Newt and Thomas

So Close Yet So Far

Background: Thomas told Minho about Newt and Minho sent a search party to find a way back to Denver and search for his body. They found his body and brought it back. They buried him in a meadow not far from the village.

Thomas POV

I've only been to Newt's grave twice. Once was for the funeral. The second time was to take flowers up there.

Why do people visit cemeteries? They aren't there anymore. You're just as close to the person you lost when you're sitting on your couch with your headphones on playing sad songs that remind you of them whilst the TV plays a sad movie that is only on to have something to look at, which is what I'm always doing, as you are when you're sitting by their grave. Because all that's at the grave is their old, lifeless, cold, decaying body.

But I guess it's because people want to FEEL like they are closer to them. Most people's lives are so organized that they have to have a certain place to mourn to feel better.

Or maybe it's because at cemeteries you meet other people that are mourning and you mourn together. Then you don't feel like the only person who lost a loved one. You don't feel like the only person mourning somebody.

But here I was the only person who had a loved one in that "cemetery". It's not really a cemetery because only one person is actually buried there. I mean sure Minho loved Newt too and so did all the other Gladers. But they didn't love him like I love him. I didn't say loved because I didn't stop loving him when he died. I still love him.

At night memories of his laugh or his smile would have me waking up crying.

Some days I don't know if I'll make it to the end. Some days I just want to break down and cry and cry and cry and never stop. I want to be comforted by Newt and only Newt but now that he's not here anymore I don't want anyone to comfort me. Not Minho. Not Brenda. Not Aris. Not anyone.

Me and Aris have become a little closer lately though. I came to terms that him and Teresa were only trying to keep me alive and I forgave him.

I miss Teresa as well but not as much as Newt. Teresa was just a friend. Most of me wishes she wouldn't have saved me though. I would be with Newt right now if she hadn't.

That's not such a bad idea though, Dying. I would be with Newt, Chuck and Teresa. All there death had to do with me now that I think about it. I'm the reason there all dead. I don't deserve to live.

I'm not really sure if this is me talking or my depression that the mad jacks told Minho, Aris and Brenda about but it sure does sound inviting.

For the next couple of days I've spent all my time with Minho, Aris, and Brenda. Just so they have a few more memories of me.

It's night now and I'm running to the cliff. I don't even hesitate because if I hesitate I might change my mind or someone might try and stop me if they saw me running here. For a few seconds I feel like I'm flying. The wind in my face. Then a wave of pain then nothing. My eyes flutter open to the sound of his voice. The voice that's haunt my dreams for so long.

"You're here too early but man have I bloody missed you." He sighs at the end. I smile then get up and hug him. I hug him like at any second he could be snatched away from me again.

"I've missed you so much." I finally say.

I feel perfect until the moment Minho and Aris find my body the next morning while they were out running. They buried me next to Newt.

Not that I would be there though.

A/N sorry but my mom said something at my Mamaw's funeral about how she hasn't visited my poppy's grave and my Mimi (who was married to him) said "I haven't either because it's not like he's really there." and it inspired me to write this.