19
What I Live For
I hung up the phone with a sick feeling in my mouth. Two days and I would be back in the Capitol. So how should I spend these last few days before my return to reality?
"Annie," I called, knocking on her front door, "it's Finnick."
She opened the door and I couldn't help but smile. Beautiful Annie, with her freckles and her lips and her worrying disregard for all my negative attributes. I held up the paddle I had in my hand with an enthusiastic grin, "Want to go for a boat ride?"
She smiled and nodded, running inside to grab us a lunch before joining me. "Any nightmares?" I asked, watching her closely.
"Not one. I'm telling you Fin, I really haven't been traumatized by this. You got there before anything really bad happened."
She'd been reassuring me that she hadn't been scared after the attack for the past two days, but I didn't believe her. Annie was many things, but strength wasn't one of them. I was hard for me to imagine she had absolutely no after effects from the attack besides a bump on her head.
We hopped into the dingy little boat and paddled out just far enough that we'd still be able to swim to shore if we needed to. I dropped the little anchor and sprawled back with my arms folded behind my back. The sun warmed my face and baked my hair making me all comfortable and sleepy. Annie crawled down beside me and tossed her hair over my chest and rested her head on my shoulder. I could just hope she was far enough up that she couldn't hear my heart pounding in my chest.
Would it really be that bad if she knew?
I thought about it and then decided that yes, it would very much be. Annie was too kind to leave me behind when she learned about my secret, but as far as anything romantic, that probably got trumped. How could she love me, knowing that even if I promised myself to her I'd still have to go to the Capitol and pretend like she didn't exist and share myself with countless others? She deserved better than that. I could give her anything she wanted, I could protect her and love her and think about her. But I'd never be able to change the past; to take back what I already gave away. She deserved someone that was going to be able to be with her and only her.
But the thought of Annie with someone else, holding some stranger's hand and kissing his lips...to picture Annie marrying another man and spending every morning in his arms. That made my stomach twist. But it wasn't possible for me to have both. Annie couldn't be happy with me, but I couldn't be happy without her. So I'd just have to take the latter.
After laying there for a while, I started to feel my stomach growl. Annie must have heard it too because she giggled this choky little laugh and sat up.
"What's wrong with your laugh?" I asked her with a cocked eyebrow. It sounded like she was trying almost not to laugh.
"Oh I have no idea, it's been doing that. Now, let's find the food," she said dismissively. The boat wasn't very big, so we figured out pretty quick that our basket of food was back on the shore.
"I cannot believe I forgot it," Annie sighed, squinting at the dock. It was there, I could see it, laughing at us.
"No problem," I shrugged, pulling off my shirt, "I wanted to go for a swim anyway."
I dove in the water with a little too much vigor, capsizing the boat with me.
"Aug!" Annie cried out in surprise, her head popping out of the water next to the overturned boat. I laughed and helped her flip the boat back over.
"There," I said, starting to swim away, "You can climb back in now, right?"
She nodded and so I turned around and dove underwater, swimming for the dock. I'd gotten a lot faster lately, so in just a minute I was already half way. I turned around and saw Annie still trying to pull herself into the boat, but having a clumsy time of it. She reached up with her right hand and yanked down the edge, trying to get a leg up into it, but it was start to fill up with water and she'd have to stop. I shook my head and kept swimming, finally reaching the dock and swinging myself up. Yep, there was our basket.
