AISLE | #wattys2019

ch1 :the guilt ,the pain and the sadness

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she used to reach for only them  to  help her rebuild her confidence and find her lost pieces and broken faith but now they are long gone and she's crawling under the skin of  pure darkness

she has been trying to reject this pain ,to let it slip in the back of her mind and be forgotten ,like the usual coward she was ,but this time was different beacuse she herself knew  more than the people and strangers  that kept giving her pitiful looks that the ache was real ,it was real and it was there at a full force

she kept hearing a soothing sound in the back of her mind ,whispering ever so calmly and lovingly that she wasn't alone ,that this was not  a final goodbye ,that she was still able to hold on to the shred of hope that disappeared with the agonising pain .

oh how she wishes she could believe that forgetting and moving on was an option

it was too late

the damage was done

she was broken

she was dead just like the bodies going to earth and being separated from her forever ,the only difference was that she was here suffering while they almost seemed relieved despite the white covering them ,this was ripping her living soul into halfs of nothing just to be buried with it ,death was never scary for her ,she never thought it was this painful nevertheless ,she never thought it was this traumatizing ,she never thought it was this heavy on a vulnerable single being ,it was slaughtering each and every living cell in her body ,it was a whole bloody war inside of her , one she was losing at that and she couldn't help it , she never  thought it was this merciless ,death was a beast that tainted her faith with pitch black darkness right now without hesitating ,now and just now it was more than scary

she was scared

she felt an arm on her shoulder in a pathetic failing attempt to ease the flooding emotions that kept racking within her ,that kept stabbing her on and on and on non-stop and she hoped more than anything that she could scream it out but nothing came ,nothing did work

she finally was able to focus her vision on her surroundings for the first time in two hours straight ,there was nothing in this world that could've prepared her for the realization that hit her staright  just afterwards

her family was being put to  earth ,five coffins were being engulfed by it ,she was never meant to see them again ,she was never to laugh with them again ,she was never to argue and fight and be sad because of them

this pushed all her senses to the edge and she didn't know what she was doing till two arms held her on the spot to prevent her from reaching them  ,she was instantly throwing punches or what seemed like ones ,she didn't care ,she wanted to be with them ,is that so wrong ? is that so forbidden ?  she forgot how to breathe ,she couldn't feel her heart beating anymore ,she couldn't think straight ,her legs felt wobbly and weak ,she fell to the ground on her knees the pain spreading instantly from the sudden contact with the floor but nothing compared to what she was going through

she hated the presence behind her that kept restraining her more than anything ,she loathed it to be honest but she couldn't shake it off  no matter how hard she tried to, so with a heart that was rotting with different dark emotions she watched as the funeral went on

did she say a proper goodbye to them ?

was she able to cry and tell them for once that she did love them deep down ?