Sincerely, Noir

Entry 2: Gratitude

Hey diary,

I've lit yet another match today, and it seems my finger has almost grown accustomed to the burning sensation. It's rather callous, and well, it's sort of unfortunate considering it was a habit of mine that grew to be a reminder of my feelings, and that I do hurt.

As much as I hate to admit it, I think I'll have to go back to reminding myself on sticky notes that I'll end up posting on my walls again. I just fear that Aunt May will barge in one day and, well...fear me, and that's the last thing I'd ever want. It's hard enough knowing that she doesn't trust Spider-Man for killing the monster who almost killed her. It hurts to dwell upon considering she is the one person I have left to protect, but she doesn't want Spider-Man to do that. I forgave her long ago. It's not her fault that she's grown stubborn with age. Still, I would like some sort of redemption from everything.

To be fair, I have my friends from their respective dimensions. I think about them daily, as you know by now. They have lived my battle, in their own way of course, so there's no need for any explanation. They just...understand me. I had a brief talk with Peter just outside of Miles' dorm regarding his final decision to sacrifice himself and keep Miles safe, as well as get us all back home. I was rather frustrated at first because I solely believed that Peter was making a bigger decision than he had realized; and Miles - that poor kid. He just wanted resolution, not only for himself, but for us. He felt he was to blame for everything, and he assumed his only way out was through revenge.

But I looked to Gwen, then Peni, and lastly Ham. And as unsettling as the atmosphere was, we all knew a decision had to be made. I started to feel an overwhelming amount of empathy overcome me - the kind I had felt for Robbie after visiting him in the hospital. I had just met them, and yet, I couldn't dwell upon losing any of them - I had already lost Robbie. And MJ had grown apart from me. I felt for Gwen, too. She also had just met Peter, but she was all too familiar with losing her friend. Peter B. and I were walking reminders of who her Peter could have been...

I think that particular conversation changed my life. And I'm forever grateful for them because I've been much more careful with my words and decisions lately. I get that my obstacles are a gum in the works, and boy do I feel tested at times. But, my friends have put me back on the path to moral clarity. I still struggle with feelings and how to portray them correctly, but I live comfortably in the knowledge that they understand regardless. I just wish Robbie and MJ could have shared my fate.

Anyway, I should probably get some shut eye. I have a long day of vigilante work to get to tomorrow. I'll write to you later, Diary - hopefully on a happier note. 'Till next time.