Dear Mr. Nobody

t w e n t y

Dear Hades,

My dearest confidant, my lost chance. I know I've done you wrong, and bear the weight of the consequences. I know we're still on good terms... But it's simply not the same. I wish, I wish, I wish. So many things I wish I would have done differently. I should have been fully open, I wish I could tell you so many things the way I felt when I was lost. I wish I could have that last chance, but it's unfair to you. It's okay to say 'I told you so.' I deserve to feel the brunt of the truth.
Consider this the start of the letters that you said I should write, to help sort my thoughts. God, I wish they could be boxed in some way, with a label stating "reasons why you shouldn't let them get too close" with hazard tape strewn across it. It would be too large for me to keep, much less carry. I could leave it in an abandoned lot somewhere, for everyone to see but never touch.

Touch. I wish I could stroke your beard, to let you feel the connection flow freely. I wish to just be held, having the safety of someone protecting me.

I wish so many things, like talking endlessly. Talking of nothing and everything. Yet, I know all words are just pretty words. Actions are the ugly truth.

The ugly truth is that I screwed up. Twice. And there's not a 3 try rule in your love.

Love. My idea of love is so unorthodox, no one will fit me. I know that is my choice, and the issue is my warped sense of the word. I want to heal. I want to grow.

How can I do that alone? I don't want to go through life alone. Sitting alone at the malls, alone in restaurants, alone driving trips back home. I'm not strong as people have seen me in the past. I'm soft and vulnerable now. I can only curl into my shell and carry on.

I say too much or not enough. These words are painful and burdensome for anyone to digest. My mind's current is too strong to fight... Please just know I love you. And for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

X. Kore