Pushing too far

When it started

We should probably start at the beginning. When Wally West died saving the world, Nightwing/Dick Grayson finally broke. He distanced himself, thinking it was him that had put Wally in that position. He became two people instead of one.

Dick Grayson, the public image. He always had a smile on his face, and fifteen jokes ready. He believed that public image came first, as it described how your life was going to turn out. He was well known, and beloved all around.

Then there was Nightwing. He was no longer the wisecracking hero that had won so many hearts. He was cold, kept his emotions bottled up, and focused only on the mission. To him, it doesn't matter if the criminal goes to jail, or six feet under. All that matters is keeping civilians safe. Often, he forgets his injuries, and pushes on, even if he's dead on his feet. Nightwing is not accepted as well, and is wanted by the police. But that's ok, because he can dodge the bullets. He doesn't mess with acrobatics anymore.

He switched from these two personalities almost constantly, Dick Grayson during the day, and Nightwing during the night. It was a way to keep from thinking about what happened. A way to keep from thinking about what he caused to happen.

He only thought about it when he got a slow moment as Dick Grayson. When he was finally alone, and relaxed. He thought that, having been six months since it happened, it was time to go back. But Nightwing refused. He wouldn't go near anyone. Not if he could help it. People died when he came around, and he didn't want to kill an innocent.

The choice was made up for him when Batman and Red Arrow came to Blüdhaven for a visit. When he was Nightwing. Not a good choice.

"Dick, we need to talk." Roy started. "Nightwing. You wanna talk to Dick Grayson, come back during lunch. Unless it's about a mission, don't bother me. I've got a city that needs me." Nightwing said, any emotion gone. Emotions were something he couldn't afford to have on this crusade.

"No, we won't. And you're not just Nightwing, nor are you just Dick Grayson. You're both combined. We need to talk, Dick." "I can't be both. Dick's too different from me to be the same person. And if it's about Wally, that's a Dick Grayson subject. So, if you're done trying to talk to me, get out."

Roy finally burst. "No! I don't care what you say, you're still my little brother. What's happened to you, Dick? If it's something we can help with, then tell us!" "What you think is my problem is not my actual problem. I can't afford emotions, Dick Grayson can. You two want to have a sob party, that's up to you. And what happened to me? I got someone killed. I'm not going to let that happen again."Nightwing explained as he pulled out his grappling hook.

"And what do you think we think your problem is?" Batman asked. "You think I blame myself for Wally, and I'm pushing myself too far. But I'm not. I do blame myself for Wally, but I'm not pushing myself too far. Nightwing handles hero stuff, Dick Grayson civies stuff. So, everything balances out. Good night."

Nightwing shot the hook and leapt off the edge, going through Gotham. There was a moment he almost felt...whole again. Dick Grayson and Nightwing as one. He almost felt joy in flying again. But it ended quickly. Nightwing stomped it out. He couldn't afford to go back to the way he was. That only killed people.

Roy watched as his brother swung into the distance. "He's much worse than we thought." Batman nodded. "He's created two personas for himself. It's almost as if he has multiple personality disorder, but he doesn't. He's choosing to be two people. We need to get Wally back."

"But how? Wally's dead, and Dick's acting like this, and everything's going to hell! How are we supposed to get a dead man back?" Roy yelled. "We don't know if he truly died. Remember, the Reach did this. We don't know if it actually killed him. He may be suspended in some dimension." "And we haven't explored this because?" "Barry's convinced he's in the speed force."

Nightwing, once he got a break, sat down on a rooftop and thought about what Roy and Batman said. He'd been whole once. He'd been whole, and happy. But now, he'd changed. And he knew that! He was the one who chose to split himself, after all. But Dick Grayson wanted to be whole again. Dick wanted to go back to the way it was, where Nightwing wasn't wanted. Where his life wasn't hell.

But he couldn't. Blüdhaven didn't need that. How many times had he failed because he let his emotions get in the way? How many people had gotten hurt, or even killed, because of his hesitation? He'd changed, and there was no going back now. He'd made his choice.

Or had he? During that moment of flying, he'd felt joy. He'd felt normal. He'd gotten a snippet of what it felt like to be the old him, the Nightwing/Dick Grayson everyone seemed obsessed over. And it'd felt good. It made him want to go back.

And yet he couldn't. He had to think about everyone, not just himself. It reminded him of a conversation he'd had with Bruce once, before the invasion had every started.

"Dick, what's wrong? You're being unusually quiet today." Bruce pointed out. He'd gone to visit Dick, who hadn't said a word all day. "I'm fine. Just tired." Dick smiled, but Bruce could see through it. "Dick, tell me the truth."

Dick couldn't handle it anymore and hugged Bruce. "Oh, hell. I'm just so tired, Bruce. I'm always having to smile, always having to be there for everyone. I just want a day where they're there for me. I know it sounds selfish, but I want to be the one to rely on everyone else for once. I just... I'm just tired." Tears started streaming down his face.

"Hey, it's ok, Dickie. It's ok to be selfish every now and then. You've given everything up for others, it's ok to want to be selfish. You don't ask for much. Besides, you're like a babysitter for the team." Dick chuckled. "Really. You always clean up after them. Let them clean up their own messes for once. You don't have to be selfless every day." Bruce said as he rubbed Dick's back. Dick fell asleep on Bruce's lap, finally being selfish for once.

And was that what he was being now? Selfless? Someone who gives himself away entirely? He didn't know anymore. He just didn't know. Nightwing was selfless. He threw himself in front of bullets every night. But was Dick Grayson selfish or selfless?