I really don't know what's wrong with me.
Nobody can help me, it's stupid that I even tell anyone that I wanna die, it's stupid that I even tell anyone how I'm feeling.
You see, I bottle up my emotions, I mean right now I'm crying in a stall at church, I constantly feel guilty, mad, and sad. I can't even explain it, I feel that I shouldn't have ever bottled up my emotions but I DONT CARE.
It's hard to care anymore, It's hard to want to live, I can't tell how many times I wanted to stick a knife through my heart and bleed out, the littlest things set me off.
Like, how I got disqualified from the Hamilton Awards? Yeah, I guess that really set me off, I constantly work and I get IN TROUBLE FOR STATING A FUCKING OPINION?!?! FUCK EVERYONE.
I AM SO TIRED OF BEING NICE, I AM SO TIRED OF PRETENDING IM OKAY, IM NOT
The worst part is I can't tell anyone about it, I probably won't even have friends tomorrow if, I'm still alive by then.
Jordan and Anessa, my friends have a much stronger friendship and clearly really know each other than I do them, I feel like a third wheel to them, and I told Anessa that I cut and she won't even fucking allow me to have my scissors, It's not like I'm going to cut myself with that.
I feel so disconnected to them. And Don't even get me started with my family, I am always so mad at them and I don't know why. My mom and I hate each other. My dad is depressed and I'm CLEARLY not helping, and my brother is an asshole to me. Yeah, I LOVE my life.
It just hurts, it really hurts when people give me pity of this stuff, I don't want it. I really want to hang myself but my online friends probably need me. I just want to sleep forever, I want to drink bleach and die.
It's so hard to even have the will, I'm so confused about church because they say lgbt+ is bad but, it isn't. I just don't think it was a good idea to be born. "The Lord has a plan for you!" That's what my mom constantly says, so what the fuck is this plan!? Because I'm sure it isn't to learn how to tie a noose.
I don't feel okay. I want to be okay. I just want me to be held closely and be told "It will be okay" even if it won't be.
"You have so much to live for!" I hate that. What do I have to live for!? Tests!? School? If so, why not end it all.
Don't even get me started on school, I accidentally said fuck and, I am so scared that I'll be suspended because of some girl. I am so stressed and I have been breaking down and...I just can't anymore.
I know there are more people less fortunate but I hate doing my medicines, do I look like I wish to live? I just want to die. I wanna tear myself to nothing. I clearly need professional help but.
I'm already in therapy! What else do I need!? I can't take this. I constantly work my ass for nothing, because I am nothing. But I really think my friends could give flying fuck whether I was alive or not.. Or am I just jealous? I hate that life is like this, I want to live in the dinosaur ages so I could die.
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up because I don't see myself growing up. I never thought about the fact that I would grow up, hell I'm going to die when I'm 37, why not speed it up.
Having Cystic Fibrosis has really affected my life, I don't do my treatments much and the doctor constantly recommends social workers to come over to my house.
Yeah, I might be sent to foster care and that really scares me. I just want everything to be okay, I wish my mother got her tubes tied. She made me feel like a baby and I just want to snap, I can't and won't kill my family so it's reasonable to kill me.
Last night, my mom was yelling at me because she thought I took her charger, when she has an Apple and I have an Android, the fucking chargers don't even fit, she constantly gets mad at me for hiding in my room. Do you know why I'm hiding? I'm hiding from her.
Writing this really helped me to calm down, I guess this can be my diary or something.
I sound like a little bitch crying, "Woe is me! I got disqualified for being rude!" God.
