Change | E.D

Thirty Five

Charlotte

I didn't go.   

I just couldn't do it.   

I'd gotten all the way to the bus station, had taken a cab and everything to get there by the way, only to turn back at the very last minute.

Why? I honestly don't know.

The whole way I'd walked there I'd seen different faces flash throughout my eyes. I'd seen Isaac, Alexis, Annie... Ethan. I'd seen a whole lot of Ethan in my mind actually.

I'd seen that smile that he gives me every time I'm in my silly mood and he feels like he doesn't have to worry about me. I'd seen that blissfully content expression that he has on every time I wake up and he's there with me.  

I saw the expression on his face that I knew he'd have when he found out that I'd gone. Sure there was that insecure part of me that I thought was so strong telling me that he probably didn't care and that he'd run off back to Alexis or something. But there was just this huge gnawing at my chest that he wasn't going to be able to brush off my leaving so easily, that he was going to struggle with it.  

And even though he has hurt me in the past and even though he may not deserve my trust quite so easily, I still love him. I still missed him like crazy even though I hadn't actually left yet. Just the mere thought of not seeing him every day was awful.   

So I decided to be selfish. I decided to just soak up every single minute that I have with this boy kneeling in front of me right now, looking like the earth has just shifted underneath his feet.

I honestly didn't know that he'd take so long to get back to his house or else I would've gone inside to talk to his mom or something, seeing as how I've been out here since three o'clock or so. Ever since Ethan was supposed to have gotten out of school. But he never did show and so I just sat here on the porch, my hood drawn over my head while watching different people walk up and down the streets.

I thought about calling or texting him, worrying just a bit, but I figured that he'd either gone to work with Annie or had baseball practice or was with his friends or something.  

I didn't want to be a bother. I know that me saying I was going to leave was utterly dramatic, and to be honest, I'm kind of embarrassed by it. I overreacted to everything Isaac said to me earlier on today I know I did, and I hate that I took the cowardly way out of it and tried to leave.

And I was so scared that Ethan was going to hate me for even thinking of leaving.  

Now that he's kneeling in front of me, though, and I can see the expression on his face, I know that he doesn't hate me. But something is wrong, because his gorgeous hazel eyes are rimmed in red and his face looks beyond distraught.   

So I reach out and, pushing all of today behind me and acting like it didn't even happen, I place my fingers on his cheek and brush the tips against his stubble, loving it's roughness.

I meet his marred eyes with my own and, swallowing back the huge lump of emotion that's in my throat just because I finally get to see his face after the mess of a day today, point out, "You've been crying."  

His eyes close after I say this, and I can just feel the twitching of his jaw on my fingertips. He reaches one of his hands up and lays it over my own, pulling it away from his cheek so that our fingers can intertwine together, sending a shot of warmth up my arm. His voice sounding tired and strained, he says, "You didn't leave."  

"No," I respond, for some reason feeling tears starting to climb their way up my throat. I don't want to cry right now, I honestly don't want to be even more of a drama queen after the stunt I pulled today, but there's something about how raw and unhinged Ethan is acting right now that just makes me want to curl into his lap and never leave. "I didn't."  

His eyes finally snap back open and peer into mine; the sincerity and passion in them almost making me want to look away. "I honestly..." he starts, but his voice trails off before he can even finish the sentence. I squeeze his hand in reassurance, knowing that every time he does this to me it makes me feel just a little bit better.

And just like matching clockwork, he gives me a brief smile before continuing, "I honestly thought you weren't coming back. I..." he trails off once more, but he just squeezes his eyes closed tight for a moment and then opens them right back up and continues, "I finally thought that you'd gotten so sick of me that you just left. I thought you hated me."  

The fact that he's thought all of these things makes my heart thud painfully against my chest. He has to know that I could never hate him-never.

Although he definitely deserved my hatred at points in time, I honestly don't believe I ever gave it to him. I may have thought that I hated him when we were no longer friends, but I never did. I just hated the fact that he gave me up, that he was able to give up the kind of friendship we had.

Did I actually ever hate him though? Not at all. I love him too much to ever hate him.  

I go to tell him something along those lines-not the actual thing though, that's just sappy-but he cuts me off when he mumbles brokenheartedly, "You should hate me. I've been so terrible to you."  

I smile halfheartedly, the small dark side of me thinking that it's a good thing that he understands this. He was terrible to me once, he should suffer. But the majority of me, about ninety-nine percent of my whole being just wants to cry because he's being so damn hard on himself.

Yes he was awful to me at one point in time, but he's been so wonderful to me. So wonderful, and that should definitely overshadow everything else he's done.  

I scoot in closer to him and then place both of my hands on the side of his face, begging for him to just stop looking down at his feet guiltily and to just look up at me and realise that I don't hate him. It takes a second for his eyes to meet mine, and when I see that there are unshed tears in them, I can't help but let out a soft laugh. Never in my life have I seen him act this way, seen him so upset.

It warms my heart in a sick and twisted way because it shows me just how much he truly cares for me.  

Running my thumb underneath his bottom lip, I tell him sincerely, "I could never hate you, Ethan. Honest."