"Is it...is it rolling? D'you need a minute or...? It's rolling, okay. Um...hello! My name is Wheatley, and I hack things!"
*Cut to footage of enemy entry sparking and firing at its own team*
"I'll be honest, I did have a bit of assistance in getting the sapper on—but otherwise that was me, I did that! See, Spy goes and slaps one of these...devices...on enemy sentries and—oop!"
*Footage cuts to static, then back to the interview room, where Wheatley is holding the device he'd dropped earlier*
"Are we rolling again? We are? Brilliant! So, as I was saying, Spy attaches this little device here to the enemy's 'tech', which allows me to hack into it and take control."
*Cut to footage of Wheatley sitting in Sniper's nest as he tries repeatedly to guess passwords via a briefcase laptop*
"It's not as easy as it sounds..."
*Cut back to Wheatley who's still guessing passwords as half-a-dozen sticky bombs, a battle axe, and a few arrows suddenly plaster the wall behind him*
"I will confess, it is hard to set up a proper 'hacker cave' when you're being shot at. Leads to a lot of expensive equipment getting damaged."
*Cut to montage of Wheatley running away screaming*
"Ohoho...he'll try to deny it but I AM faster than Scout!"
*Cut back to Wheatley, still running, who actually manages to pass his team's Scout before tripping over his own feet and stumbling into a pile of crates*
"I mean, look at these legs! I'm no track star but this definitely helps!"
*Cut to footage of Wheatley bonking his head on a floor he's sitting under with his laptop, alerting an enemy soldier to his presence*
"I know what you're probably thinking, 'Wheatley, sapping sentries isn't all that useful, mate!', which might be a fair assessment if that was all I did. Nevermind portal-fizzling—"
*Cut to montage of various portals closing before enemies can run or fly through them, resulting in numerous crashes, pile ups, and the occasional severed body part*
"—or my gel gun—"
*Cut to montage of enemies screaming as they slip, bounce, and stick in various gel traps, then back to Wheatley laughing maniacally in the interview room until he takes a coughing jag, takes a puff from an inhaler and adjusts his now crooked glasses*
"I'm good... I'm good... Ugh... I don't know what I'd do without this healthcare package..."
*Cut to Team Fortress 3 logo and theme music*
YOU ARE READING
Portal Oneshots
ФанфикA collection of short stories inspired by one of my favourite games of all time. Some will be set in the continuity of my other stories (like Suddenly Wheatley and Human Condition), some will be AU, and there might even be a crossover sprinkled here...
