I Wanted To Tell You I Love You(Philkas)

Facing Fears

LUKAS POV:

Phillip and I got up off the bed, intending to head towards the shower when I heard him let out a gasp in pain. Turning around I shot him a concerned look.

"I'm fine," he said shooting me a weak smile, "just feeling some effects. That's all' he said blushing slightly.

I wrapped him in a tight embrace I murmur, "I'm sorry,"  not wanting him to be hurt. I opened my mouth to apologize some more when I felt a soft slap hit my shoulder.

"Hey!" I exclaimed drawing back to look at him, "What the hell was that for?"

he just looked me dead in the eyes and said seriously, "Don't you dare apologize. Unless you truly feel guilty about it." he looked down like he wanted to say something more but decided against it at the last second. He thought I felt guilty...

I love you, Phillip. I don't feel guilty about any of it anymore.

those were the words I wanted to say. Instead, I just kissed him, "I don't feel guilty." I whispered honestly, not sure he even heard me. He just closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against mine. This simple moment seemed just as intimate as the acts we'd just finished committing. There was something about this moment that made my stomach ache and I once again wanted so desperately to tell him how I felt.

"Phillip..." I whispered, wanting to tell him, "I...I..." I struggled to find a way to express my thoughts.

"Shhhh" Phillip whispered back, "I know. You don't have to say anything."

I just looked back at him. His eyes were full of understanding and oh so much love. It made my heart break even more as I nodded, unable to form words.

"Let's just go shower alright?" Phillip spoke softly breaking the bond and pulling away. It felt like a slap in the face. Like life's cruel version of waking me up and reminding me why we were hiding here in the first place. I let Phillip guide me towards the shower and turn on the water. It wasn't long before the room was filled with steam and the two of us were engulfed in a spray of hot water. I closed my eyes and allowed the drops to fall down my head and onto my shoulders. My muscles felt fully relaxed for the first time since finding out the killer was still alive and anxious to mark me as his next victim. The only reason I'd held it together was the beautiful boy standing in front of me nonchalantly trying to read my expression through the steam. Phillip. What would my father think if he knew I was showering, with another boy, struggling to tell him the truth. The thought made me want to cry. I could feel all of my pent up emotions raging close to the surface wanting to break free.

"Lukas. Talk to me" I heard Phillips' voice slice through my thoughts, rescuing me from the prison that was my own mind. I opened my eyes and looked down at him. He had a careful look on his face. His jaw was set just like it always was when he had something on his mind. The air was tense and I could tell even as he brought a hand up to cup my cheek, that he was playing his cards carefully afraid I would explode.

I love you

Why couldn't I say it? What was wrong with me it's just three little words. He said it, granted, he didn't think I could hear him, hell he wasn't even sure I'd ever wake up. It's not that Phillip can't, or doesn't want to share his love with me, its that he doesn't think I can handle it. The worst part about this whole dilemma is that he's not wrong. Look at me now. Unable to repeat three simple words I've been suppressing since the day I watched my mother's body be lowered into the ground.

"Luka...Why are you crying?" Phillip asked delicately bringing his other hand up to my face, holding gently like I was about to break.

Shit. I'm going to cry.