All Gone Wrong

Chapter Seven

Jerome flew back to New Jersey to get packed so he could move in. It was bitter-sweet. I wanted time alone with Mitch and I didn’t care how selfish that was, but I really didn’t at the same time. Jerome was distracting Mitch from me and I was somewhat grateful for that. Mitch would surely ask why I’ve been ignoring them. There’s no answer I can say to that that’s remotely believable besides the truth.  Not that I can think of anyway, and I’m an idiot.

My self-esteem has really lowered since I heard Jerome and Mitch’s conversation. I really wanted to know why Mitch didn’t like me anymore (again, very self-centered). I wanted to know why I was good until I shared his feelings. I wanted to know why no one could like me.

So I did the only thing I could do: vent out to Preston.

I called Preston’s phone instead of his Skype. I didn’t exactly seem my own logic behind that, but I guess he would be more likely to answer if I was calling over the legitimate phone. I’m desperate. Help me.

“Hello?” a voice asked through the phone. It wasn’t Preston’s.

“Hi? Wait, Rob? Why are you answering Preston’s phone?” I asked.

“He’s recording right now and he left his phone with me. What’s up, Mat?” he answered.

“Um… Nothing. I just wanted to talk to Preston. I’ll just call back…” I muttered, hesitantly pulling the phone away from my face.

“Wait! Mat!” I heard him shout.

“Yeah, what?”

“Uh, Preston told me that you… Liked me,” he said hesitantly. I cringed a bit on the inside, wondering how this conversation would end up.

“Uh… Yeah,” I said cautiously.

“So you’re not denying it?” he asked.

“Why would Preston lie to you? You mean everything to him,” I said. Right after I said that I realized how bitter I sounded. That probably didn’t help my idea that I’m over him. It’s just the fact that life has been so sucky recently.

“I… I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to hear it from you… Um, he also said you’re over me. I hope you’re okay because he also told me that you… uh, you saw us kissing. He told me that that’s why you left so soon,” he stuttered. His words were tumbling over each other. He didn’t want to talk about this either.

“I’m over you,” I said confidently. I didn’t feel so confident though. I was still hurting a lot on the inside. Maybe I’d be hurting less if I hadn’t fallen for Mitch… I added in my head.

“I’m not going to argue or anything, okay?” he declared. I gave a small noise of agreement. “But, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what’s wrong? You seem off–you don’t seem okay,” he asked softly.

“I don’t think I am,” I mumbled under my breath.

“What’s wrong?” He was being so nice.

“I… I don’t know. I don’t understand what’s wrong.” Nothing should be wrong. I shouldn’t be in love with Mitch; I shouldn’t be heartbroken over him. I shouldn’t still be heartbroken about Rob either. Maybe I shouldn’t even be over Rob to start with.

“What don’t you understand about it?”

“You got that picture from Jerome, right?” I was still mad at Jerome for sending that. It only made me feel worse about myself.

“Oh. Yeah, what about it?” He was still talking in a quiet and calm voice.

“Mitch and I… We…” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence. Why was I overreacting so much? We’re still friends, right? We’re not in a relationship or anything. He’s just my friend and he’s all I can ask for. Friends. That’s what we were. Friends. That word made tears prick at my eyes. I wouldn’t let them fall. I couldn’t. Maybe I just meant it in 90s show way. Maybe I meant that we’re like Rachel and Ross. A lot like them.

“Yeah?” he asked, urging me to finish my sentence. He knew I had something to say that wasn’t coming out in words and he wanted to know. He didn’t understand, so wanted me to explain.

“We… He told me he liked me. Emphasis on the ‘ed,’” I said, my tone becoming bitter again.

“Oh… I’m sorry,” Rob said, at a loss of words.

“Why are you saying sorry? It’s not your fault.” I was trying to pretend that I could take back those words I said before and act like I wasn’t mad about it.

“I don’t know… I just… feel like it’s my fault. I know that part of it is, for sure, but I just feel like I should be taking the blame…”

Honestly, it was mostly his fault. If I hadn’t thought he was so perfect, I wouldn’t have fallen in love with him. If I hadn’t fallen in love with him, I would’ve never been hurt by him and Preston making out. I wouldn’t have gone home and I wouldn’t have kissed Mitch. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with Mitch.

Of course, I didn’t want to say that. It’s both our faults. Because of him, I went crazy. I technically chose to, in a sense. And Rob didn’t deserve any of that guilt, or the stress to make things better.

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it…” I muttered.

“Have you talked to him about it?” he asked.

“No…”

“Why not? It’s probably the only thing that’ll help you.”

“Don’t you understand how awkward that would be? I know who he likes now, and I know that that person isn’t me. I know that he purposely is ignoring me so I don’t bring up the fact that we should’ve gone on a date last week, even though I wouldn’t. I know, I can tell, that he wishes that he asked Jerome out instead of me.” The tears pricking at my eyes finally spilled.

I was going to tell Preston this. Not Rob. But I told Rob anyway. Only then did I realize how similar, how perfect, they were for each other. When I was around either of them, I just felt at home, I felt comfortable. I knew I could tell either of them anything and they’d be supportive, understanding, helpful – they’d help me with whatever I needed help with.

“I know Mat, I know… But I know that you’ll feel better after just telling him. Tell him that you don’t care even though you really do. I know you well, Mat. I know you wouldn’t want to make him feel guilty – you wouldn’t want to make anyone feel bad in any way, shape or form. Just let him know that it’s okay on your end and let time heal your scars,” Rob said. A small smile formed on my lips and I half-hearted laugh escaped my lips.

“That was more poetic then it needed to be…” I said.

“But it’s true. Go and tell him Mat. And, again, I’m sorry.”

“Okay, thank you so much!”

“Don’t worry about it, bye.”

“Bye.” I sighed and hung up the phone.

Was I really going to do it? Did I really have the guts to talk to Mitch about us on my own? I guess I couldn’t get any more confident than I already was.

I walked out of my room and stopped in front of Mitch’s door. My hand froze in front of it, scared to knock. But without even realizing, my hand moved on its own.

“Uh, Mitch?”