Of Shadows and Darkness

Chapter 8

"We should be going soon right?" I said.

"Yeah," muttered Gregor and held my hand tighter.

He didn't move, so neither did I. The dim orange light and the gurgling sound of the lava lake was oddly calming. It felt like as long as we didn't move, we wouldn't have to deal with the rest of our problems. Which admittedly is probably the least healthy way of dealing with your problems.

"Why did choose to practice dark magic if it's not common in your realm?" asked Gregor.

"There wasn't really reason, I needed a hobby."

"Needed a hobby? Aren't hobbies meant to be fun?" chuckled Gregor.

"My hobby before was paper folding but that mutated into a coping mechanism," I muttered.

"How did that happen?" asked Gregor.

"I don't know- I guess...after the accident, Claire was in a really bad state and everything around was really chaotic and sad all the time. My anxiety was really bad- I had anxiety anyway but it got worse. It was a lot of can't breathe- can't think- heart racing-panic all the time. Then paper folding was something I used to make the thoughts quiet- so I could stop thinking. I know that sounds really weird," I said. Confessions spilled out of me like water from a broken bucket. "Sorry," I added for good measure.

Gregor didn't reply immediately. He paused, too long for it be out of respect, but not so long it became an awkward silence. "Tristan...I'm sorry. Are you- are you okay?" floundered Gregor. Confused condolences and sympathy is the only response I appreciate. The best response would be 'I completely understand, I have depression too. We should be depression buddies' but I wouldn't wish this kind of misery on anyone.

I laughed because any other reaction would ruin the mood. "Yeah. I'm fine now. All that was three years ago." Three years is a long time, but pain lingers and festers when it hasn't been dealt with properly. I was pretty sure my entire family had depression. You can't experience an accident, watch Claire become paralysed, watch her go through surgery, recovery, more surgery and then physiotherapy and be okay mentally. Claire was probably the worst off since she was the one who actually went through everything and was the most positive one of all of us. I was sure she was faking being happy all the time, but she's the only one of us who goes to therapy.

After the accident our lives revolved around Claire and her disability, her medication schedule, her doctor's appointments. I hated it, I hated Claire for it and I hated myself for hating her. I could never talk to anyone about my feelings- least of Claire and I tell Claire everything.

I moved a bit so I was half facing Gregor. We had definitely fallen into an awkward silence now. I changed the topic with a fake smile, "There is actually a funny story about my magic book. I was in my dad's office looking for scratch paper to make paper animals out of and then I found his magic- which is technically my magic book now. I asked him about it since I never knew he practiced magic. Apparently, his college girlfriend was an extreme pixie dream girl and she was constantly getting the two of them in trouble. One of things they did was steal the book from a library which was a crime because it was a magic book! How insane is that?"

Gregor snickered, "what did the library do?"

"I have no idea. But hopefully the statute of limitations are up for the crime since I don't plan of giving my magic book back," I replied.

"So you learned from the book then?" asked Gregor.

"Yeah. It was a lot of trial and error. There were a lot of spells and charms I couldn't do or couldn't figure out and shadow magic was the only thing that worked for me. I was terrible at sculpting the shadows in any way besides folding them into animals or simple shapes. The animation I learned from a friend but he practices light magic, so it was a miracle it worked with the shadows," I said. A smile grew on my face as I spoke.