Chapter 24
James
When Nadine comes back in the house, I’m watching TV, but not really watching it.
Mostly I’m grinding my teeth, hating myself for bringing up Paulo's name last night. It’s like I summoned the bastard by uttering his name out loud.
Because how else, after three weeks of us not even mentioning him, has it come to be that he’s on my goddamn front porch, talking to my—
Best friend.
I hear the front door close with a quiet click, and I tense, listening for the second set of footsteps that would indicate that Paulo has been invited inside.
When Nadine appears in the living room alone, I breathe out a quiet sigh of relief, although I never look away from the TV, not wanting to give away too much.
Not wanting her to see…Hell, I don’t even know what it is I don’t want her to see.
Only when she sits beside me and breathes a big sigh do I turn to face her, silencing the TV as I do so.
“Talk or mute?” I ask, defaulting to our old game. Because although a part of me wants to shake her and demand that she spill every last detail of whatever Paulo said to her, she’s still my friend, first and always, and I’ll be whatever she needs me to be.
Even if that’s quiet.
She blows out another long breath. “Paulo wants to get back together.”
The words tear at me a little, even though I’d been pretty prepared for them. I mean, why else would he wait around on our front porch like a loser, and then go and throw in that little reminder of when he used to sneak into Nadine's bedroom on family vacations?
And that—that—is what’s really clawing at me. The knowledge that not only was I just a stand-in for Paulo on the Lustre family vacation, but that I’d also been a stand-in in Nadine's bed last night.
Here I’d been romanticizing the whole thing like some sort of dope, whereas for Nadine it was old hat.
“How do you feel about that?” I force myself to ask. How do you feel about him?
Her head falls back onto the couch and she looks exhausted.
Which, I guess, is better than her being all giddy about the fact that Paulo finally saw what an idiot he’d been. But I’d prefer if she was maybe just a touch scathing, and a bit more forthcoming with some sort of over-my-dead-body proclamation at his get-back-together request.
“I don’t know,” she says. “I’m…it’s all so weird and confusing.”
She turns her head then, meeting my eyes for the first time really since last night, and I get the feeling she’s asking me something, but I don’t know what, and even if I knew the question, I sure as fuck wouldn’t know the answer.
“You’ll figure it out, Nadz.” It’s the only thing I can think of to say.
“Do you think I should get back together with him?”
Oh God, don’t ask me that.
“I think you should do what you want to do,” I answer carefully.
Her arm swings out and she thwacks me across the chest. “Don’t be that guy. I need advice, damn it. Be my friend.”
I smile a little at her joking tone, because maybe things aren’t so changed between us after all.
Maybe last night was just a weird fluke. A moment of weakness, or whatever.
There’s no reason we can’t go back to how we were before, with our easy jokes. Even if she gets back together with Paulo. Maybe that’s exactly what we need to pick up where we left off.
Back when our weekends involved harmless trips to IKEA, not trips to the beach that ended in mind-blowing sex.
“Don’t make it so complicated,” I tell her. “You’ve just got to decide. Are you happier with Paulo? Or without him?”
“Riiiiight. Nothing complicated about that little tiny decision,” she says sarcastically.
I pat her hand where it’s fallen to my thigh. “You’ll figure it out.”
If my fingers linger just for a moment, we both ignore it. Because we each know that if she gets back together with Paulo, these casual, lingering touches will be a thing of the past.
Nadine's chewing on a fingernail on her other hand, staring straight ahead. Her forehead’s all creased, and I know she’s overthinking this.
“Okay, walk me through the conversation,” I say. “Was it just a Sorry, babe, my bad, let’s pretend it didn’t happen?”
She rolls her eyes. “He’s not you. He cares about these things.”
My head snaps back a little, stung, but she’s too lost in thought to notice.
Is that what she thinks of me?
That I’m not capable of caring about people just because I don’t want to be in a committed relationship?
“He just got wrapped up in work and school. Didn’t know how to balance it all,” Nadine explains.
I frown, not at all liking the way Paulo seems to compartmentalize his life. A guy lucky enough to have Nadine as his girlfriend should be all consumed by her. She shouldn’t be a checkbox on his “balanced life” worksheet.
“So what changed?” I ask.
She shakes her hand free of mine, and then leans all the way forward so that she’s staring at the floor. “He realized he needs me. Loves me.”
I swallow. “And you need him? Love him?”
The words feel sour on my tongue, and my body feels tight, like it wants to physically reject the words. And especially wants to reject what her answer will be.
“I think so,” she says quietly.
I ignore the strange splintering feeling inside me. “You think?”
“I don’t know!” she says, exploding off the couch. “I…can we just go back to the beginning of the conversation? I want to choose mute. I need to think, and I can’t think with you chirping in my ear.”
My temper spikes. “Not thirty seconds ago you were begging me for my thoughts on this. It’s not like I’ve been sitting here dying to force my opinion on you.”
“Do you even have an opinion?” she shoots back. “On anything?”
“I’ve got plenty of them,” I say, fully angry now. “But not on this. This has nothing to do with me!”
My outburst hangs between us, and she nods. “Right. You’re right, of course. This has nothing to do with you. I’m sorry, I just…I’m overwhelmed is all.”
“I know,” I say quietly. “I’m sorry for yelling at you. Probably not helpful.”
Her smile is small and sad and she doesn’t meet my eyes.
“Nadz?” Instinctively, I know there’s something more. Something she hasn’t said yet.
Something I’m not going to like.
She lifts her eyes to mine, and they’re wide and a little bit scared.
“Paulo wants me to move in with him.”
There’s no air in the room. I can’t even breathe.
“What did you tell him?” I manage.
“That I needed some time.”
I nod. “What are you going to tell him?”
Her eyes never leave mine, pleading with me to understand. “I’m going to tell him yes.”
