The Hitch Hikers Guide to Great Britain

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Earth/Europe/Britain

This is what The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy has to say about Britain.

‘Britain is the conjoining of two land based islands in the north hemisphere of the planet earth (GALACTIC SECTOR ZZ9 PLURAL Z ALPHA) made up of four countries; England, Scotland and Wales and Northern Ireland. The country England is made up of wet hills and polluted cities. The residents of Britain are known to be English, Scottish, Welsh or Irish though all of them are British. The English humanoids tend to speak in a language named after themselves called ‘English’. The language was so popular that it was soon copied by other countries such as America. The ‘Americans’ decided they could change the odd word so they could name it after themselves, ‘American’.

Most English citizens like to drink tea and scones (pronounced differently between authorities.) If you want to stay in a British home, you need to find a lodger or find someone to stay with. You can find lodgers by looking in small shop windows. Here you will find papers advertising places to stay. If you are lucky enough to have a considerable amount of money, you can buy a house, but these are expensive and are only good for long term living. The English weather is usually wet and windy, with the occasional sunny day, so you will need an umbrella. An umbrella is a device which lets you stand in the rain without getting wet. At no point should you use a force field to protect yourself from the rain, as the humanoids are yet to discover it. The rain is not acidic but some have warned that it can melt houses.

The currency they use is known as the ‘pound’. This in no way indicates that the money will beat you up, but, if you try steal someone’s money they might give you a pound or you could pound somebody to steal their money. Some say this is the reason the name was given. The English use English ‘pounds’ and the Scottish use Scottish ‘pounds’. Northern Ireland also use the Irish ‘pound’ and the welsh use the welsh ‘pound’. Even though the currencies are identical, they still won’t allow it to be spent in the other countries. If you own a Scottish pound, the key is to get rid of it as quick as possible. If no stores will take it, you can: 1, Exchange it at a bank, or 2, tell a shop owner that you got the foreign money from there store in the first place.

One famous English delicacy is ‘Fish and Chips’. This is a fatty food that the English eat once a week. This is usually soaked in fat and vinegar until it destroys your insides. This is an especially fun way to die. In the Scottish region of Britain, they have another fried delicacy where they take a ‘Mars Bar’ (this has nothing to do with the planet, but for some reason humans make a sweet pudding sort of meal, wrapped in a plastic surprisingly flexible container, a ‘Mars Bar’) and fry it in batter. This is also very bad for you. The Scottish are also known for wearing no undergarments, which would be acceptable, if they weren’t wearing skirts with them. Never go out with a Scotsman in strong wind.

Britain has a ‘Royal Family’ who are simply a posh and rich family who have much power over the countries. The head of the family is known as the Queen. This is an old woman who doesn’t really do anything with much significance. Once a year, she will interrupt your family dinner by making a speech about how well she has done in the year. Some say that this is just to ensure Britain that she is still alive.

Britain celebrates a world-wide convenience called ‘Christmas’. This is when a large jolly fat man breaks into your house, steals your food, reads your mail and gives you presents. It is known for people to imitate this man, but never successfully. At dinner, the family stuffs themselves with food. The curious thing is that nobody likes half of the food left on the table. Even if nobody likes the small green vegetable ‘sprouts’ you still serve them because it Christmas.

Another celebration is ‘Easter’. Again, this is when a large bunny breaks into your house and hides eggs.

In conclusion, stay away from any British people. This is because all people from different parts of Britain have different accents. Some are impossible to understand. Some change the worlds completely. When a man calls you a ‘Geezer’, this is not rude. Also, when someone is saying, ‘Ey-Up’ this is just another friendly way to say hello.