~*Trigger Warning* Don't read if you are easily triggered by depression. ~
How can one word change a person so much. And how can that person focus on that one word so intensely.
When TJ turned 13 he thought that everything would be fine. Sure he had some problems in his life, but it was nothing that he couldn't handle. That was until he got diagnosed with dyscalculia, a form of math dyslexia. For awhile he felt like some things didn't make sense in his head. Then when the doctor uttered that word he felt his life shatter. Like suddenly he was broken. That feeling never really went away, but no one needed to know that.
Ever since TJ was old enough to know what he was feeling he didn't quite know how he felt. What he knew was that he thought that girls were attractive, but every once in a while he would think about a guy in that way. In his head he would wonder 'am I gay or am I straight?'
One night when TJ was talking to his mom before they both went to sleep his mom asked the million dollar question, "TJ do you think that you are straight or gay?" TJ's mom has always told him that it didn't matter who he loved as long as they loved him, treated him right, and that he was happy.
Since He had know clue as to what he was he just responded with, "Honestly who know at my age." He knew that was a bullshit answer, but he just didn't know. Well at least until one of his best friends came out to him at the spoon. Peyton got TJ his extra mayo for his chicken sandwich and simply said, "I wanted to tell you guys that I am Gay." Everyone was very supportive of Peyton and their sexuality.
Later that day TJ and Peyton were talking at TJ's house when the somewhat sore subject for TJ came up. "What do you think people would say if I came out at something?" asked TJ.
"Oh when I first met you I got the feeling you were Bisexual," Peyton said. TJ was shooked. How did someone else know what his sexuality was before even he knew. It was at that point that TJ knew he was Bisexual. And that was okay. Of course he was nervous to tell people, but it made him feel a little less broken because final he knew that what he felt was okay. Maybe even a little normal.
TJ felt like he always had to be okay for everyone. He had a guard up at all times. Sometimes he would be a jerk or sometimes he would just be "happy".
Something that was just simply a part of TJ was that he was always crying. If he was laughing he was crying. IF he was sad he cried, if he was mad he cried, even when was "happy" he cried. It wasn't always streams of tears, but more often just a consent tear or two shed. But that didn't mean anything it just meant that he was sensitive.
He also used humor as a defence. If he said something that he thought would make someone uncomfortable he would laugh it off. If he said something that made him hurt, or sad, or angry he would smile or laugh when he said it. It wasn't because he thought it would help him, but rather others. It got to a point that when he cried because things felt wrong, which they often did, he would laugh hysterically. But that was normal too. Right?
In 3rd period TJ felt like he could speak his mind. Like he wasn't alone. Like his thoughts were okay. So he told his 3rd period group almost everything. It was the one good thing about his day. Then his thoughts started to get more and more dark. He finally started to accept the fact that he had anxiety. For him it felt like his abdominal cavity was completely empty, and like the bones in his arms felt wrong. And he felt lost like he didn't know what he was supposed to do.
The worst part of it was that his parents didn't believe him when he said that he felt, wrong. His mom i guess didn't think that therapy was thing. And his dad was in a similar boat. I guess they think that if you go they will automatically put you on medication that will change you. Or maybe they want to blame it on being a teenager. However TJ knew that this feeling was just not normal.
More and more he would feel something else too. He would feel empty. He would see a meal that he was really looking forward to eating and suddenly have no appetite. He would see his best friend, Cyrus, and not want to talk to him or even walk next to him. He would feel like he wasn't truly happy, but rather putting on a mask for others.
And sometimes he even thought that it would be easier if he were dead. It wasn't like he wanted to die or would actively do anything to die, but if he did die all his problems would be gone. You know because he would be dead. But he knew that dieing would end his troubles, but would create so many new ones for everyone that he loved. Everyone that he tried so hard to protect.
He would feel this way on and off for weeks at a time. But it wasn't like he was depressed, because this feeling wasn't constant. At least that is what he thought until he told his 3rd period class about this feeling. A girl that he sat with told him that he wasn't alone and that she felt the same. It made him feel so good that he wasn't the only one feeling this way. His teacher and some other kids at his table told him that he is probably depressed.
He didn't believe them until they told him to take a test to give him a reality check. And he did. He answered each question carefully and truthfully. As he was taking the test he realized that i'm crying constantly wasn't normal, or that when he faked happiness that wasn't normal either. Then when he submitted the test it said something that shooked him to the core. Damn why did people have to know things about him before he knew.
It said, "You reported that you have suicidal thoughts. You need to get immediate help. Call 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or "911" or go to your local hospital emergency room for a complete evaluation."
He slide the laptop to the girl next to him and started laughing hysterically and crying. And not even like his normal one or two tears he was violently crying. He went to go get a tissue when he started to hyperventilate. He knew that he was going to have a panic attack if he didnt start to breathe normally. So he stopped laughing and crying slightly less. The bell had already rung and he had math next. He had to go to class and fast.
"Okay I am fine. I need to go to math now." His teacher refused to let him leave her class until he calmed down. She offered to write a note or walk him into his next class if he needed to stay. He said no and looked at the clock. He still had 4 minutes until math started. His teacher asked if she could talk to his or the girl's parents. TJ had said no sternly because his mom would just worry and she did not need that right now. So he calmed down and went to Math, but before he left his teacher said that she would be there if they needed anything or anyone.
So TJ tear stained cheeks and puffy red eyes went to Math like nothing was wrong at all. But something was wrong because he was Depressed. His hands were shaking and he couldn't keep his knee from bouncing. But why did that one word effect him so much? The other part of him affected him, but not to this level. That put him in an almost comatose state for the rest of the day.
As he was walking to the bus he ran into Cyrus. At that moment he noticed that there were only three times that he was truly happy. When we wasn't putting one a show for anyone when he cold just be himself. He could be happy. Those three time were when he was with Cyrus, his first true friend, when he watched his favorite TJ show, or Youtuber, or when he was reading.
So TJ had to accept that he was depressed. And maybe soon he could open up to enough people, and get more help. But he just wasn't there yet and that is okay because he had his 3rd period class and if he felt like it got too bad he could ask his teacher for help.
~Sorry for being MIA recently, but i have been feeling like TJ recently.~
!Important message! You can get help don't feel alone please Call 1-800-273-8255 (TALK) or "911" or go to your local hospital emergency room for a complete evaluation.
~Love Talia
