Husband Material

The Shower

I was still wearing my pink piggy pyjamas when I opened the door on the Sunday morning of the wedding shower. I was blearily wiping sleep from my eyes until I noticed that standing there was a man wearing a UPS uniform holding out a package. "Yes!" I exclaimed, taking it from him, "I didn't think it would get here on time!"

"There was a small delay with the delivery," The UPS guy said, holding out the tablet for me to sign off on. "Our sincere apologies." He tipped his ball cap to me and left.

I closed the door with my foot and hurriedly carried the package over to the kitchen table.

"What's that?" asked Vanessa, who had just stumbled out of her bedroom, I suppose waking up to the doorbell.

"The wedding gift," I replied excitedly, hurrying over to the fridge to grab a pair of scissors from the top.

"The wedding gift...that is for the wedding shower that is...today?" she inquired.

"Yes...I know," I acknowledged embarrassedly.

"Talk about leaving it until the last minute," she muttered under her breath.

I grinned sheepishly, and began cutting through the thick tape.

"So what did you get them?" she asked lightly, making her way over to the cupboard to grab some cereal for breakfast.

"Oh," I started, without even looking up from my task, "I got them this really high quality blender. Both of them are really into smoothies and protein shakes. Anyway, I made them a card that says 'you two blend perfectly together." I finally unraveled the packing tape and peeled back the cardboard flaps. I reached inside and pulled out the gift. I studied it, confused. "I don't even know what this is supposed to be..."

Nessa joined me, looking over my shoulder. She suddenly began laughing.

"What?" I demanded, "do you know what it is?"

"Yes," she snickered, "it's a bidet."

"A bidet? What's that?"

"Think fancy european toilets," she explained between guffaws.

I furrowed my brow, but then understood. "You mean for cleaning-"

"Yes," she began laughing again.

I dropped my head into my hands, "No, no, no," I moaned. "This is what I get for online shopping at the last minute."

We both stared at the contraption hopelessly. I smiled, thinking, "They would find it funny if I explained the story. Nick and Mia are like that."

"Then just give it to them, explain the situation and then get them a better gift later," Nessa suggested.

"Under normal circumstances, I would," I admitted. "But I've been planning out this shower with Ethel, you know, the grandmother, and she's already told me all her opinions on what a real wedding shower should be like. She's the kind of person that gives people a crystal set for their wedding, nevermind the fact that no one needs a crystal set."

"But does it really matter what she thinks? It's not her wedding."

"Trust me," I said tiredly, "it matters. She would hardly have approved of the blender as a gift, not to mention giving a gag gift like a bidet, or whatever you call it."

She shrugged, looking sympathetic. "Do you have time to go shopping for something else?"

"Not unless I want to be late," I checked the time on my phone. I scrambled to my feet once I noticed the hour. "or should I say later than I already am!" I began rushing towards the bathroom. I hadn't showered yet, or eaten breakfast, or even laid out my outfit.