If Only

1.

- TWO WEEKS EARLIER -

"Yes, Nan, I'm leaving soon. I just have to say a few goodbyes." I promise my Grandmother over the phone before glancing back at the tiny stick on my desk. My hands are shaking and my voice has to sound off, but my Nan doesn't seem to notice and continues to ramble on into the phone.

I have to tell him before I leave. It's going to be a long Summer, but we have to figure this out soon. There's so much to figure out, but we can do it. I know we can. I'm a planner. I have a plan for everything and I've got to have a plan for this. Soon.

"Okay, honey. Be careful." My grandmother's words distract me.

"Always am. Love you." I say all too quickly before hanging up and tossing my phone on my now sheet-less bed. The room was nearly empty and I'd already loaded my boxes into the car.

He should be here any minute. My hands before shaky as I snatch the test from my desk. The door handle jigles and I take a deep breath. I shouldn't be this nervous. It's not ideal, but I know he'll stand by me.

The door creaks open and I let out a breath when I see my roommate.

"Brittany, you haven't left yet?" I ask her, curious as to why she's back in the dorm. She'd left a little over an hour ago to go home for the Summer.

She plops down onto her sheet-less bed and sighs. "I was but there's an accident on the main road in front of the college and it looks like it's going to be closed for the next few hours. Traffic is backed up and there's no other way around."

Well, there goes my plans to head home this afternoon. I better call Nan before she freaks out when I'm not there in exactly two hours and thirty minutes.

"Dang, I was just fixing to leave, too." I sigh. Oh well, I guess that leaves me a little more time to say goodbye to Jace. And tell him the news. I feel bad telling him right as we both leave, but, we only live an hour away from each other. And of course, there's FaceTime.

"Um, what's that?" Brittany asks, her eyes traveling to the stick in my hand and she sits up quickly. "Are you.."

I gasp and toss the thing into the trash. I forgot that I was still holding it, but I wasn't expecting Brittany to walk through that door. I was expecting Jace.

"Uh, yeah, kind of." I instinctively place my hand on my flat stomach as I answer the question.

"Oh my god! It's Jace's, right?" Brittany consumes the information and is suddenly on her feet. I'm appalled that she would even ask if it was Jace's.

"Of course it is!" I snap and walk away from her. Why would she even ask that? Jace is the only boy I'd even been with since I started here almost two years ago. I wasn't even interested in dating when I started. I was focused solely on my education. And that worked for the whole first year.

"Oh, Stell, I'm sorry." Brittany sighs and follows behind me. "I didn't mean it like that. I guess, I guess I was just shocked." She explains to me.

Of course she was shocked, I was shocked, myself. I'm not this girl. I'm not the girl that gets pregnant in College. But I'm also not the girl that gives up and drops out. I won't let that be my faith.

Almost as if she can read my mind, Brittany says, "What are you going to do?"

I look at her with tear filled eyes and whisper, "I don't know yet." My best friend embraces me in a hug and I wrap my arms around her so tightly. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without her.

She pulls away and gives me a smile. "Well, it's just us for a few hours, it seems."

"Actually, I'm waiting on Jace to come by. I was going to tell him before we both leave." I explain to her and she nods, understanding.

"So, do you want me to go? I can go find something to do for the next few hours." She offers and I shake my head. I won't ask her to leave. Plus, she'll be moral support and help me not chicken out when it comes to telling Jace.

"Stay. I may need your help." I give her a soft smile, in which she returns.

I pick up my phone from the bed and glance at the time. Jace should be here any minute. It doesn't take long to get from his dorms across campus to mine and it's been half an hour since we got off the phone.

My nervousness kicks back in and before I know it, I'm pacing the floors, waiting for that door to open and Jace to appear. I haven't thought much about what I'm going too say. I know he's not gonna be angry or upset, but not necessarily over the moon excited either. In time, I'm sure we'll grow happy but right now I just want to throw up.

That's just probably a side effect, though.

"Stella, come on. You're making me nervous." Brittany laughs lightly and pulls me over to sit on the bed. We sit in silence for a while until Brittany finally speaks up.

"How far along?" She asks.

I've gone over this too many times in my head to have not reached the answer. I've known for two weeks now, but I'd missed my period three weeks prior to that and was too busy with finals coming up to really notice. When I went to the walk in clinic on campus and took the test two weeks ago, it sank in.

"Almost six weeks, I'm guessing. I haven't been to the doctor yet. I took an at home test and then went to the clinic when that came out positive." My voice is low, almost a whisper. Brittany watches me carefully and I can tell she doesn't know what else to say.

"Have you told anyone else? Your Nan?"

I shake my head quickly to this question. That is what I'm really terrified of. After my mom passed, it was my Grandmother's responsibility to take care of me and she always pushed me to be the best I can be and pursue my dreams. She insisted I go to the huge school knowing she couldn't afford it. This is going to disappoint her and I'm scared of that.

I look at my phone again and it's now been an hour since Jace & I spoke. Why has it taken so long?

Suddenly there is a pounding on the door and I jump up. Why would Jace be pounding on the door? He always walks right in.

I make my way to the door and open it to reveal Candace, the R.A. Of the dorm Brittany & I live in. Her face is completely blank and I could instantly tell there was something wrong. Candace is always so chipper and talkative.

"Hey, Candace. What's up?" Brittany asks as she joins me at the door.

"Stella... Campus security just informed us. The accident, it was Jace. He didn't....."

The next words that come out of Candace's mouth are rushed. My head starts spinning and I can see Candace speaking but no words are coming out. All I keep hearing is Jace's name.

Jace.

Jace.

At some point I must have fallen to the ground because Brittany is wrapping her arms around me and pulling me up to my feet. Her mouth is moving but I still can't hear the words.

Something wet is soaking my face. I'm crying. But I don't feel it. I don't feel anything. Everything is so numb.

Because Jace is gone.

That accident that prevented Brittany from going home.

The reason he didn't show up.

It was because he was in the accident.

And now he's gone.

——-

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