All Gone Wrong

Chapter Five

“What the actual fuck!” I shouted as I stormed into the kitchen.

“What’s wrong,” Jerome asked innocently, trying to hide a smirk and failing.

“Shut up you dick, you know what’s wrong,” I snapped.

“Yeah, I know what’s wrong because I’m the one who did it. But what are you going to do about it?” Jerome taunted.

At times like this, I wished that Jerome would act this way during recordings. I completely understood why he and Mitch turned off the swearing and innuendos, but it just felt like it I was talking to someone completely different. Our obscenities and offensiveness was what made us stand out, now there was really no difference between us and other YouTubers. To be honest, I didn’t care because I loved recording either way.

“I was thinking more along the lines of what are you going to do?” I said.

“What does that even mean?” Jerome said, more confused than anything. I snatched Jerome’s phone off the table and went into the group chat he sent. For the record, Jerome’s password was so stupid; it was literally 0000. I guess his logic is that it’s so stupid no one would think of it. What does that tell Jerome though?

Jerome snatched back his phone and we started fighting over it. I tackled him to the ground trying to grab the phone, but he wouldn’t go down without a fight. A big fight. We argue a lot. I don’t think it’s healthy, but it’s funny.

“You two stop fighting,” a voice suddenly commanded. The two of us immediately snapped our heads up to see Mitch. “Give me the phone Jerome,” he said. Jerome handed Mitch his phone without hesitation. Mitch was the only person Jerome would take the answer ‘no’ from.  I felt my heart get poked again.

I looked over Mitch’s shoulder to see what he was doing. He deleted the text. Not everyone had read, luckily, because of recording, messed up sleeping schedules, different time zones, and downright laziness.

Let’s just hope that the few people that did see it don’t start talking about it.

“Aw, you guys are no fun,” Jerome pouted, crossing his arms. I saw his face flash an envious glance at me but then quickly turn into annoyance.  Was he jealous of me? Why would he be jealous of me? Oh… That made me feel like I was stabbed.

I folded up a pancake so that I could eat it in one bite and locked myself in my room. I stuffed the pancake into my mouth and just stared at the red walls.

I was sure that Jerome liked Mitch; there was nothing that convinced me he wasn’t. Of course, that means that I’m making assumptions based off a few things I know and there very well might be stuff behind what I saw.

I didn’t even understand why I was making such a big deal over this. Jerome can like whoever he wants to like and I can’t stop him. Mitch and I weren’t even dating or anything, so I had no right to worry about Merome.

That last part stabbed at the rest of my thoughts. Mitch and I were just friends. He was just a close and amazing friend who had a crush on me, and I was just a heartbroken and selfish loser who convinced himself that he had a crush on his friend. I probably didn’t actually even like Mitch back; I was just feeling lonely and guilty. Jerome deserves Mitch way more than him. I probably still have a crush on Rob.

My eyes stung, but I tried to hold back the tears. None of this is worth crying about, I repeated over and over again. I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. Too much was happening at once; getting a crush on Rob, being unknowingly rejected because of Poofless, heartbreak, getting a crush on Mitch, becoming paranoid about Merome, and more heartbreak. It was too much for me.

The tears finally spilled. I wouldn’t let myself sob; I couldn’t let either of them get worried about me. But my crying still got worse and worse. My breathing was uneven and I was gasping for breath. Every now and then a whimper would escape my lips. Each time I whimpered I pulled my legs closer to my chest.

All I wanted was for Mitch to sit next to me and hug me as I tried to call myself down. I wanted him to rub circles into my back and tell me that everything was going to be okay when I knew I wouldn’t. I wanted to feel like someone actually cared about me even thought I knew that I was shutting everyone out.

I wanted to understand my feelings and what was going on. I wanted to know if Jerome actually did like Mitch and if Rob cared about me liking him at one point. I wanted to know if I completely got over Rob already; I wanted to know if Mitch loved me the way I’ve made myself think I loved him. I wanted to know if I loved Mitch or if I was just being selfish.

I hated love. It’s officially the worst emotion you can ever feel. It only brought me confusion and pain. It only tortured me and wrung my reasons to live out. But it was the only thing that made me happy.