Lonely

You are forcing me to remember when all I want is to just forget you

She was terrified of him.

Terrified that he was real, that he wasn't. Terrified that he would leave again, that he would stay.

When he reached out his hand her body reacted on instinct by moving toward him. He touched her wrist and she forgot herself for a moment. It only took another moment for her to remember. Her pain, the anguish that she had lived with all alone for a year. She remembered what he was capable of.

She pulled her arm away and she could see in his eyes that it killed him a little bit. She couldn't afford to feel sorry for him.

"What are you doing? Why are you here?" She had to get it out before she broke down.

He didn't say anything.

In their time apart she assumed he was doing better than she was. He was the one to leave after all. But looking at him now, she wasn't sure. He looked aesthetically different of course, but there was something else. Something fundamentally broken about him. Part of her reveled in his sorrow, and part of her was more frightened than ever. If the man she thought she knew months ago could nearly kill someone, what could this man in front of her do?

She did what she intended to to at the start, flee.

She took one hesitant step backward, her eyes on him. He remained still. She took a quicker step back and his eyebrows came together in confusion, in recognition. She spun around and took one giant leap forward, thinking she still had enough of the element of surprise to get away.

Her right foot reached land before she felt his hand wrap around her upper arm. She gasped as he easily whipped her around, shackling her other arm in his vice like grip. He wasn't hurting her, but she knew that it was impossible to get away. She could hear his heavy breathing and feel the tension in his body. His eyes pierced her and her fear ratcheted up to a new level.

"Let go of me! Why? Why are you here? Why are you doing this?" Her fight or flight response had kicked in, panic rising in her throat.

She tried violently to get away from him. She was sure she was causing a scene, yelling in broad daylight like this, but there was no one around. She could hear him say her name over and over again, and when she pounded her fists on his chest the syllables became disjointed. His voice was becoming pinched, like he was growing desperate, or about to cry. Tears welled in her own eyes as her mind raced.

She had to get away from him. She couldn't afford to surrender to him, physically or mentally. He was shaking now, still holding her arms tight enough so she couldn't leave, but he hadn't hurt her, yet. It was only a matter of time. Her carefully constructed walls were crumbling and she was scrambling to climb up the ruins. He mustn't get in. It would kill her this time.

Her breath came in shorter and shorter pants. Her heart was racing and her vision was a fuzzy blue around the edges.

His pained and panicked eyes were the last thing she saw before the hazy blue turned to pitch black.

End Note:
After watching the sneak peak a few times I was struck by how differently Sanem carried herself. I wanted to explore the idea that she feared Can. The one constant in their relationship from day one was that she implicitly instinctually trusted him. Even when she thought he was the Bad King, she felt safe with him. I think the thing that broke him the most at the end of Bolum 39 was that she could think he would harm her. The look on her face when he pushed Yigit down the steps? She was genuinely afraid of the man he had become. She is obviously afraid of being emotionally hurt by him further, but I found it extra heartbreaking that she no longer felt safe in his presence.