The Art of Letting Go

3. ...at the Wrong Time

The Art of Letting Go

3. ...at the Wrong Time

I should have known. Roller coasters take you up, but the higher you get, the lower you'll go when you crash. And sadly, I felt like I was on the way of crashing and breaking every single part of myself. And the one part that was completely broken, was my heart.

Not too long after the moment, I understood it had all happened too fast. One month was not enough time for us to love one another. Things had been too rushed. We only knew a single part of each other and it was not enough. Little things I did, little things he did made us snap at each other constantly.

And then there were those sweet moments. Those nights we spent beside each other trying to unravel the universe's secrets, deciphering the constellations and seeing beyond the darkness. The moments when he would appear in his mother's office and took me eating new things. The moments where he'd grabbed my hand because some guy was checking me out. The moments I felt I was his and he was mine.

But after one month of relationship. it all began crashing down. Coincidence? Everything happened after one month. He was driving silently, while I looked through the window. He was mad at me. I was mad at him. Why? I was a strong believer of happiness. 'Life's too short to stop smiling' I always said. But everything had changed since Gale entered my life. Sigh.

The view from my window was beautiful. The blue ocean seemed limitless, powerful, and invincible. I knew it wasn't like that. There was a point where you wouldn't find any more ocean. There was a point when you would find steady ground instead. And that was the moment where you would understand that you can't escape reality.

"So, you're not going to say anything?" He asked in that horrible tone. I felt accused. He always needed to know, while I was content with simplicity.

"What do you want me to say?" I responded. Too many expectations. That was Gale's mayor problem. He wanted me to do things, to be different. How could be love me if he didn't accept me for who I was?

"Dammit, Emma!" He snapped and punched the steering wheel. He was really mad this time. "Why can't you care a little more?"

"I care, Gale! I do care. I care about you, I care about us. Don't you think if I didn't I would still be with you?" I told him.

"Do you even love me?" He asked me. I turned to look at him. His eyes were looking at mine, searching for an answer. I felt them penetrating my face, expecting an answer I didn't know how to give.  Love, what is love? 

I believed in love without expectations, love without attachment. I believed that to completely love a person you needed to understand that he/she was a human being of his own. The person you fall in love with can have thoughts, feelings and dreams and they are personal. You didn't have to become one, you needed to be two individuals in love.

Gale didn't feel that way. He needed me to depend on him. He needed me to need him and that was something I couldn't do. I didn't love him the way he did.

"Gale, I..." He didn't let me finish. He got off his car and slammed the door. I heard him curse. Getting off the car, I walked slowly to his side. He was breathing hard. "Gale?"

"Don't." He looked at me and I felt scared by the coldness of his gaze. That was not my Gale. "Don't try to make this right. It's not! I love you, Emma! Why is it so difficult to you to love me back?" He ended his question in a loud tone. We were alone, thankfully. The shore was deserted and the road was transited by a minimum number of cars.  

"I love you, I truly do. You're this amazing guy that has dreams and ambitions and goals. You're this person that cares for me and my needs. You take me on this wild adventures and make me feel alive." I told him while taking his hand on mine. He gave me a sad smile and sighed.

"But?" It was his turn to ask the question.

My soul was begging me to not let him go. There was a part of me, one that was powerful and I didn't understand, that adored Gale. It was much more than love. There was a strong connection between us. One that neither of us had understood.

"We love each other in an individual way. We don't love in the same form. I love you, but I love my freedom. And you love me, but you love me dependent on you. I don't think it works that way, Gale." I ended my sentence in a whisper.

The part of me that loved him was feeling pain, but the rest was relieved. I was not good for expressing myself, but I needed to do so this time. I could not fool him. He deserved to be happy and so did I.  

"So, this is it?" He asked. Something in his voice told me that he was feeling the same way I did.  

"I guess. It's the best for the both of us." A tear escaped my eye and he wiped it, while smiling sadly again. He sighed and hugged me. I felt protected in his arms and I wished I could just go back in time and wait a little longer. Things shouldn't have been rushed. Right now we needed this time apart.

"I'll take you to your house. Come on." He grabbed my hand.  

The car drive was silent. He stopped in front of my house and turned the car off. I grabbed his hand and smiled shyly at him.

"The truth is hard to tell. You can kill people by saying it. And you can kill people by keeping it to yourself too." He told me. "I feel like a part of myself is hating this. A part of myself really wanted us forever. And then there's this other part... This other part was telling me that we couldn't be happy together. You cherish your freedom too much. You are not a dependent, nor clingy person. And maybe that's what I need. I need someone to rely on me."

 "I'm sorry, Gale. I think we are perfect, yet opposites of each other." He took my wrist and pulled one of my bracelets. Then he did the same for one of his. He gave me his.

"Here. Remember me. I will never forget you, Emma." He hugged me tightly and I felt my stomach going sick. This is wrong... This is bad...

"I've never been in a situation like this." I told him while sniffing.

"Maybe not now, maybe in some time we could, you know, try again?" He asked while messing his hair up in a nervous way. His idea made me smile brightly.

"We can do that." I opened the door and got out. "Bye, Gale."  "See you later, Stranger." He smiled goodbye. His car drove off, leaving me lost in my mind.

He was the right one, but this was not the right time. But the tears that left my eyes thought otherwise. The pain that grew in my chest thought otherwise.  

And with time, my soul began to loose the connection established with his one. With time, we both forgot.