ex nihilo | fyodor dostoyevsky x reader

Final A/N

Hello! An unexpected update, isn't it?

In short: I will be deleting Ex Nihilo in a month or so, and will also orphan or delete it on AO3.

As for the long version of the announcement... I am not comfortable with this book. The explanation is hefty.

To start off, I was hypersexual. I in no way say that this is bad, but to me, it was a continuation of other issues in my life and it absolutely wrecked me. Of course, it didn't stop at continual and obsessive thoughts. I once almost hooked up with a guy who turned out to be a rapist, and though the situation was evaded, I am still terrified of the fact it was entirely my (wow) horniness that made do that and similar things. The best thing about this crazy story? The rapist looks like Fyodor.

In other words, please, take care. Don't let your hormones do things you will regret. Think things through. There are some consequences you can't ignore.

Ex Nihilo was being written at the peak of this desperate period, something you may connect with the MC's behavior; I am now far better. Last year I came out as aroace (or at least I'm on the aspec!) and have never felt more comfortable with myself. I still have a high libido, making for a complicated relationship with my sexuality. But it is a relationship nevertheless. I didn't have one before.

Then there is the fact this book was, as a whole, written as a vent. Not only for the hypersexual part, but my life and trauma as a whole. I didn't realize how bad it was until, some weeks ago, I read an entry from a journal I kept in that period. It said that I used to cry every few days and that I'd cry while showering so that I could do it in peace. I read that and went - what the Hell! I forgot it was that bad. I also found a little Fyodor sketch in the journal! Cute.

And also, yes, another connection with the MC. The amnesia. Feelings with no memories.

So, it was a dark period and I've grown and healed so much since then. Paradoxically, my old self would be scared of the present me. The INTJ to ENTJ transition speaks for itself, as well as the fact I stick my hands into corpses twice a week. Med studies are another positive change in my life.

I also wish to discuss the themes presented in Ex Nihilo. While I am still impressed with the quality of some passages, I can't help but notice a lot of them were an attempt. As a vent, Ex Nihilo didn't have an outline, it was written on the go, rendering many ideas and moments unfinished or improperly described. Sexuality, for example - I could've discussed it more. This wretched relationship od Fyodor's and MC's as well, I could've written it so much better.

Speaking of which, I recall a long comment on AO3, expressing deep concern for my well-being as the relationship between the two is written with a deep understanding of toxic relationships. I never got to reply to said comment, but yes, it seems that I was involved in a toxic relationship whose details I have, you guessed it, forgotten. It left quite the impression on me.

Coming back to the overall themes, I simply dislike what I've presented in this book. One can dislike their writing and still have it published, and I do. I have my first crappy fanfictions published here, Ex Nihilo is a true senior to them. But they never made me recoil whenever I get a notification from them. Every notification is a reminder of everything.

I now believe that Ex Nihilo was a culmination of all those complex bits of my life. I was yet to understand them. Ex Nihilo helped in processing them, but as it goes when you show your scars - you do not want to be seen for your weakness, or vulnerability. You want them to be your intimacy.

Ex Nihilo is not the intimacy I want to give you.

Having grown out of the dark period, I seek to explore issues and topics presented in Ex Nihilo in a way that is concise and constructive. Sexuality, love, religion, mental health, intimacy and existentialism are themes that I still write about, I admit, with understanding and maturity I lacked while writing Ex Nihilo.

But to say that this book didn't do any good is a blatant lie. I am still shocked to see surges of overwhelming support in the comments and private messages, where the readers also expressed how much the book meant to them. Some claimed it changed their life. I truly hope for the better. I truly hope it helped and brought you joy, for you have done the same for me. You've also made me realize I could write! So, write I did!

My original book, Far Goes The Farrago, is halfway done. Truly, whenever I think of it, I also think of Ex Nihilo. Had Ex Nihilo not taught me how (not) to write, I wouldn't have made this absolute masterpiece. Featuring demons and angels and religion and slaughter and queer relationships and all those topics that should've been (and are!) in Ex Nihilo... it is a pleasure to write. Because now, I know how. Now, it's with a huge smile.

I will try to have the book published in a year or so, once I finish it. If you liked Ex Nihilo, you will love it too. The characters are all funky... like Arkady... well, it is on my profile, give it a look in case you ever miss Ex Nihilo, eh? That's some consolation.

(Added note: I have unpublished Far Goes The Farrago and am working on a different book, but quite similar; see you there, maybe!)

And like an outgrown friendship, now we part ways. With bitter but desperately positive thoughts in our minds. I thank you infinitely, I kiss the cover of this book. We hope there is love in this world. Fyodor might've had it.