C o m p l i c a t i o n s

...the complications with promises...

I watched the stars move beyond the Earth’s atmosphere, waiting for Roger to climb up the ladder to our treehouse and look at me with his serious starlight eyes, that familiar half smile perched on his lips showing without saying that he was happy to see me. But he wouldn’t leave with that smile, that’s for sure. He’d leave with the look he had inherited from his father. Dark brows furrowed, eyes squinted slightly, lips tight but not completely in a straight line.

I smiled a bit to myself, proud that I knew him so well.

I twisted the ring on my left hand’s ring finger, remembering when he had given it to me, why he had given it to me, and what had followed after…

My right hand settled onto my stomach at the thought, the lump in my throat that I hadn’t been able to swallow since that day at the doctors making it incredibly hard to breathe. Everything we had planned, everything we had put into words and even the things we hadn’t were being put on the line.

The tears stung my eyes, making the stars blend into a blinding light. I wiped at them as the over flowed and I tried to quiet my sniffling, knowing Roger would be there any minute, but my body started shaking and it wouldn’t stop.

I had plans for Julliard and a life full of beautiful art and foreign countries and beautiful men and wonderful people, and now this…

With the tears still falling and my heart still settled in my gut, I began to laugh, mostly out of the sheer incredulousness of it all. Then the laughing came louder, and bitter sweet, and soon I was laughing so hard that my heart lurched up again into my chest. It was still heavy, but also light.

“Life sure throws you curve balls, doesn’t it?” I commented to myself, the broken shards of a smile still present on my lips.

Suddenly the wood next to me creaked and I turned my head to see Roger’s eyes sparkle like the stars above me.

“Hi,” I croaked, knowing how sane I must’ve looked.

“Hi,” he replied, those eyes showing his concern. “You wanted to talk?”

“I’m pregnant,” I said, and he froze in the middle of climbing the rest of the way into the treehouse.

I had never seen him look so shocked in my life, and I had seen him when Yale had sent him the little envelope instead of the big one. Apparently this was a bigger shock than not getting into his first choice of college.

He swallowed hard as he sat down, not taking his eyes off me. “What?” he asked, looking thoroughly confused.

I sat up quickly, staring him dead in the eyes and said it again, “I’m pregnant.”

“Pregnant.” He formed the word like it was foreign to his lips.

I nodded. “Yeah, and it’s yours.”

“Who else’s would it be?” He bristled with uncertainty.

“No one’s! I just- I’m still trying to wrap my head around it… That’s all,” I replied. He seemed satisfied with the answer.

There was a long stretch of silence as I let him think, and formulate his thoughts into sentences.

He sighed angrily and ran a hand through his hair before looking back up at me. “I don’t want a kid right now Lor. It’s too early, I’m going to Princeton next fall, and I don’t even have steady employment…”

The funny thing was, I had thought of all those things too, yet hearing him bail out like that, make all these excuses, it made my heart hurt.

“Well, I want it,” I said. Shocked at my own words, I covered my mouth with my hand and stared at him with wide eyes.

To be entirely honest, I'm not sure if I really did want it in that moment, or if I just felt like it was the right thing to do. Or maybe the right thing to say. But I said it, and I couldn't take it back. 

His eyes showed what he was thinking, much more clearly than they ever had before. He was not going to be a part of this path I had put myself on.

God, was his answer a painful one to see. I tried not to ggive my pain away, though I was sure that I was failing miserably at it...

His verbal reply came as a simple, “Oh.”

And a titanium wall came crashing down between us. 

*

When I came through my front door, my mother came srtiding up to me, and I was surprised she could walk that fast in such a skin tight dress. Her face was tight and my dad came out of the living room behind her, his face tangled in mixed emotions. 

"Where have you been?" she snapped.

"Nowhere," I replied quietly, moving out of her way and towards the staircase, just ready for this horrid day to be entirely over. 

"Not here isn't "nowhere" Lorelei!" She was following me, trying to get me into a corner so I would tell her where I had been. 

She kept talking too, even if I didn't reply, which I was trying very hard not to do, going on and on about how I had to be careful. About how the world is cruel and men crueler and most people just want to see it burn slowly. 

Once I had reached the first step of the stairs she said something about me being irresponsible, and I turned around and felt myself snap. "Mom, I told you, I was nowhere." She tried to speak but I just cut her off. "And what I mean by that is that I was nowhere dangerous, I am fine, everything is fine, and for the love of God stop following me!" I stomped up the stairs, but she just continued after me. 

"Lorelei, I don't believe that nothing is wrong." The dull click of her heels on the stairway carpet annoyed me to the point of wanting to plug my ears. "You've been acting strange this past week and I want to know why." 

"Well, we don't always get what we want, now do we?" I snapped back, turning the corner to my room. 

"Lorelei this outrageous! Just tell what's going on!" 

I suddenly whiped around, surprising her with my glare. "You really want to know what's wrong, Mom?" 

My mother recovered from her surprise quickly, and snapped back, "Yes, Lorelei, I do."

The tears started building, and I swallowed hard before spitting out, "I'm pregnant." The word 'pregnant' cracked somewhere in the middle, and I tried to stop myself from nearly exploding with the tidal wave of emotions I was feeling. "I'm eighteen... and I'm pregnant..." I repeated, my words a hazy whisper. "I know, I'm a horrible kid, I've let you down, and my life is going to become a mess... And honestly, right now, I don't give a crap about what you think of me, cause chances are, I'm beating myself down much worse than you ever could, and I don't need any more reasons to feel bad about myself, thank you! So just leave me alone, go bully Dad, and let me sort my emotions out!"

With that, I turned away from my mother's shocked face, and closed and locked my door, walking over to my bed and curling up into a ball under the covers. 

I knew that as soon as she told my dad, their fighting would only get worse. Especially when I told them that Roger wanted nothing to do with me, or the baby.

So long as I kept it...

If I kept it. 

I looked at the promise ring Roger had given me one last time before pulling it off my finger slowly, and setting it on top of my bedside table, hearing his last goodbye echoing grey in my mind. 

I buried myself in my covers and whispered. "But we promised..."