The Damage Of Denial

Chapter 8

Life changed so much for Ryan once he was out and he and Brendon started dating. He felt free and easy like he never had before. He didn't have to constantly monitor himself to make sure he was saying the right things or putting off the right image to project as a straight guy. He could just be himself, and it felt amazing.

Finally, he had a real relationship. One with someone he loved, who felt good to kiss and touch, and it never had to be forced. Ryan was finally feeling at home in his own skin, and was good with who he was. It was a liberating feeling.

And Brendon, as a boyfriend, was incredible. He was sweet, funny and thoughtful, and made Ryan feel good about himself. He felt so loved in Brendon's presence, like he could want for nothing. It definitely wasn't just lust; Brendon was his best friend and confidant, the one he told everything to. Their friendship ran just as deep as their want for each other.

True to what they agreed upon, they were taking things slowly, and it was working well for them. Since that first night they had been together, in the month they'd been dating, they hadn't gone further than heavy making out. They wanted to cement their relationship with one another as their basis for being a couple, not making sex the main attraction.

  It was a Friday night, and they had gone out and had a date. They went to a cheap but good little Mexican place on the edge of campus, then had walked to the student union and gone bowling. They still went out fairly often as a group with Jon and Spencer and their girlfriends, as well as Zee, but tried to reserve one night of the weekend for just the two of them.

As they were punching Ryan's floor into to the dorm elevator, Brendon looked at Ryan. "You do realize something, don't you?" His serious tone took Ryan by surprise.

  "Um...no. What?" Ryan was a little nervous. Brendon was rarely this serious.

  Then Brendon couldn't hold it any longer and he cracked up. "We suck at bowling!" he said as he laughed.

  Ryan laughed, and swatted his arm. "You ass! You were being all serious and had me scared for a minute," he chuckled.

   Brendon's laughing quieted down and he enveloped Ryan in a sweet hug. "Awww, baby, I'm sorry. You have nothing to be scared of, ever," he said, kissing Ryan's cheek.

  Ryan gave him a quick squeeze then released him and returned his kiss on the cheek, just as the elevator slowed to a stop. They linked hands, walking to Ryan and Spencer's room, and Ryan let them in.

  "Where's Spence tonight?" Brendon asked, as he toed off his shoes and plopped down on Ryan's bed.

  Ryan laid down next to Brendon and snuggled into him as he turned on the TV. "Spence, Haley, Jon and Cassie went to a party. He said he's staying at Haley's tonight."

  Brendon smiled at Ryan. "Ooh, so we have the place to ourselves?" he said in an overdramatic, fake-suggestive voice.

  Ryan laughed. "Well, yeah, we kinda do." Then Ryan turned to his side and petted his hand through Brendon's hair. "But seriously, I was wondering...do you wanna stay here with me tonight?"

  Brendon smiled and brushed noses with Ryan. "I do, as long as you want me to."

  Ryan nodded. "I do. I love the idea of falling asleep in each other's arms."

  "Mmmm," Brendon hummed. "That does sound pretty amazing. But we're gonna be so screwed, Ryan. We'll get this started, then we'll never want to stop!" he laughed.

  Ryan smiled. "I was kinda counting on that," he said softly.

   Brendon looked into Ryan's eyes for a few moments. "Good," he said softly, and leaned in to kiss Ryan.