Cigarettes .

First times

I waited for the whole weekend , for him to text me , but then I knew he wasn't going to do it .
He didn't have to anyway, I thought.
I picked up my phone , after an hour or so of composing a text and deleting it over and over again , I dared to actually send one .
" hey , it's hazza , are you going to uni tomorrow? "
He didn't reply and I regretted that immediately .
until afterwards I logged to my Facebook and I found a text from him , we weren't friends and I never gave him my account.
I was so shocked, and happy , I took a moment and I opened the message.
" sorry , I didn't have enough credit in my phone to reply , but we can go if you want to "
My stupid ass replied
" yeah let's go , since I don't know how to even go there , and I kind of needed a guide "
"Outch"
"I forgot you are sensitive, I need company, is that better ? "
I did understand why I was such an ass , I was scared as hell , of what I'll feel if will get along and he'll like me as a friend .
I'd rather him hate me than become just my friend .
Our conversation went on , but only briefly.
I swear I couldn't sleep that night , I kept flipping on that bed , like tomorrow was an eternity away ..
I woke up I prepared myself and got out of my house as soon as possible.
When I got on the train I texted him that I'm on my way .
He was very surprised ,
And why is that ?
Because my stupid ass was so excited that she got out of the house an hour earlier.
And to tell you that I was so embarrassed is an underrated statement.

I got off in his station and I told him I'll wait for him so we can catch the next train together .
I couldn't even sit properly.
I can't understand why every detail of his face keep popping in my head every second , I just can't explain it .

He came , greeted me , with two kisses on each cheek , greeted me with Ice that soothed my flames .

If I couldn't , all those years, forget the details of his face , then now In front of me I have every detail possible of him that I'll never be able to forget . From the smell of his perfume till the knots of his shoes.
My mind is just a fan of details from the smallest till the biggest, it's been and always will be like that with everything else let along with Shadow .
We had a small talk , and I was saved by the train , or should I rather say he was saved by the train .
All the way to uni and with my many attempts to force myself to hate this , to wear that grumpy mask on my face .. A smile , that bitchy smile forced it self right back on my dumb face . And I couldn't hate myself more right now .
At some point he asked me what I was smiling about , and of course with my very creative unexplainable excuses I had to answer with "it's just the adds , that keep showing up in the streets , they make me laugh because they're stupid " who the fuck say that ? ME that's who .
He smiled, this infatuation with his contagious smile has to end in one way or another , I had to end this thing that is going in my mind , cause I know it will only lead to my doom .
We were silent most of the time , and I was torn between hating it and loving it at the same , it wasn't uncomfortable , on the contrary it felt better to be quite around him than talk , and I never felt I can be silent around anyone.
My whole life , around my friends and people in general, I felt the need to talk and make them laugh just so that no one can notice things that I'd rather keep in hide .
But with him I wasn't afraid , maybe for " the impossible " factor that he will never be able to . I don't know , but this silent was easy.. as much as I sound crazy , i was telling him a lot of what's on my mind and just hoped that he can't read minds .

We arrived , hang out , nobody was there again , after a bit we decided to take off .
I suggested we grab a coffee , he was cool with that .
We took the metro , and it was very crowded, and me and Shadow were very close to each other , and I prayed, even begged god for Shadow to not understand how nervous I was , for him to not hear my heart rates almost ripping my chest and to absolutely not explain the redness behind my cheeks .
My nostrils on the other hand were getting addicted to his smell , and I begged my whole body , to stop this outrageous behavior. But I was able to convince it with nothing . My body rebelled. And I was hopeless, I gave in to my thoughts and to my body , and that was it .

Between then and now , he asked for a handkerchief , and because I was holding onto a pole so I can keep my balance, i couldn't give it to him and I asked him to get it himself so he reached his hands in my bag , which was laying above my waist, he put his hands I. and was looking for the handkerchief, and I felt like all the summer heat gathered in my cheeks ,
I couldn't understand what was going on with me at the moment , I thought I was being kidnapped by the devil himself , I was experiencing a first time of it's own kind .
My body made a clear statement that it desires this man , and I thought , if his hand can do this much , what the rest will do ,
And if I hated him this much right now and I still felt like this , if I loved him what I would feel !
I tried for what it seems like an infinite number of hours to wash these dirty thoughts from my head , but I couldn't , him being so close , so attractive , so unaware, killed me a bit , and I hated this more .
We went to the coffee shop , ended up watching league of legends tournament, he was clueless so I felt kind of like a smart ass while I was explaining the rules and everything to him , but that was it , this whole day was silent between us ,
Silent for him, silent in appearance but loud in my head , let along my body .
I went home , and I drowned my self to my sheets and the thoughts of Shadow were invading every little fiber in my self .