the way i see things

epiphany

"I’m the one I should love in this world
Shining me, precious soul of mine
I finally realized so I love me
Not so perfect but so beautiful
I’m the one I should love"

i hate the way my body looks.
my big thighs wouldn't fit into the skinny jeans as i sat in the dressing room discriminating myself.
staying in the cubicle for 15 minutes, i stopped trying and gave out a cry.
if only i could try,
but harder.
deciding against the plan before i had to pay for a pair of jeans that do not fit me, i shimmied out of them and threw them to the ground in rage.
when did i become this way?
"too big for my age"?
i sat and cried on the bench that housed familiar articles of clothing.
i never wanted to see this place or the outside world again.
i stood in the mirror with bloodshot eyes and a red runny nose.
'great you look even worse'

back home, i decided i didn't need perfect skin if no one's going to see it anyways.

the blade whispered and ghosted my skin before diving in.
forty times.

my legs welled up a brilliant crimson before crying onto the bathroom floor.
the ugly green marble, soon a sanctuary for the gore.

204
1 year later

that's how many ugly scars dance on my skin, mocking me.
i still have trouble with self worth.
i will always continue to.
endless nights of bright red, stashed hydrogen peroxide, big bandages, and dirty bathroom floors came to an end.