone" Zach said as the rest walked out still fuming.

"I HATE YOU PEOPLE!" I screamed and threw my phone at him, full force.
He caught it with an 'umph'. I ran to the door a slammed it before he could could shut it himself.

I pulled up my sleeve and cried at the sight of it. My cuts weren't too deep but they still looked bad.

My brothers annoy the shit out of me, why, why is this my life.

Why has the past week just suddenly hit me like a damn truck.

What is happening? I'm so lost, the only control I have in my life is my cutting. I need it.

I put on one of my brothers sweaters, hey I mean even if we're not talking imma still gonna take their shit, and some sweatpants.

I went into the bathroom, washed my face and all that then went into bed.

"Night mum, night dad" I said looking from the pictures of them, to upwards. "I'm sorry if I've disappointed you, I wanna make you proud, it's just hard when no one knows your pain, I feel so isolated in the family without you guys, I'm sorry. I love you guys, see you when I do."

And with that. I cried myself to sleep.

Next morning

"Hey sky, come one wake up, we need to talk... as a family" I heard Zach opening my door.

"Go away" I dug myself deeper into the warm duvet.

"No, we need to get up. So come on. Chop. Chop." He opened my curtains and clapped his hands.

"Fuck off"
"Do you want your phone back or not?"
"Didn't I tell you to go away"
"Right guess we have to do this the hard way" he mumbled more to himself.

Suddenly the duvet is ripped off me.
"HEY!" I shouted wanted my warmth back.

"Up we get" he grabbed me by my waist and put me over his shoulder.

"ZACH, GET OFF ME" I squirmed.
"You know if you squirm, you'll fall."
"Whatever"
We got downstairs and he threw me on the couch.

"Right we need a talk" dean said.
"Ok" I really don't care about this.
"Do you even care about this?" Dean continued.
"Not even a little bit" I sighed looking at my chipped nail polish.
"For god sake" Zach muttered under his breath.

"What is there to talk about?" I asked.
"Hmmm I don't know the fact you came home high and smelling of alcohol, weed and smoke" Jason said getting annoyed.
"Didn't I already tell you, I was with people that were smoking"
"Yep whatever you say" Jason said looking pissed. And I mean pissed.

"Skyler get a grip, don't think we'll be fooled by you because, we're not and we won't. This needs to stop we've let it go on long enough and we're tired of never seeing you, you're either out or in your room. You worry us to death, do you seriously not think we were worried about you when you were with mum and dad- But we had no authority over them, or you because you were with them. Yes they supported you, but apart from that,were they good parents? No. They smoked weed, and I wouldn't be surprised if they did it with you, they got drunk, let you drink, they smoked around you. You realise that's so irresponsible as a parent. They should be protecting you, instead they were partying with you. That's not ok. Now we're your legal guardians, we just want the best for you" James gave me a full out lecture. I felt upset at first. But now I'm just angry. How dare they say mum and dad were bad parents, they were bad kids. They're gone now and they're being horrible about them. "FUCK YOU. MUM AND DAD ARE DEAD AND YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO TALK ABOUT THEM LIKE THAT. CALLING THEM BAD PARENTS. I HATE YOU ALL SO DAMN MUCH AND I CANT EXPRESS HOW STRONG THAT HATRED IS!" I ran up to my room and slammed my door. For like the fifth million time this week. I walked into my bathroom and got a new razor, I snapped it apart and took the blades out. I pulled up my shorts and got the blade.

Getting more toilet roll I tried to clean my leg up. Only two cuts. But pretty deep. It hasn't stopped and it's been over 5 minutes, it's slowed down a lot. This is the deepest I've ever gone. I think this time I'll actually need to bandage it. I looked in my cabinet and got out a gauze and a bandage. I wrapped it around my leg tightly.

I changed my shorts in sweatpants as not to be caught. But I just stayed in my room anyway.

They're right, the boys are right, mum and dad weren't good parental figures, friends yes. But parents. No. I'm only just finding this out now.

I trudge downstairs and see all my brothers including Tyler sat watching some nonsense on tv. I walk towards the cupboard and go to grab something to eat. I get some birthday cake golden Oreos. I climb up on the bar stools and sit at the counter. Opening the packet I put on in my mouth only to see them all looking at me eat. I feel self conscious.
"Yeah?" I muffled out having chewed up oreo.