Darling.

One

Wednesday, September 8

I can't wake up. No matter how hard I try I just can't bring myself to do it. Even while my mom is yelling up the stairs for me to get ready and that I'm already late, I just don't have the motivation today. 

Today is my last first day of high school. The first day of my senior year. Although I still feel like I'm stuck in the fourth grade sometimes. I've always thought that high school was supposed to help you decide what you wanted to do for the next thirty or so years of your life. Instead high school has taught me next to nothing about who I want to be in the future.
My school does have a career exploration class, that would be mandatory, but it didn't fit into my schedule this year or last year. 

Our school guidance counselors are all full of it, too. "It will come to you once you let it," they always say. I have been waiting for it to "come to me" for nearly four years now. 

I finally decide to roll out of bed to shower quick. I washed my hair yesterday so I'll skip that for now, since I don't have time anyway. I remove my pink and blue tie dye shorts and my white sleep shirt and step into the shower, cursing under my breath as the water hits my skin. I didn't realize I had turned it up so high. Not wanting to get my hair wet again, I used my scrunchie that I forgot to take off of my wrist last night to put my hair up in a bun for now until I decide what to do with it later. 

After I finish in the shower and I'm all dried off I wash and moisturize my face and head back to my room to pick something to wear. It's the first day of school so I decide against the sweatpants and hoodie hanging on my desk chair. Instead I opt for a pair of mom jeans and a striped crop top with my white, or at least they were white, converse. I let my hair fall over my shoulders in subtle waves and decide that it looks good natural today. For makeup I just go for my usual tinted moisturizer and some highlighter and blush with peachy eyeshadow and mascara. 

I put all my things that I need for the day in my backpack and leave the house without breakfast, something my mother will scold me for later, but I'll probably just buy breakfast during the ten minutes we have before second block. I just really want to get to school a bit early so I can compare schedules with my friends. I really do hate that we get our schedules on the first day and not during the summer like every other school. I need more time to prepare than fifteen minutes before block one. 

I'm relieved to find out that i have friends in most of my classes this semester. I have economics and Spanish with my best friend Raia. I have most of my other classes with my three other close friends, Molly, Zach, and Noah. The five of us have been inseparable since first grade when our teacher put us all the "time out zone". We all start walking to first block forensics together and Raia separates from the group to go to her gym class. 

"I wish she was with us more. She shouldn't have taken all those AP's," Noah says before we walk into Mr. Sommer's room right as the late bell rings. He gives us a stern look and tells us to make sure we put our phones in the "phone hotel" everyday before class. This is going to be a fun year. 

We all find seats next to each other near the back, Zack and Noah sitting in front of Molly and I. Molly leans up to Noah quickly while Mr. Sommer takes roll call and whispers, "We all know you just want Raia here so she can sit in the desk in front of you so you can stare at her ass the entire class."

Zach and I find that hilarious and try to hold back out laughter but I make a noise that calls Mr. Sommer's attention right to us. "Everything alright Sophie? Is it something worth sharing with the class?"

"No, sir, sorry about that," I say, biting my cheek so I don't laugh again. 

Noah chimes in again. "Come on guys. I don't even like her like that anymore. I'm into someone else." He looks at me after he says this, and for a moment I hope that I'm not that person. Noah is sweet and all but I cant risk losing the relationship I already have with him. Also, I see him more as a brotherly figure in my life, as my own brother doesn't want anything to do with me.
I flash him a small smile and look down at my desk to read along with the teacher as he goes over the syllabus and materials we'll need for this course, which, thankfully isn't much.

The rest of the day goes by painfully slow. Walk to class, find a seat, read the syllabus, and repeat. After fourth block I'm more than ready to head home and see Mom and maybe Dad if he's home from work early today like he said he would be. 

When I park in the driveway and walk through the front door, I smell the fresh brownies waiting on the counter. My mom loves to bake in her free time, something I will miss so much once I leave for college next fall. I don't know what I'm going to do without her home cooked meals and delicious desserts that make the whole house smell so amazing.

Before I grab anything off of the counter to take to my room, I quickly debrief to my mom about how my day went and tell her about how I have classes with all of my close friends this year, something I was worried about not having at all. I was nervous that senior year was going to suck, but I know that I have my friends to help me through it all and that they'll be there for me anytime I need them. And the same goes for them, I'm always available. 

I take my time after talking to my mom to grab some snacks and take them and my bag upstairs to my bedroom where I collapse onto my bed with a sigh. My last year of high school and I already cant wait for it end. But at the same time, part of me doesn't want to let it go.  As soon as I lay back I'm drifting off to sleep and I dream about Mr. Sommer and his phone hotel and boring monotone voice.