She remembered thinking that she should be nervous, that her hands should be shaking, her voice should be quavering, her mind should be unsure. But she was not. Far from it, in fact. She had never been more sure of anything in her world, she had been preparing for this silently for her whole life with...out even knowing it. From the moment she had first caught a glimpse of the shadow world, she knew it was her home. So, when she took the Mortal Cup in her hands, they were steady. When the first runes were inked on to her skin, she was calm. When she finally ascended, she was ready.
She could draw most runes on herself confidently now, the stele feeling almost like an extension of her arm as it ministered gracefully the defining marks of a shadowhunter. She still couldn't quite believe that she was here, in the Institute, training not as a mortal but as a shadowhunter. The status of shadowhunter had always seemed so hopelessly out of reach to her, she could only stand by as they went out and risked their lives and she could only step in when the dishes needed clearing it seemed. They had praised her for her ability to see, to see them, to see the world in which they belonged. But they did not know how she yearned to be a part of that world, how tormenting it was to stand only on the fringes as if she was behind a pane of glass. An invisible degree of separation. Sometimes she wished she could not see any of it at all, maybe she was better blissfully unaware, but she knew she could never have it differently. But all that was better for her now, she guessed. She was stronger, harder and more grateful for it. She was prepared to be a shadowhunter.
At first, it had been hard to get used to, the feeling of finally belonging. It felt strange not having that emptiness weighing on her mind. They say that you don't realise that a part of you is missing until it is filled but she always felt like it was the other way round, she had a part missing and the hole it left was growing bigger every day. She had always thought that the only way to fill this hole was to become a shadowhunter, but she was wrong. It had begun to fill before that, almost without her noticing. It had filled because of Gideon. She realised now that even when she became a shadowhunter, that hole would have not filled completely, not without Gideon by her side. He had erased the thing that had always been holding her back, her fear of being betrayed, hurt beyond healing, her inability to fully trust. She loved him more everyday as they realised how much they brought out the light in each other, how they made each other better, how much they really needed one another.
She would always love him, she knew that as well as she knew her own name. She would love him till her life on this world ceased to be. And she knew he would always love her. That made her happier than words can say.
