Vent Book v2

Me being a crybaby :)

(My phone is been having a seizure lately so it randomly capitalizes words. And it won't let me change them. So enjoy that) So I just thought I should let you guys know that my body image has been absolutely killing me lately. I don't know why but I just can't get happy with the way I look. I'm going to break this into sections that way it'll be easier to understand. So I guess let's get started

My weight: My weight has been a big confidence killer. I don't really care about the number as much is I do it the way I look. I could be 500 pounds for all I care, as Long as I look skinny. I have started to restrict my eating again in hopes of looking better. I don't know what's gotten into me but I've been eating everything lately. And I've definitely noticed a weight gain. I just can't get over how ugly clothes look on me. Especially my softball uniform. And that's a bad thing, because I play softball pretty much every day of my life. So that uniform is basically a part of me. My weight usually is the cause of my depression. That just the way I look in general. But I just feel so fat and disgusting lately. I have a ton of cute clothes that I wish I could wear. But I look like an elephant if I wear them. Are usually just wear a baggy T-shirt and leggings. I have a ton of cute clothes that I wish I could wear. But I look like an elephant if I wear them. Are usually just wear baggy T-shirts and leggings. The weird thing is I really don't mind how big my legs are. I know that they're big because I have muscle in them. I'm a catcher in softball so my legs are quite large. It's just my stomach that I can't come to terms with. Everyone in my family is larger, and although I am the skinniest, I'm still just not happy with myself.

Acne: I have been trying everything to get rid of my acne! But whenever it goes away it just comes back with the fury. I usually break out around my forehead and my  chin because of my Helmet and facemask for softball. I feel like people just stare at me whenever I have it. And it really doesn't help that kids at my school point it out and tell me that I need to get it fixed. It really sucks when you're trying to be confident with it and then someone comes up and says " wow you have a huge pimple right there!" Like thanks buddy, I really wanted to know how disgusting my face looks to you.

Redness: those of you who don't know I have a condition called rosacea. It really sucks because it makes your face red. So it looks like I'm just constantly blushing when I'm really not. It also makes my face burn a lot. So on top of looking like a tomato I also feel like I have a sunburn 24/7.  That acne paired together is in a really good combination. That and I have freckles that are really cute but they just get covered up by the redness so it looks like I don't even have anything.

Hair: OK, this one is my fault. I absolutely hate my hair. It makes me look like a boy and I'm not OK with that. I just wish I had long hair again so I can actually do something with it. My hair is the point right now or if I wear it down it looks like absolute trash, but if I keep it up I look like an egg. There's just no happy medium with my hair.

Alrighty, that's all I have to say about this. I know I sound like a really whiny person by saying all this but I just needed to get it out. All these girls at my school are just so pretty and I wish I could look like them. I'm 100% sure that I look ugly to everybody and that sucks. That's probably one of the reasons why I don't have many friends. I don't really mind that part though, I like my tiny group. But I know for sure my looks and weight are The reasons I get bullied a lot.

I hear all these people talking about how pretty these girls are. I just sit there and think to myself I wish someone would call me pretty for once in my life. (But if someone called me pretty I would probably die because I'd be embarrassed.).

But one of the reasons I'm sharing this because I'm really trying to get myself in a better place. Not only that but I wan but one of the reasons I'm sharing this is because I'm really trying to get myself in a better place. Not only that but I want to be happy with myself. My girlfriend recently helped me realize that keeping things in isn't the best way to go about things because it causes more damage than help in the long run.