Fragments

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost

This is a companion fic to the one written by JVH624 for the prompt 'angst.' She wrote a fantastic piece articulating the trials and tribulations of Ah Si during episode 30, please head over and read before this. J very graciously agreed to let me write the mirror piece. This is Shancai's PoV for the same scenes; hopefully you enjoy our interpretation. Thanks for reading!

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Stage One: Denial

Dong Shancai could honestly say she was unaccustomed to such abject misery, however, it wasn't everyday that one lost the love of their life. Daoming Si. A name that she had once detested with a burning passion, a name that she now loved with a fervour. How was it possible that her worst enemy had become her most beloved? Who would have thought the tides would turn this way, sweeping her along helplessly in it's flow? Love was something she had never actively sought, never really expected, but now she never wanted to let it go. She treasured Daoming Si's love and how freely he had bestowed it on her. She only wished that they were free to bask in each other's affection like every other couple on this godforsaken planet.

Dong Shancai was not the same person who had confronted Daoming Si all that time ago, brandishing her phone like a weapon and yelling fearlessly in his perplexed face. She wasn't the same girl who had faced him down like a warrior goddess, smacking him back into place when she thought he stepped out of line. No, she was just the nervous girl who had given her first kiss to the shell shocked boy accidentally and thereafter realised she had flames burgeoning in the pits of her stomach. She was just the silly girl who the reckless boy had selflessly protected with his very life on more than one occasion. She was the stubborn girl who had achingly slowly fallen in love with the sweet, patient boy, time and time again as he revealed his hidden heart of gold. However.... She couldn't forget she was also the cold girl who had smashed the stunned, faithfully besotted boy's golden heart to pieces over and over, leaving him shattered and broken in her wake. Shancai had a knack for breaking Daoming Si's heart more than she did raising it, and it made her positively sick to her stomach to realise this.

How could she dare to face him after their dramatic break up in the rain before his house? His face; it still haunted her every waking moment, she saw it behind her eyelids each and every time she blinked. His mother was an opponent she could not possibly fight, and as such, she had thrown in her gloves and fled like a coward. Not like the strong weed Daoming Si believed her to be at all. She wasn't worthy of his love, she never had been from the outset. Shancai could never be what he needed her to be. Daoming Si deserved so much better than the daughter of a mediocre financial advisor and a housewife turned home chef. Who did she think she was, dating such a prestigious member of the elite? Their dalliance had been doomed from the start. He was destined for greatness and his mother had made it abundantly clear that Shancai was not welcome in their world. Perhaps this is what Daoming Si should have told her from the start; they had only been deluding themselves. A girl like her would never fit into his ostentatious circle and everyone around them knew it and judged her for it. Even he himself probably knew it in the back of his mind and so she was better off not even trying to integrate herself into his familial life. The tiny girl couldn't fight it - she loved Daoming Si with every fibre of her being and whilst she wasn't ready to let him go, she had to acknowledge that she was no match for him or his mother. The truth had been staring her square in the eyes all along, she had just been too blind to see it. She wasn't enough. She would never be enough.

Shancai barely heard the words Li Zhen was saying to her, merely nodding mechanically and smiling vaguely in response to her friend's muted chatter. For once, the usually bubbly Shancai was completely devoid of energy, her reserves totally tapped dry. The tiny girl had been running on vapours for days, secluded in the fishing village that was far removed from reality with only her cherished memories of her favourite person keeping her sane. How many times had she looked at her pilfered photograph, the one she had sneaked out of his room? He looked so adorable with her squiggles on his face, even her weak artistry ineffective at marring his handsomeness. Shancai hadn't been able to leave that picture behind. However, now she was back in Mingde and she was finding it very increasingly hard to cope. The entire place was saturated with Daoming Si, it was if his heart beat in the very walls. It was in these halls where their ill fated relationship had began, it was in these halls where they had taken some of their most important steps, and it was in these halls where she couldn't avoid him, come hell or high water. He was omnipresent, all encompassing and despite how hard she had tried to outrun him, his love was inescapable. Shancai knew that better than anyone and it was killing her inside. Never before had she been so unconditionally loved, so protected, so free to be herself. Her parents had high expectations of her, the pressure to succeed and be the perfect daughter a dark shadow looming over her, ever casting it's oppressive shade. Her friends loved her when it was convenient for them or when she fit in with their ideals of the perfect friend; after all, how quickly had Li Zhen turned on her when she had set her sights on the Daoming heir, how quickly had Xiaozi latched onto her man whilst proclaiming friendship, and how quickly did Qinghe fall into a spell of resentment when she didn't return his affections?