Thoughts Unwanted

Better

I think I'm doing a little better now. I'm less angry but, then again, I haven't seen them together in almost a week. I haven't really seen anyone. I'm just so alone and I feel like Rose and Michael have been distancing themselves from me. I don't want to stop being their friends, I just am not okay with them being together yet. I thought I would be. I told myself "Lydia, calm the fuck down. Everything will be okay." But it's not yet. It's better, for sure, but it's not okay. I'm not okay.

Finals are coming up and making me so stressed. I have so much to do it such a short amount of time. It's not that the number of assignments is overbearing, it's the amount in each assignment. I only have about ten assignments for the rest of the semester, but they are all either huge projects or tests. I wish I didn't have test anxiety. Every time I walk into a test, I freak out and second guess myself. I can have great grades and have it all fall apart with one test. I hate it.

I hate my new medicine. Hypothyroidism sucks. I had a bad reaction the first week on the pills. I got migraines every day and was super irritable, not just at Rose and Michael. I had to cut do on my medication to half a dose, even though I was already on a very low dose. Pill cutters are weird. I always feel like I'm doing it wrong even though I'm not. Maybe it's just like my test anxiety, I'm just panicking that I'm wrong.

I've also been sick. I had to go home on Wednesday night because I had a fever of 103.1. I have never used so many tissues in my life. I was so weak and feverish that I didn't even think I'd make the ride home. I rolled the windows down because I was so hot. The cool air felt so good. It was great seeing my cat. I missed him so much. The worst part about being at college is not seeing my cats. I have six of them. Bo and Pill-z are twins are they're the family cats. Babycat is my brother's cat. Bear and Gaia are my sisters, and Pharaoh is mine. He is so fluffy and adorable. He is also the most dog-like cat I have ever met. He is super vocal, greets me at the door, and will even play fetch with a hair tie. I miss him.

I'm back at school now and I feel like I am not giving any time to devote to myself. Since Wednesday, two of my friends have needed me to console them about their breakups. One of my best friends, Sam, just broke up with her boyfriend, Jack, and is really beaten up about it. My other friend, Amber, was just dumped by her boyfriend, who I never even met. To be fair, Amber does go to a different school.

Amber and I used to be absolute best friends. We met on the first day of fourth grade and had been friends ever since. My senior year of high school, my depression got really bad and I just stopped talking to most of my friends. It's all my fault, but we're trying to build our relationship again. I texted her when I saw that she was dumped to make sure she was okay. She wasn't, but we had a great talk. Her last final is on Tuesday! I still have two weeks before finals begin! I'm a little jealous, but I'm happy for her. She's officially a sophomore! That's crazy. Meanwhile, I have to take some summer courses to catch up on my major. Being a double major sucks. I have to take so many classes. I'm taking three classes over the summer. My school has two summer terms so I'm going to take Calculus 3 and Physics course on campus the first session, and I'll take a gen-ed online the second session. After the first session, I'll have enough credits to be considered a sophomore. It's only five weeks so it's going to go by fast. I'm excited though. It will give me something to do. I always get really bored over the summer because all I do is work.