Silver & Silent (Phan)

1: Breaking Point.

Dan's pov

I sit here on my bed staring at a this small, wooden box in my hands. In one instant I will myself to open it up and give into everything that entails, the next I try to convince myself to put it back in its hiding spot and leave it be. I'm not exactly sure how much longer I can hold on. I know that there are reasons for me to try, but those reasons really don't seem to matter much anymore. There have just been too many things that have happened to me... and I just can't. I don't want to fight it anymore. It hurts too much to keep forcing myself to breathe, to continue pretending that everything is okay, that I'm not broken.

But the truth is that I am broken, I'm not okay and there is nothing that I can do to deny that. I could hide it from the rest of the world, but when I was alone all that stuff I keep so perfectly hidden comes to the surface. All the awful memories and thoughts just come poring out and there is nothing that I stop it.

Fuck, panic attacks are hell.

Part of me wishes I would just go get medication for them because of how bad they get soemtimes, but then I would have to tell somebody and that was out of the question.

There's only one reason that I haven't just stopped yet, and that's Phil. Sweet, loving, caring Phil, the only light in my otherwise bleak existence. But even here the darkness threatens to take over.

.

I can't remember when I've cried this much, or at least I don't want to remember the times I have cried this much.. I'm sitting on the bed, tears streaming down my face, pleading with him, "Please just tell me that this is something more then just sex. It has been over a year that we've been togeth- that we have been doing this. I just want to know that I'm more then just some friend you have over when you want something. After all we've done together, please tell me that I mean something to you. Because I can't handle not knowing anymore, it is tearing me to pieces. I lov- I care about you so much that it hurts! Please just tell me something. Explain this to me. Please."

He just looked at me with sadness in his eyes and said, "I know you do, I can see it. It's one of the reasons that I think you're so beautiful. But, I'm sorry, I just can't. The last time I was in love I ruined it and lost myself, I don't want to do that again. I will love you and care for you, but I won't be in love with you, at least not now. I can't do that again. I'm sorry."

I sobbed one last time and turned away from him to silently cry myself to sleep. I heard him sigh before he warped his arm around my waist and pull me closer to his him. There was a part of me that wanted to push him away, to show him how much this hurt me, but I didn't have the energy to do anything other than cry.

"I'm sorry," he whispered again.

With that comforting gesture he was promising something that he would probably never be able to do, truly care for me. I knew this, but I loved him too much to give up even that smallest glitter of hope and I hated myself even more because of that.

.

This was three years ago, he still hasn't been able to tell me that he loves me. I know now that's because he doesn't, who could? I can't tell him I love him even though he knows, for some reason that is the one thing that I'm not good at hiding.

The tears begin to fall harder as I start to sob uncontrollably. I hate how remembering one bad thing makes all the other worse memories flood back. The box falls out of my hands with a quiet 'thump' when it lands on the carpet as I bring my hands up to cover my face.