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5 ~ Time Lapse

For a few weeks, Annie seemed to be getting better.

Once, I was in the kitchen making myself a bowl of cereal for breakfast, and I actually saw her coming down the stairs to have a piece of toast.

Another time, I heard her singing a Disney show's theme song from my room.

Lastly, and my favorite, she came over to my room and asked me if I wanted to go outside with her. Of course I said yes.

We went out the back door. My sister was smiling. It was dark out, almost ten o'clock, but we didn't care. We went around to the front and laid down in the driveway, looking up at the sky. It was so quiet and peaceful. Annie was radiating happy energy. I studied how the stars twinkled. We weren't outside for long, but it felt like forever to me. Annie and I hadn't done anything this special in a long time.

She had been eating at least one meal a day with a snack or two, and once I even saw her playing with the dogs.

I knew she was getting better. I knew the Annie Bananie I used to play dolls and dress up and flip on the trampoline with was coming back.

I knew everything was going to be okay.

Until it wasn't.

Annie wouldn't eat. She wouldn't leave her room. She was agressive, and sometimes I couldn't even walk near her room without her shouting at me to go away. It was so painful.

I knew something was very wrong, and I wanted to help, but yet again, our parents refused. I screamed out to the world that my sister needed help, but nobody listened.

I knew she was vanishing before my eyes. She wasn't there. It was almost as if she didn't exist.

It was a scary thought, but

what if

she didn't want

to exist?

To exist. To exist. To exist.

The infinitive ran through my head.

To exist. To exist. To exist.

To exist.

To exist.

What if she didn't want to?

What if she didn't want to be alive?

It was a horrific thought, and I didn't want it to be there.

Yet, the thought still rang through my ears and singed my mind.