Publicly Journaling My Experience With Anxiety, Depression, & Selfworth

It's Not Her Fault

So that talk with my music teacher kind of shook me up. I got lost in my head for a while but to be fair I was already slipping from reality in a way. I get spaced out fairly often but this by far has to be the longest time I was stuck in this odd dreamlike state. I don't know if it's like this for everyone but when I space out it's normally like I'm stuck in a room and the walls are completely smooth there is no bumps or dent. My position in the room is dead center on the floor and I am stuck in the center whether it be in a chair or standing. My surroundings are painted on the walls everything my eyes see is painted, even the people. Sometimes the room likes to get spicy and it'll feel like I'm stuck underwater. Honestly Chloe Moriondo song Spaceland feels like pretty accurate for me when my feelings are more lost for lack of a better word.

Sorry, anyways the experience that my teacher could tell that I was going through some shit was, well, I still don't know what to feel about it but when I think about it I feel a sense of gratefulness and sadness and maybe even a hint of fear. Damn, I really sidetracked but anyways I was thinking about why I had so much anxiety and why I over critique myself and I realized I've asked myself this question before and the answer really was that from fourth grade to eighth grade I emotionally abused myself. At least that what I assumed happened. I remember the first time it crossed my mind was when I was watching an animation talking about experiences with abuse. When they said the abuser emotionally abused them and explained what it was a question popped into my mind.

"Could you emotionally abuse yourself?"

Now I thought about it and searched it up and what I found was almost the exact things I did for about four years straight. The first time that happened it didn't affect me too much. I was just like, "Oh, I can't believe I did that." But now revisiting that same question I hated myself. I hated my younger self for being so dumb as to think that abusing yourself would prepare you for bullies because obviously, that's what the real world is like. For almost a day I absolutely hated myself before I actually got the courage to tell someone that I was not okay. Now the guy that I told has gone through some rough shit like god bless his soul.

But he told me this,

"Hey
Look
Listen
I did the same thing. a huge piece of my depression is for seeing my dad punch my mom in the face when i was about five years old
I blamed myself for not saying anything
I delt with that for years in silence
I got a therapist
she really helped me realize it wasnt my fault
i was just trying to stay safe
you were just scared
and your fear manifested into that"

I really isn't my fault or my past self's fault. It was an instinctive reaction. A self-preservation tactic. Had I known what it would've done to me I probably would have stopped. It's not her fault and it isn't mine but what's important is that we can clean up this mess. There's no point holding a grudge that can't be resolved.

Take care lovelies