ex nihilo | fyodor dostoyevsky x reader

ʜᴇꜱɪᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ

Hesitation

ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴡᴀꜱ ɪᴛ, ʙᴜᴛ ᴀ ᴡᴀʏ ᴛᴏ ᴄʜᴀꜱᴇ ᴏꜰꜰ ᴘʟᴇᴀꜱᴜʀᴇ, ᴛʜᴜꜱ ʙʀɪɴɢ ɪɴ ʀᴇɢʀᴇᴛ? ɪ ᴋɴᴇᴡ ʙᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ ᴛʜᴀɴ ᴛᴏ ʜᴇꜱɪᴛᴀᴛᴇ. ɪꜰ ɪ'ᴍ ꜰᴀꜱᴛ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ, ɪ ᴍɪɢʜᴛ ᴀꜱ ᴡᴇʟʟ ᴀᴠᴏɪᴅ ʜᴀʀᴅ ꜰᴇᴇʟɪɴɢꜱ. ᴄᴀʟʟ ᴍᴇ ʀᴇᴄᴋʟᴇꜱꜱ, ɪ'ᴍ ᴊᴜꜱᴛ ʟɪᴠɪɴɢ ᴍʏ ᴏɴʟʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴡᴀʏ ɪ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ɪᴛ. ᴡɪᴛʜ ɴᴏ ʀᴇɢʀᴇᴛꜱ.

. . .

His words forced you to blush, back away even, and in no time, common sense returned. That harshness... you didn't expect it to be this outward. For a faint moment there, you were unpleasantly afraid, no longer aroused. What a forceful way to snap back to reality.

The look in his eyes was ghastly. He had something going on in his mind, something terrible. And this, this is what excited you? The line between fear and arousal truly was thin, perhaps even nonexistent.

All you wanted at that moment was to turn back time, slap your past self, yell into your face: "No! Keep your mouth shut and let him go!" because you indeed were reckless. You presented yourself as a lewd woman, didn't you? You truly had no respect for your very self, let alone him. What were you hoping for...? To use sex as a way to strengthen the relationship? Sure, it worked sometimes, even among more civilized people, but... 

You couldn't care less about what happened to you. It was only the impression that mattered at this point. Being on your own was far worse than committing yourself to anyone - and life itself hadn't presented you much depth, so why not try to make it interesting, bring in some pleasure, some challenge, uncertainty? By stepping into a reckless relationship with him? Yes, this went against your conscience, perhaps even clashed with your morals, but you didn't feel too wrong. You had done so before, and it proved to be quite... fruitful to your experience.

The question remained, though, if Fyodor was worth it. And, well, your intuition screamed positively. If anything could go wrong, it wouldn't be too late to run away. Right? You could burn him at any instant with your ability. Right?

Yet the present wasn't up to you. He could kill you with a single touch of his, and you allowed him to get near you in the first place. He had you at his disposal - and the harsh reality was, that he could in fact rape you right there. Yes! Another terrifying option to your already terrified self. It made everything far more interesting. 

If only you hadn't chosen to dance with the Devil, everything would be so much better. Regret all you want, he was still there, moving closer in the milliseconds before your damnation.

And at the peak of your crazed waiting, in the scarce darkness of the hallway, he kissed you.

Were these truly his lips that found their way to yours? That... soft sensation, it was a blessing to your senses. And it was strangely gentle, strangely short and shy. At that very instant, you were unable to kiss back from shock - you surely didn't expect this. You remained stoic, frozen under his touch, senses focused solely onto it.

It was a tender landing, and a moment later, your skin was left alone, warm from timidness and proximity.

How contradictory to that previous statement of his. You could only guess how.

"There it was... I had to check your morals," he whispered against your lips, "and to know that in a person as deep and complex as you, some remain... well, that's quite rare. But... there are some other things I must do to you now." You shivered, his words sparkling fear inside you. It was the anticipation, of course, the one that strained your nerves once again. And again, you loved this game he was playing. So - he noticed your hesitation. Maybe you even made it evident you didn't feel perfectly comfortable? Who knew.