After the Rain

Chapter 4 - "What is human?"

“Okay, let’s try it one more time.”
I nodded, waiting for him to say his part first.
“Good morning. How are you?” The language he spoke, English, didn’t feel that strange to me now that we had spent a week studying it.
“Good … morning. I am … fine and … you,” but it still was hard trying to speak.
“Otsukare, Saki-chan.” I felt happy as he complimented me and patted my head softly. I wasn’t causing him trouble as much as I did that first two days. The language was much harder then, so hard that I couldn’t even understand how to greet him, much less how to say it.
“Arigato gozaimasu”, it was a warm feeling to be able to do something.
“Now, write it out for me”, I was no longer afraid of that command. The first day, it was hard just holding the pen properly but he never shouted me and showed me again and again until I could hold it without help.
Even writing was hard, but he taught me how to write the shape of every letter and from yesterday, I managed to remember how each looked like and what sounds they made. It was easier than learning to write Japanese, even he seemed to struggle with it.
Slowly, I scribed the pencil across the page, drawing curves and straight lines, joining them and making them into the shapes of alphabets that he taught me. When it was done, I put the pencil aside, being extra careful to leave it neatly to the side of the desk and away from my work.
When I looked at him, he smiled and said, “Well done. Every one of them is correct.”
He patted my head, a feeling that I had grown used to and liked because I knew it meant he was happy with me.
Picking the pencil up again, I said, “One more?” He looked at me confused but didn’t tell me anything, so I turned to the book and began to write, S-a-k-i.
He looked at the word when I was done, his hand over his mouth and his eyes wide. He stood without moving for a few seconds, almost like he didn’t know what to do.
I looked at the word and thought to myself, ‘Did I write it wrong?’ Maybe I was wrong to think I knew what letters made up my name from just trying to sound it out.
His hand rested on my shoulder, surprising me and making my body flinch. I wanted to apologise right away but he began to pat my head again, a lot more gently and almost shakily this time.
A quick look at him and I was left confused. The expression he had was a first for me, it looked like he was smiling but also like he was sad. His eyes were shiny and his mouth quivered as he smiled in probably the truest way I’d seen him smile. The hand that was on my shoulder trembled slightly as he bent down next to me.
“Saki, when did you learn to write this?” His voice was shaky and soft while trying not to avoid cracking.
“I used the letters,” I pointed to the chart we made together three days back that had all the letters, “I tried to use the sounds. Like you taught me. Did I write it wrong?”
He shook his head and began to laugh gently like he couldn’t believe what he had heard, but also like he was happy to hear it. “I’m proud of you, Saki. That is how I spell your name in English.”
I thanked him, but there was more than I wanted to say. I wanted to tell him that I was grateful for the name, that I learnt how to write it to show him how happy I was for it but I didn’t know how to. As I was, this was the best that I could do and I was glad I tried to, even if I might have written it wrong.
“Saki-chan, we are going to leave just now. Can you go put on a jacket”, it was more like he was telling me to do it so I nodded as he began to neaten up the books on the table.
He said that we needed to go and get school things for me and items for supper. I felt nervous about leaving the house again, we hadn’t left the house for four days now. We were always busy in the house, he showed me how to do many things like how to fold the futon properly, how to put the TV on, what I could take and eat in the morning, how to play games on his console, although that was still very hard. And, although he always told me to relax, I begged him to let me help him clean the house. There wasn’t much else that I could do and I wanted to help him in some way. And he let me after a while, and even then, he taught me how to do certain things that I tried but didn’t know how to do. He didn’t complain, he smiled and laughed as music played in the background.
For the past few days, I don’t remember a moment when he let me cry over anything. He was always smiling, but he seemed to smile a lot more whenever he talked into his laptop in the room.
The thing we always spent most of the day on was learning how to write and speak. He taught me English mostly, things like how to write the language, how to say the simple things and anything he thought I might need to know in school. However, when it came to my language he didn’t seem to know much more than how to speak it. We practiced the 46 different alphabets and how to write them and say them, and just like with English we practiced the basic things of Hiragana.
But, whenever there was something he didn’t know he always spoke to himself in English, ‘We going to need help with this.’
He never showed me that he was worried but I knew he was. I did my best to learn but it was very hard. He made English easy though and even fun, like the time we watched TV and he paused the anime on certain parts and we tried to guess what it was in English. He knew what it was though, he always knew but he laughed alongside me as he pretended to get the guesses wrong.
When I came back from the room with the jacket on, something I only knew because he showed me what it was the last time I felt cold and shivered as we studied in the lounge. I never knew that something could be so easy to carry on you but was as warm as a blanket, and it was just another reason for me to be grateful to him for.
“I’m ready now”, I ran to the lounge as fast as I could, hoping to be there before him and not keep him waiting.
“Let’s go, Saki”, he was already by the door, putting his shoes on.
A little disheartened that I couldn’t surprise him and be ready before him, I walked over to him and put the correct shoe on each of my feet, the last time I put them on the opposite sides but I would learn to not disappoint him with the same mistakes.
But, no matter how many times I tried to tie and re-tie the laces, I couldn’t get it right. I felt a little worried when he stayed silent and waited for me to finish with the shoes. Suddenly, a slight fear overcame me. What if he took the shoes away because I couldn’t tie it after he showed me? What if he abandoned me because I wasn’t smart enough to learn how to tie a lace? My breathing began to accelerate, and the floor felt like it was starting spin. The lights kept flickering and -
A gentle pat on my head had everything snap back into place, almost like it was pat back to what was real and not scary in my head.
I looked up, his eyes met mine with a gentle gaze before he said, “Saki-chan, you can asj for help if you can’t do something.”
I apologised. I was troubling him again.
“Don’t worry.” He bent down and began to tie my laces. “Next time, just ask me, okay?”
I nodded.
As soon as he was done, he looked at me with a smile as he asked if I was ready. It was scary to think about going back outside to the world, but with him next to me, smiling warmly like he always did, I knew that it wasn’t as scary anymore.
As long as I could be by him.
He opened the door and a cold breeze blew in, stinging my warm nose and burning my eyes. A feeling a knew all too well, but still the surprise hit me that it was so cold outside but so warm inside. I opened my eyes to look pass the stinging cold air and see the bright light of the sky filling the space outside for everyone to see the trees, road, buildings and each other.
Was I going to be okay? I thought as the fear of their eyes tore wholes into me, like I was a problem for simply being there.
“Saki-chan”, he was already half way out of the door, turning back to look at me with a waiting smile.
I rushed forward, taking a very quick step.
And, without thinking about it, I grabbed his left hand. I closed my eyes, expecting him to pull his hand away but there was no reaction.
With a little courage, slowly one eye opened to look at him, he looked down with a shocked expression on his face. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach and wanted to apologise for doing something he might not have liked but before I had the chance to let go, his hand closed around mine.
“Ikuyo, Saki-chan”, I didn’t need to look up at him, the smile on his face washed away any cold that blew our way, I could feel it.
With my hand in his, we took a step outside of the house, of the safehouse he showed me. But, I no longer felt like I was in danger, he felt like safety right then.
The train ride was so exciting. Going down the tunnel into the ground and onto something that moved so fast, it was unbelievable. I wanted to go right back on it and stare out the window as we passed the people on the streets, the buildings and even cars with a blinding speed.
He seemed to be just as wide eyed as I was while looking out the window of the train. It made me feel a little comfortable knowing that this was probably normal to be so happy about a train ride, but the people around us hardly seemed cared about looking out the window.
They had their heads in their phones, in a book, or on something else. Some even had cord running to their ears, and if I tried to listen hard enough, I could hear the sounds of music coming from where the cords ended at the ears. There were even the one or two people asleep.
And, when we it came to a stop and we exited the ‘station’ as he called it, the city above was much different from the one we lived in. It didn’t have that many tall buildings but it was busy with many people rushing this way and that, almost like the mall but there was no roof covering. It was just a busy town.
“Saki-chan, hold my hand, okay? I don’t want you to get lost here”, he offered my hand, which I took hold of quickly. Seeing all these people made me feel uncomfortable, it’s not like I wasn’t used to seeing this many people. On the street, it wasn’t strange to see crowds that never ended, even at night.
However, it was the crowds eyes’ that frightened me. The countless gazes that always judged me and looked down or away with disgust, like I was a sewer rat not even worth being in the same space as them.
I wish it was just the way they looked at me that was scary, it wasn’t. Their abuse, their attacks that hurt. Their words that cut into my body like glass I sometimes had to sleep on, hurt just as much as the pain from them kicking me away or pushing me against a wall.
Without thinking, I held his hand a little tighter as he helped me weave our way through the crowds. He was the only person that didn’t push me away or kick me to the ground. He did the exact opposite, he pulled me in for a hug when I wanted to run away in fear, and he helped me back to my feet every time I fell.
“Saki-chan, we going there”, he pointed to a store that looked more like for working adults.
I nodded and followed him. As we entered the store, I couldn’t avoid a man and bumped into him. Quickly, I flinched away but the man didn’t look at me like it was my fault. He just walked away without a word, and without passing some disgusted motion to me.
“You okay, Saki-chan?” I nodded as he looked down at me before looking out of the store to the man who bumped me. He looked a little angry but just shook his head and said something softly.
“Sorry about that, Saki-chan. I should have got him to apologise to you. Did you get hurt”, he asked me as another person passed us.
I nodded. I was fine, the man barely bumped me hard enough to hurt me after all the punishment I received before. He still apologised although it wasn’t his fault, and people looked at him patting my head. I wanted to look away and tell him not to that, I didn’t want them to look at him they way they looked at me.
I didn’t want them to look at him like he made them feel dirty too.
But, they weren’t.
Nobody even looked at us, and those that did gave him looks that I couldn’t understand. They had a shine in their eyes when looking at him, especially the women. The men mostly ignored it but some just looked and smiled to themselves as they walked pass. It was hard to understand, and it was even harder to imagine others looking at me as anything other than a rat.
The women who looked at him also looked at me, and they smiled at us both. I wanted to ask him if this was normal, and if everything was okay. This felt more like a dream that I never had before, I’d been so used to people looking at me with disgust and anger whenever I asked them for help or food that now, I was confused when they looked my way with smiles, warm smiles.
Not nearly as warm as his but a smile much too bright than I was used to getting from strangers.
The shop wasn’t big, nor was it too small, but it was busy. It wasn’t like the time we went to the mall, there was a lot of space. Here, it felt more like everything was everywhere. It was weird to see so many that didn’t even bat an eye at me like I was filth but I got over it after a while when he began to lead us through the crowd and looked over a bunch of things.
“Saki, do you want colour pencils or crayons instead”, he would ask whenever looking at some stationery but I would just shrug. I wasn’t sure which was which.
But, when I looked at the basket of stationery, his questions wouldn’t have made much difference as he took both options. The black pens and blue pens, the colour pens, colour pencils and crayons, even the paint set that I had no idea how to use was there.
He got different books for me. A few for using in class, a few for home, a few for something I didn’t understand and even a drawing book, or a sketch pad as he called it.
I didn’t know what the big plain white boards were for but he got them anyway while smiling at me as he said it was for the next time we had a lot of free time. He bought everything, and letting me hold a packet, we walked back into the streets.
For the first time, I was smiling as I walked in the street.
For the first time, I wasn’t being looked down at, nor was I begging.
For the first time, I was holding someone’s hand because I wasn’t alone.
I didn’t need to say anything, or ask for anything. He had already given so much to me. But, he bought me a bottle of water when he got thirsty. He even stopped at a sweet shop and with another packet in his hand, he still got me a separate chocolate bar without getting for himself.
Before this, I never knew what it meant to go shopping, I probably still didn’t. Not like it bothered me, as long as I could go with him, it was something I would love to do. Not for the sweets and all the things he keeps getting for me, I wish he would stop doing that for someone as undeserving as me, but just so that I could keep him company and not let him be alone. It felt like that was all I could do for him.
“Hmmm … I feel like I’m forgetting to buy something”, he suddenly said while looking into a shop. People walked around us without a second thought, so it didn’t seem like we had to move.
I wanted to ask him what was wrong and why we stopped so suddenly but before I could say anything he began to walk towards the store, pulling me along with him. As we entered, I realised that the store had bags, many different types of bags. Small ones, and big ones that were almost the size of me. Ones that were like what he had the day we met and more like the one he kept his laptop in.
“Saki-chan, I almost forgot to get you a school bag”, he said as we walked to the back of the store where there were smaller bags in different colours and pictures.
He picked up one and showed it to me, “Saki-chan, what do you think of this one?”
It was a black and pink bag. Well, more pink than black, it looked like any normal school bag but the pink colours looked like the flowers on the cherry blossom trees of Spring. It even had a picture of flowers on the front with the cutest looking black and white cat among them.
And, my eyes were glued to it.
“Kawaii.” I blurted out without looking away from it. Unlike the shirt that reminded me of Neko-chan, this didn’t because it looked nothing like her. All it did was remind me why I liked cats, because of how cute they are.
“Do you want it”, he asked while lowering it into my arms that reached out on their own.
I nodded as I held it, looking right at the cat’s beady eyes.
He walked me to the cashier immediately and bought it. He looked at me and smiled, “Saki-chan, do you want to use the bag now?” 
I nodded. A bit too quickly though, the excitement of it just overtook it for a moment, shaking my head beyond my control.
He laughed and told me to stretch my arms out, something I also did quickly. I closed my eyes, not sure what to expect, but before I could open them, there was a weight of something on both sides of my shoulders telling me that he put it on me.
I felt my shoulders and the bag’s straps was like a scratchy but ticklish fabric against the skin of my fingers. It weighed almost nothing but looking at his smiling face, I could feel the bag suddenly get heavier. Much heavier than anything I’ve had to carry in the past.
Maybe it had to do with him, maybe it was because I owed him so much. Maybe, it was because the life I now had was all his.
“I think that’s everything. Her uniform should have already been delivered to the house while we were out.” He talked to himself while we walked out of the store, his hand still holding mine. “Let’s go home.”
“Are we going on the fast thing again”, I asked him feeling the excitement before he even answered.
“Yes, Saki. We are.”
I wanted to squeal but settled for hopping alongside him as we walked through the slowly thinning crowd.
“What do you think, Saki-chan?”
I looked in the mirror at the new outfit that was waiting for us when we got home. There were three more that looked exactly like this one, which I didn’t understand.
The mirror reflected me, with a little more colour. My hair was neatly tied back, letting me see my face completely now, except for the bit of hair that fell over my forehead. The shirt I wore, was completely white with a weird blue collar that seemed to fall right to my shoulder and down my chest to end with a tie. The skirt that came with it covered down to my knee and was blue, and unlike the shirt that felt like it was on me, the skirt was as light as the wind.
“What is this for”, I asked him.
“It’s for school.”
“School?”
I’d always heard of it and seen other kids going somewhere dressed in these uniform sailor outfits but I’ve never seen a school or been to one, not even when I stayed my previous ‘parents’.
He nodded. “It’s a place where you go to learn.”
“Like how we do there”, I pointed to the table just outside of the room.
“Yes, but this is in a big room and a much bigger building. There will be lots of children your age too.” He tried to show me how big the building was by waving his hands in the air.
But, all it did was make me feel more frightened. “Do I have to go?”
“Yes, Saki.”
I couldn’t look at him, somewhere inside me, a memory began to surface again.
How many days have I been living on the streets now?
It couldn’t have been more than a few days, but my clothes were already browner than the light blue it originally had. There were more holes in it than some windows had.
My body felt itchy all over, sometimes it pained and sometimes it just felt numb, but it always itched. My feet felt heavy and my felt light. My stomach poked until tears stung my eyes again and again.
I just wanted to lie down but every time I did, somebody would kick me out of their way. But, that wasn’t the worst part.
The way they looked at me. Like their eyes were burning into me, cursing me for existing, and trying to tear away at my life like I was a mistake. Their eyes didn’t shine, it was dim like sky before a storm. Dim like nightmares that haunted me even when I closed my eyes and tried to look away. Their gazes were far scarier than the times they angrily kicked me away while yelling at me like I was filth.
Their gazes were still less scary.
When compared to the red shining orbs that stared at me from the distance. Like the eyes of the devil laughing at my daily suffering.
I didn’t realise how much my hands and legs had begun to shake until he reached out and took my hands in his.
“Saki, you don’t need to be scared.”
“Why can’t I learn with you there”, I wanted to look at the table but I couldn’t lift my head from its stubborn poise at the floor. I was afraid of going into another place that was filled with people I didn’t know.
I was afraid to be away from him.
“Saki, listen. You can’t learn here because there are things I can’t teach you”, he tried to explain.
“Kowai yo”, that was it. I knew it, he was going to abandon me now. He did all he could for me, that’s why he wanted to leave me at this school now. My shoulders began to shake as the tears came out faster than my ragged breaths.
I was scared. Scared of everything.
Scared of him leaving me.
Scared of people looking at me with those eyes again.
Scared of the streets.
And, scared of myself.
And then, everything went silent. Just like it always did whenever he pulled me into his warmth. Into the safety he called a hug. I couldn’t hear the fears eating at my mind. Nor could I feel the cold tears bite at my skin.
Everything bad just seemed to stop when he was here.
“Saki, you don’t have to be scared. I’m going to be in school with you. I teach there”, he said while wiping my cheeks dry with his handkerchief.
“Anata…”
“Yes, I teach there Saki. I won’t let you go alone.” That smile, that comforting smile.
“Yakusoku?”
“I promise.” He held out the pinky finger on his right hand.
When I continue look at him confused he said, “You take your pinky,” he pulled my right hand up to his and motioned for me to hold my pinky finger out too, “And, then you do this.” He held my finger tightly with his. “Now this is a promise that means I will never break it, okay?”
“Never?”
“Never and forever?” He shook his hand with each word and let go of my finger with the last word.
I couldn’t help but stare at my finger in awe.
“Saki-chan, why don’t you go bath and get into…”
“Pyjamas”, I finished the sentence for him, knowing that he was testing to see if I remembered.
“Good girl”, he patted my head, “I’ll set the water for you.”
He left the room. After one last look at myself in the school uniform, I took it off. I wasn’t sure who I was, I wasn’t even sure if I knew who I was from the start.
Saki.
That’s the only name I ever had, or could remember having.
The only name that stayed in my head like my body was attracted to the hot water of the tub. The water was always set perfectly, enough to remove from my head bad memories like it did with any dirt on my body.
But today, there was a lot that it couldn’t remove.
Like, why would An…Anti…why would he even want to bring someone like me into his life? Why did he try so hard to help me all the time?
I know that maybe it was because he was kind like this all the time, but he didn’t need to do so much for me.
He even promised to go to school with me.
School … he said that all the kids learn there. I was still afraid, what if they rejected me. What if they looked at me like a was a rat? If they attacked me and hurt me, could he save me again?
Was I always going to rely on him?
I shook myself, starting with my head.
He was never so weak. Could I not be as strong as he was, did I always have to be so weak. No, it was because of him that I can be strong.
I was frightened about the other kids but if he was there then I would be fine. I could be a kid just like them.
I was afraid of not being able to learn like them but if he’s there, I could learn because he will be there.
“Saki!”
He called from out of the bathroom.
“If you done, come out soon. Food will be ready in a bit.”
No sooner was out of the bath than was my pyjamas already on. Their warmth was second best to his hugs and better than the bath for one reason: He bought them for me.
I quickly hung the towel where he showed me and headed into the kitchen to see if he needed some help.
“Saki-chan, you don’t need to help. Everything is almost…” his voice trailed off when he looked at me. “Okay, put the plates and cups on the table for me.”
I smiled, feeling happy that he let me help him again today.
After the first two plates and cups were set, he told me to set the forks and spoons. The first day I asked to help, he took longer to explain to me what each name was than he did to take them out and put them on the table.
Today, I made sure that I put every correct one out.
“Saki, that’s not the spoons.” I looked at the two utensils in my hand, “Those are the knives.”
My cheeks burnt up in embarrassment. ‘And just as I decided that I would remember everyone’, I thought to myself as I quickly put the knives away and took out the correct spoons.
“All done”, I said while standing next to where he told me to sit every day, right opposite him.
He looked at the table then at me with a smile that said everything he didn’t. His phone rang before he could tell me anything, he looked at it and his face sank. He answered it and his voice became clear and strong, rather than the cute and friendly one he used with me, “Moshi moshi, Kazami-san.”
I couldn’t hear what was being said on the phone nor did I understand what he was saying in English. Even with all the work we did on my language, I still battled to keep up with him.
I did manage to catch the last bit though, the one that made him look kind of uncomfortable before he put the phone down.
“Must I put a plate and cup for Kazami-san too?”
“Saki? Did you hear that?” He sounded shocked.
I quickly apologised for listening in on his conversation without permission, but he waved me off and said, “I’m very proud of you for being able to understand English. Good job.”
My hands reacted to him and reflected the two thumbs up that he had facing me. As he turned to stir the pot again, I immediately set down a plate and cup for Kazami-san, I almost forgot to put the fork and spoon for her but remembered when I saw it next to my plate.
“Saki-chan, why don’t you go watch some TV? Kazami-san is still on her way.”
“Arigato gozaimasu”, I thanked him and quickly walked into the lounge where I grabbed the remote and handed it to him from the lounge.
He flipped through a few channels before stopping on one that was showing an anime.
It was an anime I hadn’t watched before but I remember seeing it on TV’s while passing shops on the streets now and then.
It was about this little puppy who had many different animal friends. She lived like a stray and always went on fun adventures with her friends. Other than that, I never got to see more of it to know because the shopkeepers would always come to chase me away from their front windows.
The episode had already reached the mid part, and the puppy had done something wrong and run away from home, scared about how her parents would feel about it.
For some reason, I couldn’t stop watching it. It was sad but you couldn’t just turn away from it. Even as her friends told her to turn back and stop being stupid, she still ran further from home.
I felt this, it reminded me of when I ran away from home, but I had a hell for a home instead of family.
Watching the way his family searched for him, made me wonder what my life would have been like if that woman or that man actually went to look for me when I had run away.
If they had looked for me, would I feel the same type of happiness as I do with him. He isn’t even my family so would I have felt happier if they came for me?
“Saki-chan, come eat. Kazami-san is here now”, he called to me from the kitchen.
I stood up, feeling a little light headed, perhaps from thinking too much. I was also surprised to see Kazami-san in the kitchen, ‘When did she get here?’ I wondered to myself before taking the remote.
As I was about to put the TV off, a scene stopped me.
The pup was being embraced by her mother and father, as they told her, “It’s because you are family.”
Family.
I wish I knew what that word actually meant.
In the kitchen, Kazami-san was standing next to my seat. I saw her and did exactly as he taught me before. I bowed slightly and said, “Hello, Kazami-san.” Then lifted my head and waited her greeting which came as a low response, with an edge in her voice that sounded a bit scary.
She immediately continued talking to him in English as I took my place next to where Kazami-san stood. As soon as I sat down, I heard her click her tongue angrily and move to stand behind his seat.
“Kazami-san, you don’t need to keep standing, take a seat.” He walked over to the table and sat a hot plate of meat, that was soaked in some gravy, in the middle of the table and next to it he added another bowl of rice.
I looked at her, wondering if I should help her sit down but instead she took the plate and cup that I had laid next to my seat and sat on the far end of the table, at least two seats away from me. He looked at her and said, “You don’t need to sit so far away, you know.”
“Yes, but I am more comfortable here”, she quickly shot him with a voice as sharp as a knife. Afterwards, she reached in her bag and pulled out a pair of chopsticks.
She put food on her plate without saying anything and ate in silence.
No matter how much he talked to me, joked around or asked Kazami-san anything, she never spoke or laughed without putting her chopsticks down first. Except, she never once laughed, she would look at him with a smile but all I got was stares cold enough to freeze my glass of juice.
It was perhaps the most uncomfortable supper I’d ever had. From the way he always kept laughing and enjoying his food, I doubted her knew just how weird things were. But I did as he did and kept a smile, although it was forced, on my face the entire time. However, he made it hard to keep my smile forced, with every joke of his, some of which I didn’t understand and some from the shows we watched together now and then.
As soon as Kazami-san was done, she put her chopsticks in the packet she took it out from and said, “Thank you for the food.”
“You finished that quite fast”, he said looking at her with a large smile that was probably big enough to swallow his plate in one go.
“You would too if you didn’t talk so much”, her reply was cold.
He shook his head and said, “Supper is a family thing. Whether you are a friend, a stranger or a spouse, the food will always taste better when you enjoy it together.”
She replied but I didn’t hear need to understand it to know that she didn’t agree.
I swallowed the last bit of rice and meat before finishing the juice in my cup.
“Thank you for the food”, I closed my hands together and said the prayer as he taught me.
Before I could do anything else though, he picked my plate and cup up. I was about to tell him let me do it but he was gone to the sink before I could open my mouth.
All that followed was a weird silence as I sat at the table with a hot gaze lasering into the side of my face as I tried to my hardest not to look back.
“Sensei, why don’t you ask her to wash the dishes? Why are you doing it?” Her voice went from silent to suddenly loud, loud enough that it made me feel like she was about to slap me for not looking at her.
“Today is my turn, Kazami-san.” He said from the sink, “We have turns and yesterday was Saki’s turn.” He then spoke in Japanese, “Didn’t you wash dishes yesterday, Saki-chan?”
I nodded as he looked at me for an answer. I wanted to say it loud but I couldn’t find my voice when I looked into Kazami-san’s cold gaze.
“See Kazami-san? That’s how we are here.”
She didn’t say anything back, only made a ‘hmph’ sound, I guess to say she understood or heard him.
He came back to the table and wiped his hands with a towel that he had whenever we washed our hands.
“Well, Kazami-san. How was-” he stopped midway through talking and sitting down when a sound from his phone came quite loudly.
Then, as if he had forgotten something important, he burst out of the kitchen and grabbed his phone from the lounge.
He answered it and spoke into it in a hurried tone.
When he came back into the kitchen, he said to Kazami-san, “Sorry to this but I didn’t realise that it was time for me to video call my fiancé.” Then to me, “Saki-chan, do me a favour and help Kazami-san out when she’s ready to leave, okay?”
Kazami-san let out a sigh and said, “It’s okay. Go speak to your lady and give her my well wishes for her exams.”
But he was gone, the room door closed behind him. Soon after, the sound of his laptop starting could be heard all the way in the kitchen. Normally, I would go and watch television but he told me to help Kazami-san so I waited in the kitchen for her as she slowly sipped away on the tea in her cup.
I didn’t know what to say, she made me feel scared and nervous. Like if I did anything, one wrong move and she would shout me, or hurt me.
“Saki.” Her voice cut through the silence like a glass through my bare feet.
“Y-yes, Kazami-san.” I stammered the first words, feeling nervous the more I looked at her.
She took another sip of the hot tea. Then spoke, looking right into my eyes with a fierce gaze as she put the cup down, “Tomorrow is your first day of school. Have you learnt anything yet?”
She spoke to me in English. It was faster than when he spoke to me and there were words I didn’t know. She said ‘school’ but, “I don’t understand. Sorry, Kazami-san.”
She looked at me with a twisted look on her face. It looked like she was very angry but it was scary, “You don’t even know that much. I asked if you learnt anything yet?”
Her voice was as scary as her expression. She didn’t need to hit, the way she spoke felt like she just dumped a pile of bricks over my head.
“I’m sorry, Kazami-san.”
“You’re sorry? You don’t understand, do you,” she lowered her face to me, bringing her eyes to level with mine. She had a scary look in her eyes but I couldn’t look away. I could turn from them, it felt like my entire body didn’t want to listen to me. Then she spoke in a low voice that sounded like the snarling of dog that was ready to bite my throat, “This is not a game, child. Did you think that your life was fine now because some kind man picked you off the streets and brought you home?”
I could feel my hands shaking under the table.
“You think this is like the shows you watch on TV? Nothing works out fine because you want it to. You are a curse on his path. You are no ‘Saki’.” She sat upright and sipped the rest of her tea.
My eyes were burning and my breath was shaky. They both wanted to come out but they couldn’t. I was scared.
It hurt. My chest really hurt. I wanted to cry but my eyes hurt too much to let the tears out. No matter where I’d been, nobody had ever said that to me. She called me exactly what she thought I was, a curse on his life.
I didn’t want to believe her, but I did.
I couldn’t do anything good for him.
She put the cup down again, after drinking the last bit of the tea. The sound it made echoed through my head.
It sounded like the glass breaking around the fragile thoughts of happiness I had. It was a slap. One that reminded me what I was.
“Thank him for the tea later. I’ll be going now.” She stood up and walked out of the kitchen.
I was afraid I might not have been able to move but my body did it automatically. He told me to help her out, I had to do it even if I was afraid of her. Even if she would kick me away if I got to close to her.
She didn’t say anything when I passed her and opened the door. I couldn’t even see her expression as she passed by me on the way out. I couldn’t bring myself to look up, maybe from fear or because I didn’t deserve to.
When she was outside, I did as he taught me and bowed slightly before saying, “Thank you for coming.”
“He’s not your family.” Her words cut a hole into my heart. My legs felt weak, as weak as strength in my hand that held the doorknob.
“All you are going to do is bring his life down. You are his curse, not his family. You are just an insect in his way.” It felt like she kept stabbing into me with pieces of cold, jagged glass. Tears began to well up at the sides of my eyes, and my throat felt like there some a massive stone stuck inside, trying to pull everything with it as it tried to descend into my stomach.
“Insects don’t have family. Only humans do. Do you understand? You have nobody, no family.” Please stop. I wanted to beg her to stop but I could feel them coming. I could feel the tears begin to bite me. Please don’t say anymore.
“And, an insect will never be human.”
There was a sense of sadness in my heart as he made our beds.
He did with a smile, whistling to a song that had been stuck in his head for a while now. I liked the song too but I didn’t know what it was called, nor have I heard it before. I just liked the way he whistled it.
I wanted to ask if he needed my help but no words came to my mouth. Instead, it was Kazami-san’s words that slapped my face again.
I wasn’t worthy enough to be here with him.
When he was done, he looked at me and said, “Saki, go get ready for bed. We have a big day tomorrow.”
I looked at the pyjamas he had laid out for me and felt tears begin to well up in my eyes again. Before they could fall, I quickly grabbed the light blue pants and tee and ran to the bathroom.
The door couldn’t have closed faster before the tears came out. He still smiled at me so warmly, so caringly. It hurt to see it, it really did.
Why was it so painful? I should be used to this by now. The rejection of others and the hate they felt towards me. But why, why did it hurt so much now? What Kazami-san said was true, I wasn’t his family, I was nothing to him . . . but why did it hurt so much now?
Even as I wiped the tears away, more just fell to replace them. My eyes stung like a wasp had begun to attack me. My nose felt like it was being cut from the inside out. And, my throat, I only wish I could describe the pain I felt with every breath.
Or maybe it was all that which hurt me. Maybe it was just the truth finally breaking through this lie that I let myself believe. That must have been it, that was what hurt.
“Saki-chan, are you okay?” His voice was soft, calling to me with a comfort that almost made it feel like the tears would go away if all I did was nod and say, “Yes. I’m okay.”
“Okay, I’ll be in the room. Do you remember how to use the washer on the toilet?”
I didn’t realise that I replied to him. I thought I had just thought it but nothing, not even my own body could resist speaking to him. It’s just who he is, he deserved whatever respect I could give him.
But, it wasn’t just that. His voice, even if I couldn’t see him, it was his voice. He was my hero, all my strength, my comfort and safety, it all came from him. And, all he had to do was just speak to me.
“Yes. I’ll be right there.” I replied, hoping he wouldn’t speak, hoping his voice wouldn’t make it all the more harder.
“Good girl. Come quick, okay? I didn’t forget about the story I promised you.”
I forgot all about it.
As his footsteps left me alone, I forgot about what I asked him last night. I wanted to know about him, where he lived. I asked him to tell me about the place he came from.
But now, I was afraid to know.
I knew, because of Kazami-san, that I didn’t deserve to know more about him. But, I didn’t want to keep him waiting any longer.
The pyjama top and pants were warm, just like every other one he got for me. I truly cherished these clothes he got me, nobody had ever given me such clean and warm clothes. Nobody but him.
“Uh . . .” I knocked as I entered the room. He was already in his futon, looking at his phone as he tapped the screen to send a message.
He looked in my direction immediately while putting the phone back on charge next to him. “I think that colour suits you.”
“Suits me?” I didn’t understand something again.
“Yes, that means it looks good on you.” He explained to me, just like he does every time I don’t understand something.
I looked down at the t-shirt. I did like this colour, but it made me feel happier that he liked it too. At the same time, the happiness hurt my chest, like a million needles stabbing inside me.
“Arigato gozaimasu”, I thanked him. “I like the pyjamas a lot.”
He smiled.
I walked over to my futon and got inside, under the fluffy brown blanket he gave me two nights back when he woke up and found me shivering.
“Saki-chan? Is it okay if I put the lights off”, he asked as he reached for the lamp switch.
“Yes.” I nodded as turned to look at him.
With a click, the room was dark. With another click, a dim light shone from the small bulb next to the light. He said it was the night light, something that is used for people who can’t sleep in the dark. But he uses it whenever he wants to do work at night, so he doesn’t disturb people opposite the road.
I didn’t understand it because he couldn’t disturb anyone. His apartment was much higher than the other buildings opposite the road.
“Saki-chan. Do you still want to know about my home?” He lay on his futon, covering himself up to his chest, leaving only his arms out.
I wanted to know, but I was afraid to ask him. Did I have the right to know more about him? Did an insect deserve to see the world of a human?
I didn’t know.
“I can tell you. I don’t mind. In fact, I think I’d like to tell you, Saki-chan.” He started.
I closed my eyes and rolled onto my side away from him, sad that he would waste his time on me and tell me about his world. About his life before he came here.
“Saki-chan, are you awake?” I could feel his gaze on my back but I didn’t reply. I couldn’t, there wasn’t any strength left for me to face him.
“I guess she fell asleep. Well, we did do a lot today.” He pulled the blanket to cover me properly. “Good night, Saki-chan. We have a long day tomorrow.”
The sound of him resting into his futon as he pulled his blanket over him and most likely wrapped himself in it like a mummy, made me feel sad. This was probably my last chance to look at his smile.
I couldn’t stay with him any longer.
He had been kind to me, and given me a lot. He gave me a name, he gave me an identity.
All I’d given him was my cursed life, and he didn’t deserve that.
I stayed silently in my futon, waiting for him to fall asleep. But even when I could hear his breathing gone light and easy, I was afraid. Tears silently rolled down my face but I didn’t cry. I wanted to scream and tell him how sorry I was but, if he woke up, I would never be able to leave.
If he smiled at me, I wouldn’t be able to turn away.
And, if he hugged me, any thoughts I had of leaving would be gone.
I was weak and selfish. I couldn’t be here with him, he was human, a strong human.
I . . . what was I? Did I even deserve to be called an insect?
Picking myself off the floor, I didn’t dare roll the futon because I was afraid it would wake him. So, with steps as slow as I could take, I left the room, leaving him behind with all the clothes he bought for a girl that didn’t deserve so much kindness.
I could hurt myself for making him waste all his time on the shopping for me. He bought all of those clothes, but I didn’t deserve it.
But, still he bought them for me.
Tears began to fill up again as I thought of how disrespectful I was being, leaving what he got for me, even though he didn’t have to.
My hands shook as I put the shoes on my feet. I could feel my body wanting to pull me back to him, I should tell him good bye. I should thank him for all he’s done for me.
But, I knew that I couldn’t. That I shouldn’t, because if I did. I would never be able to leave him, I would stay around him like the curse I was.
I turned around and looked into the apartment one more time. The kitchen was just to the left of me. I would always remember the chocolate milk he gave me to drink every morning, it was warm and really sweet. Like the hugs he gave me that one time in the lounge. And the lounge, he always played music or had some anime on for me to watch when he wasn’t helping me study.
I learnt to read and write from him. I couldn’t do much but he took the time to teach me. He gave me his time.
I bowed to the house and said as softly as I could, “Arigato gozaimasu.”
The door creaked a little when I opened it, but it made no noise as it closed. It shut silently, letting me leave like it knew . . . I didn’t belong in there.
The night was cold, and it was dark. The moon was hidden behind clouds as an icy wind scratched the air. I had forgotten how cold it could be out here on nights like this, the room was always warm with him there.
Even when he had the lights off, not once did it feel like the darkness was creeping up to me the way it felt here. I didn’t know where to go, everything just felt like it was out to grab me and drag me back to where I once belonged, a forgotten corner near a ditch that somebody had used as a toilet.
I kept walking, letting my feet take me wherever they wanted to. I couldn’t see anyway; my vision was too blurry with all the tears that seem to leave a path behind me.
I wanted to see him smiling at me again. I really wanted that, but every time I tried to picture his smile Kazami-san’s disgusted look would face me, telling me, “You are an insect. You are not human.”
Wiping my eyes, I didn’t notice it until I walked right into the side of something cold and hard. It hurt where I stubbed my toe on it and where my head bumped it, but it wasn’t nearly as painful as the emptiness I felt inside.
I cleared my eyes and looked at what I hit. There was a dim light overhead, it kept flickering like the darkness was trying to break its strength too. To the side of me there was a bus stop, and to my front was the place for people to wait.
I sat inside it, feeling the slight bit of safety it offered from the icy winds of the night. It wasn’t warm, the steel guards were cold from the constant touches of the breeze and the seat felt like somebody had just taken it out of a freezer.
This was just like back then, when I first ran away from that woman who tried to kill me every chance she got.
The floor was cold, it was hard, it poked me, it was hurting me.
I cried as I tried to find a place to lay down. But no matter how much I cried, no matter where I went, even the homeless cats and people chased me away with hisses and threats.
It was really scary. The night, why was it so cold?
Why did it feel like it was going to swallow me whole?
I wish I could just find some place warm and comfortable to sleep, but actually, at this point I just wish I could sleep.
So much time had passed since then.
I was in my pyjamas then too, but at least now I wore ones that fitted me. The ones he got for me were warm too. I didn’t feel like it was going to choke me when I moved. It was cute and fluffy; the colour was pretty and reminded me of the bright days when he took me shopping.
There was so much he got me, the clothes, shoes, sweets, food, drinks.
Tears began to well up again as I felt sadness and angry at myself for taking all that from him and not paying him back somehow.
I curled up and rested my head on my knees, blocking my face on both sides as my arms held my body close. Tears just ran on, without any sign of stopping. My body shook as the tears fell onto my shirt, leaving streaks wherever it fell.
I wanted to scream again, but I couldn’t let out anything more than the whimper that came with my tears.
“I’m sorry.”
I cried, as the words came out shakily.
“Gomen nasai.”
I wanted him to hear it. I wanted him to know how sorry I was for wasting his time.
“Honto ni … gomen nasai.” I was really sorry.
Please forgive me. I don’t want to be hated by you. I’m really sorry.
My thoughts cried into the night as I sat by myself, hating myself with every second that passed.
I didn’t know if I’d fallen asleep.
I didn’t even remember when it was that I stopped crying.
Did I cry myself to sleep?
I opened my eyes slowly, feeling a little dizzy and not completely aware of anything. It was still dark, I guess I only slept for a little while then.
“Saki.”
Heavy breathing. Very heavy, rushed breathes.
I opened my eyes and blinked to clear my vision. The tears had dried at the sides of my eyes, making it feel like the skin had frozen itself shut.
“Saki!” Hands grabbed my shoulders as my legs fell to the floor.
Why were you here?
No, you shouldn’t be here. I looked down, I couldn’t face you.
Where were your shoes? Why are you not wearing any shoes? Why did you come for me?
“Saki! Say something, are you okay?” He wasn’t speaking Japanese properly like normal, his voice was loud and worried, and he spoke while trying to breathe between every second word.
He really was here. I didn’t want him to be here, I didn’t want him to come find me. I left you for a reason, I didn’t want to burden you. But still, you came for me. I couldn’t say anything to you.
I tried to speak, but all that came out was the screams I had been trying to keep hidden before.
I cried and sobbed, my cries screaming out their sadness.
“I’m sorry,” I cried as he pulled me into a hug as he sat next to me.
He sat there quietly, pulling my head into his warm chest. Letting me cry as he patted my back while the entire time saying to me, “It’s okay, Saki. I’m here now.”
I cried for what must have been minutes, and even when my throat had gone sore from the screams and my eyes burned from letting so many tears wet it, I couldn’t stop myself from pouring more into him and just letting him ease my tears away with every stroke on my head.
I’m sure his tee must have become soaked in my tears but he didn’t move.
He let me cry until I couldn’t anymore.
I couldn’t understand why he would come for me after I left.
Why? Wasn’t I just an insect? Wasn’t I just a curse on your life?
So why? Why did you come find me?
I wish I could have asked him, but no voice came to me, my throat hurt too much to do anything more than breathe out the rest of my tears as my body shook from the pain of crying.
“Saki, I won’t ask you why you left but if anything troubles you.” He hugged me a little tighter, just a little bit. “Come to me, okay? I’m right here.”
He sounded weird, like his voice had cracked. I looked up, my vision still blurred but it didn’t need to be clear to recognise the shine of tears in his eyes. I felt something inside me break at the sight of his tears. I buried my head into his chest again and hugged him back this time as I let loose a fresh flood of tears.
“Saki, I’m sorry I didn’t notice how hurt you were.”
I shook my head against him, “I-I’m s-sorry.”
“It’s okay, Saki.”
I kept apologising to him as I cried a little longer. He kept telling me it’s okay. For every apology, he comforted me more times. And, I believed him.
I didn’t want him to be here, but he made me hate myself for wishing myself away from him. I didn’t know who was to nor what I was to him. I could never say that I’m the same as him, he was from a different world, he was human.
No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t be like him, but right now. Right at that cold, dark infested moment, he was the closest thing I had to family.
“Saki, mind if I tell you about my past”, he asked, his voice back to normal.
I couldn’t say anything in return. I wasn’t sure if I deserved to know. And, I’d only just stopped crying.
“I never knew my parents.” My heart stopped. I didn’t believe what I’d just heard. Slowly, I looked up at him and he wiped the tears from each of my eyes.
He had the same warm smile he always had, even as he told me something that might have saddened him. He smiled as he told me about growing up in the orphanage with nobody to call family except for the old lady that took care of all the kids in the orphanage. His eyes still shined with the same brilliance even as he told me about how he left there after not being adopted, living on his own and trying to make something for himself. His voice never wavered, not even once, even as he talked about how he had been alone.
“And you know, Saki. Not once did I feel like I’d seen the darkness in my life, I always thought that everything was colourful. At least, until I met her. Arya. She’s not like me though, she’s from a normal home. Father, mother, brother. But to me, she’s like my only family.”
“Kazoku?”
“Yes, Saki. She’s my family. I’ve never had one before her.” He smiled, like it didn’t bother him.
“Never?”
He nodded. “Yes, Saki. I was like you. I was alone.”
He looked forward, into the distant darkness. I didn’t understand what he meant, how could he be like me?
“Why…”
“Saki?” He looked at me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. “You can tell me anything Saki.”
I closed my eyes, feeling like looking away just wasn’t enough. “Why did you come for me?”
He sighed. “Saki, look at me.” Slowly, very hesitantly I looked at him to find him smiling at me with fresh tears in both his eyes. “Saki, didn’t I tell you? I will never abandon you. You are my family too.”
My chest hurt, but it felt good. It was pain that made me happy. I fell into him and held him tightly, I couldn’t reach all round him but I hugged him as tightly as I could. If I didn’t, I was going to cry again.
Nobody, not even before this, had ever called me their family.
It made me truly happy.
It really did, but I couldn’t accept it.
We weren’t alike. Kazami-san said it, I was an insect. I couldn’t be family with him. No matter how much I wanted to.
My grip loosened on him. He felt this and let me go, we both sat up straight on the seats and just stared out into the empty darkness. The same type of emptiness that existed inside of me.
“Want to go home yet”, he asked.
I shook my head. I knew I didn’t have a place there anymore, I had to tell him that. I just didn’t know how.
“Okay, Saki. I’ll wait for you.”
“Arigato”, I replied. I don’t know why those words came out when I didn’t want to go back with him, when I couldn’t go home with him.
My home was here on these dark streets.
“Saki, do you know what your name means?”
I looked at him, and shook my head. It was the first time he talked about my name.
He smiled then picked up a stick that was laying underneath the bench. It had probably fallen from one of the trees behind us. I looked at what he was doing and saw him writing something on the floor.
希
“Nande”, I asked him, not sure what it was that he wrote.
“This is how you write your name in kanji. It means blossom of hope, or just hope.” He sat upright and smiled down at me as I looked at what he just wrote. I wanted to memorise it, to learn how to write it on my own.
This was, after all, the name that he had given me.
“When I named you, I didn’t want it to be something that I had given you.” I looked at him as he spoke, “You see, Saki, hope is something that we can give to others or to ourselves. Your name, I gave it to you because I wanted you to create that ‘hope’ for yourself.”
He patted my head. The gentleness of it melted me.
I didn’t understand what he meant by my name being to give me hope. What hope did I have? I didn’t know, nor did I understand it.
But, I cherished this name. This name, it was my hope.
The hope that he had given me. Hope for a better future, for something that wouldn’t hurt.
And here I was, trying to run away from that same hope.
I hated myself. I hated myself for trying to leave him.
My hands shook as I tried to keep myself sitting upright without falling onto him.
“Saki, do you want to see my name?” His voice broke through the mess of my mind, bringing with it a clear view that left me knowing what I should do.
I nodded.
He wrote in the sand again.
Antonio Snow
He said it aloud for me to hear.
But I couldn’t get it right no matter how many times I tried.
He laughed although I felt embarrassed and upset. I wanted to say his name. But it was hard, very hard.
“A-ant … tio?”
He laughed again and said, “Very close, Saki.”
It was moments like this, even when learning difficult things like these that made me happy to be with him. “Gomen nasai.”
“It’s okay. Just call me Snow-san for now, okay?” He patted my head again.
I felt my cheeks get warm as I repeated his name to myself a couple of times.
Snow-san. I finally knew his name, I knew what to call him.
This man who knelt beside me the first day we met and put a plaster on my bleeding arm. Who took me for my first real meal in months and gave me a bath in his house. This man who looked after me, gave me a bed, warm clothes and tasty food every day. This man . . .who gave me my name. Snow-san.
“Arigato gozaimasu.” I whispered to him, hoping he would hear it, but also that he wouldn’t.
He didn’t treat me with hate. Although I made him run all the way here without shoes, he still held me, cried with me, and laughed with me.
I wanted to go home with him, but Kazami-san’s words came back to haunt me with a fierce glare of hate, “Insects don’t have family. Only humans do. And, an insect will never be human.”
The tears came back as I looked at his warm smile. He wasn’t looking at me, instead he looked ahead, like he always had his gaze set on the future. A future that I would drag him away from if I kept staying here with him. I wanted to apologise, even after all that he did, all he gave me. Even after coming all this way for me, I couldn’t go back with him.
I was only going to bring him pain.
And then, no matter how hard I tried to hold it back, the tears burst through and my body began to shake as I grabbed his hand and tried to apologise but failed.
“Saki? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” He immediately grabbed my shoulders and bent down to look at my ugly, crying face.
I shook my head, I wasn’t okay.
I really wasn’t. I was hurt, and I was sad. It felt like it hurt me everywhere, but nowhere at all.
He hugged me again, letting me wet his tee once more, not letting me go even as I sobbed harder. He held me tight and patted the side of my head in comfort.
When my sobs died down enough, I apologised to him. It was all I could do.
I was a cry baby, that was all I seemed to be doing tonight. I apologised again and again but I couldn’t say what for.
For crying so much.
For running away from him.
For him coming here without shoes and maybe hurting his feet.
For always causing him problems.
For being what I am.
Suddenly, he grabbed both my cheeks and pulled my face up to look at him. He wiped the tears from my face again and looked at me without a smile, but with a looking so caring and worried, it warmed even the cold breeze.
“Saki, come on now. Stop apologising. Just tell me what’s wrong?”
He let go off my face and instead held my shoulders to stop me from turning away from him.
My body was shaking, and I could feel my throat burning as my heart screamed at me and begged me not to run away again. Not to run away from him. Not to run away from his gaze. And, not to run away from his question.
“I don’t want to be an insect anymore!” My voice came out louder than I thought it would. I shouted it as loud as I could, begging for the world, no, the universe to hear me. I wanted to change, I wanted to be …
“Saki … you aren’t-”
“I want to be a human too!” There it is. I said it, as loud as I could. I cried my heart out for this one wish.
I want to be what Snow-san is.
I want to be his family too.
“Saki, you are a human.” This time it didn’t feel like he pulled me in. It was like he fell into me and hugged me with all the warmth he had. “You are human.”
I felt something wet fall onto my head, but I couldn’t look up to see his tears. He held me too tightly, so I lifted my arms and hugged him.
When he pulled away, I asked, “Snow-san, what is a human?”
He smiled at me, patted me on the head and said, “Let’s find out together.”
Then he woke up, lifted me onto his back and carried us both home.
To his home.
“No Saki, we are going to our home.” He corrected me.