Change | E.D

Twelve

Charlotte

Ethan gets to the book store an hour and a half after I do, strolling in through the front door with his hands shoved into his front pockets, his hair just a bit damp from the shower I know he took after practice. I make sure not to stare, choosing instead to busy myself with counting the cash in the register that I know I've already counted about three times today.

Counting the money only gets me so far, because it takes just two seconds for Ethan to talk up to the front counter and lean on his elbows. I don't look at him, I pretend that I can't even see him, because I'd rather go naked through a blizzard than discuss the events of Saturday night or this morning by my locker.  

Ethan he breaks the silence and says, "You said we'd talk later, Char. It's later."  

"I meant like, end of the world later," I murmur absentmindedly to myself. He has to know that I was just trying to get him to go away. The boy is not stupid. He's one of the smartest people I know.   

At first I think I've spoken so quietly that he can't hear me, but he of course, does hear me and sighs. "Come on. We can't just act like Saturday didn't happen." He says.

"What if we can?" I ask, finally looking up from the stack of money and into his eyes. I have to fight so that the hazel brown of his eyes don't completely melt me inside, but I somehow or another manage to and look unwavering while doing so. "I've done it so far and I feel fine."  

"Well I don't," He argues back. He sighs, running a hand through his hair. "Look, Char," He starts. "Saturday. I didn't say it to hurt you."  

"Oh really?" I ask disbelievingly,
"Then why else would you say it?"  

"It slipped out, alright? I know it hurt you and I'm really sorry." He looks sincere as he says this, so trusting and truthful, but I honestly can't even think about forgiving him for anything right now. Forgiveness is just one step closer to me liking him and I'm not willing to go through that kind of hurt again.  

So instead of giving him my forgiveness, I just look him straight in the eye and say, "Okay."

He narrows his eyes a bit at my vague answer. To clarify it for himself he asks me, "Okay you forgive me or okay you heard me?"  

Even though I know this is just going to start something else, I say, "Okay I heard you." I'm not going to lie and say I forgive him because he might try to start being my friend again. I don't know if I'll be able to handle that.  

His tone going tighter than I'd like, he asks, "So you don't forgive me then?"

I sigh. This conversation is already doomed; it's not going to take us anywhere other than to yet another tear fest.

"Can we just...talk about something else right now?" I ask.

"Fine," He says all too quickly. I don't even get the chance to be happy that we're not going to discuss our relationship, though, because he asks me a split-second later, "What's going on with you and Isaac?"  

"We're just..." I start, but it's when I look into his eyes that I realise that he's basically demanding information from me like he deserves to hear it. It's almost like he feels he has the right to hear it from me. Well honey, you lost that right years ago.

"Why does it matter to you? We're not friends anymore, Ethan."  

Looking as if he's been slapped across the face, he says, "Char..."

But I cut him off. I feel like this is all we've been doing lately. He's been trying to edge his way back into being friends with me—I think. I'm really not all that sure of what he's trying to do, while I have been emotionally exploding on him. It's about time that this whole sick cycle is over. I have to finish it. And in order to that, I have to pretend that I actually have a backbone when it comes to him.