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I laid in Von bed waiting up for him to come back home. For some reason I couldn't go to sleep I guess I just need to know he's okay. My mind started wondering everywhere; taking me back to childhood moments. I had a really fucked up childhood. Me and my mom was close right before she died but the beginning of my childhood was terrible. I was molested. My mom beat me and I was picked on for looking like a little boy. Growing up my mom had so much hate towards me after my dad left us. She said I looked just like him and every time she looked at me it sparked something in her that caused her to beat me. She used to beat me from the age 5 to 13. My mom stopped once her ex boyfriend started beating on her. I guess she seen what it felt like. We went to therapy afterwards and she apologized she poured her whole heart out to me. I was only 13 so at the time I didn't understand but I do know. I forgave her that's my mother I couldn't hold a grudge with her. From then on she promised to protect me and never hurt me again. I can say she kept her promise. I never blamed her for being molested by her sick boyfriend. She didn't know about it and and I know if she probably did she would've protected me. Most people would say I was stupid for forgiving my mom but honestly that was the best thing I ever did we got so close after I forgave her for her wrong doings. I never told her about anything that I know she'd overreact about though. Like being bullied at school; I didn't tell anyone. I hated boys for a while really until I met Von. For one because my step dad sexually assaulted me, then it's these boys at school verbally assaulting me. It was too much too handle. Multiple time I've tried committing suicide. I used to have this voice in my head always telling me just do it, just kill yourself you'd be so much better. No pain and no bullying. I don't know why but right now I'm getting that same feeling that I was getting those years back. It was just something telling me to grab a pill bottle a shoved all the pills in the bottle down my throat. Sometime I do feel like my life doesn't matter. I went to college and to pay for it I let men feel all over my body just for all the jobs to turn me down and belittle me. The real reason I want to leave this world though is because I'm worthless. I can't even have kids what's the point of a women on this earth if she can't conceive children. That's the whole point of God making humans so they can produce more. If I can't have children it's pointless of me being here on this Earth. I just wanna be loved how I loved my mother growing up. Despite the pain she caused for me at a early age I still loved her and still wanted to see her happy. I want that type of love that no matter what you love them. I would never put my child through half the things I went through. I wanna show a child the love I was never shown during adolescence. I still haven't told Von about me not being able to conceive. I told the others not to tell him cause I wanted to. I haven't said anything because I didn't know how to break it down to him. Me and Dayvon did talk about having children he said he always wanted a girl. I myself want a daughter too. It's actually hard to find a man who wants to have a daughter from the get. Most men want to have a mini them running around. Dayvon wants a daughter so he can treat her like a princess. He wants to give her the life most young girls wish for. I find it so sweet. Dayvon is truly the man of my dreams. I wonder if he'll still love me when he finds out I can't give him that little girl he's always wanted. Feeling tears cascade down my cheeks I get up out the bed. Going into the kitchen I grab a knife. Contemplating on if I want to end my life right now here in the home of the man I love I began cutting through my skin. Starting with my wrist I make small slices. Not having the balls to actually slit my wrist I'm hoping something happens that makes me just do. Hearing he door slam I continued on the kitchen floor cutting myself. Seeing Dayvon come into Eye View he quickly run towards me.
