This Is Not The End...

The Pain

These moments are really hard.

If its one of these events I am able to try to stay sane.

I feel like I'm going to throw up, I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm exhausted.

I tried to get through this. I managed to. Then the word "rape" was mentioned now it's all that appears to be on my mind.

I know people have had it worse, way worse. My events don't even take place so horrifically. I don't have physical scars.

I just get to spend my days shaking, crying, disociating.

I only ever told my partner of one of these events. The only ones at worse when all appear at once.

If i tell him he may be angry at me, he may not believe me. He will be angry within himself.

I felt as if I could use this to vent, then when shit is better... share it with him. Therefore I still told him of these events.

I cannot focus anymore. There are times I zone out in a flashback and next minute I'm trembling and being like "what the fuck just happened".

I am overwhelmed, over exhausted, over this.

I begin to feel the urge of doing all those I used to do.

Cutting, drinking. I find myself suicidal as hell again. Fighting my dumb brain to free me.

I am struggling. And this shit isn't even as bad.

I just wish I could help the one single person whom means the most.

Anyway, I am off...