This Is Not The End...

The Perspective of Spouses

People forget about the spouses that are dealing with their partner's mental health.
When people leave their told they're cruel but they don't know.

Do you know how it feels to be around negativity all the time?
Do you know how it feels to have to walk on eggshells constantly?
Do you know how it feels to get blamed for every little thing?

I love my partner with all my heart, they are my everything and I will do anything for them. I'm always there for them by their side. I've had moments when I can't take it anymore because it's gotten that toxic, that soul destroying but I stayed because I really just needed a moment for myself.

I got into this relationship knowing about past traumas and their diagnosis. I didn't know that it was going to become what it has, I have had to give up so much things in order to keep this person.

It's lonely, I often sit and cry because I am THAT alone. I'm in a relationship with someone thar I love but there is no love from them, I'm the one trying to make it work. I have to keep my own hurt, my own issues to myself because well they're going through a lot and they cannot give support.

Well, I can rely on friends right? Wrong, because then that brings issues. That leads to cheating accusations, arguments, making them feel less important so I gave it up.
My family is not supportive because I should just leave, but I also grew up in a toxic home therefore no love or support. I have no one but them, but I have to use all my energy to being there for them.

I have to deal with a loveless, supportless relationship because they have bigger demons to fry. Myself I have my own struggles, I got them from my own childhood and I have bad weeks, months, days, years as well but if I'm not positive that means there is no hope so instead I have to pretend to be strong.

Instead, us partners are painted in horrific light. Why? Because it can be too much, because we are human and need a break sometimes, because it gets too toxic and harmful but all that is overlooked. Yes, we are merely outsiders looking in. We are seeing the reactions to these demons, we are fighting these demons with them everyday but when we no longer can cope its because we are horrible people.

We don't leave because we don't care, or don't love them but we leave because its taken a whole lot of damage, its broken us to the point of no return. We leave because there is no choice, no matter what we do its never enough so instead we put all our dedication to keeping them alive that it kills us, poisons us.

Bad mental health is not pretty, it is not just a few hiccups or needing a little reassurance, or holding them while they cry instead its fighting the knife off them while trying to hold it together. Its trying to hold them down, Its not being able to leave the house because if you do an attempt may occur, its not knowing what's behind that closed door.

Its worse for them, I know that but its living in constant negativity, fear, terror and toxicity but people neglect that.

Instead of tearing us down how about you give us some words of hope, let us know that things will be okay and give us reassurance because in this process we no longer exist as we keep loosing ourselves.

I am in love with them, it has been my greatest joy to be apart of their life but sometimes I just need my partner to hold me and reassure me as well... instead I dedicate all my energy into making sure things will work out.

Me as a person, I can be loud and I just try to have fun because I'm so over being down. I laugh, I try to make others laugh, I try to make them smile but if I laugh "too much" my partner gets paranoid, if I smile "too much" again paranoid... I feel like I'm in a constant battle trying to prove my worth to this person and I'm not even getting a hug.