If Only

2.

- PRESENT DAY -

"Stella, dear, it's time to get up." I can hear my Nan's voice and when I pry my eyes open, they're pierced by the sunlight poking through my yellow floral curtains. When my eyes meet my Nan's, I'm presented with a look of worry on her face. This can't be easy for her, either. The last two weeks have been hell.

I've barely eaten. I haven't moved from my bed. I'm pretty sure I'm in the same pair of fluffy pajama pants and t-shirt since I've been here. I haven't even showered. If I'm being completely honest, I don't even remember getting home. Either Brittany drove me or my Nan picked me up, I'm sure.

As I sit up, my hand flies to my aching head. "Here, sweetie. I brought you some water." My Nan is shoving a bottle of water in my hand and I quickly down it. I hadn't realized how dry my throat was.

"Now, I got you a doctor's appointment scheduled. We're also going to see about getting you into a therapist and on some anti-depressants." My Nan is now going through my dresser and handing me a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. "Go shower."

Doctor's appointment? Does she know? She couldn't. I haven't spoken a word since. "Nan," my voice comes out hoarse. She takes a look at me and sighs.

"I know, dear. We'll talk about it later." And with that, she's gone. I'm left alone in my room again with nothing but my thoughts.

When I stand up, my legs are like jello. I hobble to my bathroom and turn the shower on the highest heat possible, hoping that it will was away the pain.

The water burns as it rolls down my back, but I can barely feel it. I bring my hands to my stomach, which to my surprise, is slightly plump. Not enough for an outsider to notice, but enough for me to notice on my own body.

How am I going to do this? How could I raise Jace & I's baby without him? On my own? I can't. I simply can't. This, I've already decided.

I must be in the shower too long because my Nan begins to pound on the bathroom door, asking if I am okay.

I quickly wash my dry, matted hair and run a loofa over my body before stepping out of the shower.

Once dressed, I run a brush through my wet hair and decide to wear it up in a high ponytail. I definitely don't feel like putting effort into it.

When I finish, I decide to make my way to the kitchen. My stomach is twisting and I'm pretty sure I haven't ate anything in days.

"There you are. Your appointment is in 45 minutes." My Nan tells me and picks up her purse. "We better get going now if we want to get there on time." I quietly grab a Pop Tart and follow her out the door.

I seem to inhale the Pop Tart before we even leave the driveway. I hadn't realized how hungry I was. What was the last thing I ate?

"I've got you an appointment with a Psychiatrist first and then we'll go to the ObGyn. We need to make sure you're healthy and stay that way throughout the pregnancy." My Nan's voice is low. She won't look my way, and I know it's not just because she is driving.

I have to say something. Now.

"I don't want to." I manage to croak. My voice is still hoarse, but I know my Nan heard me, judging by the look on her face.

"You don't want to what?" She snaps. My Nan has never treated me this way and it hurts. We've always been so close.

"I don't need to go to the ObGyn." I say, being more specific this time.

"And why not?" My Nan asks as we pull into the parking lot of the Psychiatrist's office.

This is the same Psychiatrist I went to when my parents died when I was 9. I haven't been since I was 16.

"Because I'm not having a baby." I state. "I can't do it alone and go to school. Not to mention the pain I'm already going through losing... him." I can't even bring myself to say his name. It hurts to much.

My Nan shakes her head violently. "Absolutely not, Stella. Abortion is not an option. You made the decision to go and get yourself pregnant. You have to deal with the consequences now."

I'm so frustrated and tears begin to well up in my eyes. "I can't, Nan! I can't have his baby without him!" One mention of him and tears are steadily falling down my face. "I can't. And I won't. I'm sorry, Nan."

With that, I exit the car and make my way into the Psychiatrist's office.

I've seen Dr. Johnson before, and I feel like I could use him more now than ever.

-

After speaking to Dr. Johnson, I do feel a lot better now. I've made arrangements to see him twice a week, indefinitely.

The ride back to my house with Nan is quiet. She hasn't spoken to me since I told her my decision.

That hasn't changed. Dr. Johnson told me to not make any irrational decisions, but this isn't irrational. It's logical. It's my only option. I can't be a single mother and finish school. There's no way.

Before, I though Jace & I could work together. We could both help out and still go to school.

But now..

Now that's out the window.

Regardless, I'm 20 years old. I'm old enough to make this decision for myself. I am going to do this. My Nan can't stop me. I'm gonna hate disappointing her, but she'll understand in time.

Once we get back home, I go straight to my room and text Brittany. I've not heard from her since... everything. And I could really use some support right now.

She immediately texts back and agrees to come down tomorrow to go to the clinic with me.

Thankfully I have some support from her. I'm sure she doesn't necessarily agree, but she understands.

It's going to be hard, but I know I have to do what's best for me now.

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