reunited - ryden

Chapter 5

A few days pass. I visit Z, we go out to eat a couple of times and she tells me about her boyfriend. He sounds nice, and good for her. I tell her I'm happy for her. She nods and buys a bottle of wine. She knows me too well, knows that I'm spiralling down into a state of panic.

She doesn't have to say anything, and neither do I. It's just one of those things we don't need to talk about. Instead, we get drunk off the wine.

She tells me her boyfriend is bad in bed, and that she's worried he's too boring, that he'll try to drag her down.

I tell her I still love Brendon Urie. Things we could never say when sober, but that slip out so easily now.

"Man, jus' fuckin tell him ya love him," she slurs, staring at me, eyebrows raised in a way that lets me know how right she thinks she is. I groan.

"Can't lose him again." I mutter, face now pressed against a cushion. I can't be bothered to argue with her, but apparently she's ready for it.

"So? Common, dude, whats the worst tha' could happen?" She giggles, pouring more wine, and spilling most of it onto the table than into her glass. Probably a good thing. I turn over to face her, glaring.

"I just said! I don't wanna lose him again!" She laughs, hands me another drink.

"Then don't, I guess. At least you're not gonna die alone or with the most boring man ever." She sighs.

"God, Z, look at us both. What the fuck are we doing? Why can't either of us just finally have a decent fucking relationship? What's wrong with us that means we don't deserve that?" Coming from me, that's really something. But whether it's the alcohol screwing up my brain, or just a realisation that even I deserve something better than pining after a lost love, it's how I feel.

—

Brendon doesn't text for another month. I don't text him either, too scared that he's blocked me.

Even if he wouldn't necessarily see a text after blocking the number, I can't face the rejection of a 'not delivered' message. So I don't. While I always thought that writing lyrics was the one thing I was good at, it also appears to be cowardice.

But sometime during the second month of radio silence, I finally get a text. It's 3am.

Brendon: hey man, sorry about the lack of anything recently.

Brendon: got into some stuff, but I'm back now. you around? :)

He 'got into some stuff'? What the fuck does that mean!? Drugs? Crime? Or maybe just got too deep into writing music. Either way, it's worrying me.

Ryan: Some stuff? You alright man?

Not the smoothest thing I've ever said, but I'm too worried to actually care.

Brendon: yeah, ok, maybe not the best thing to say. dont worry, it was just some stuff w sarah - nothing illegal

Huh. Ok. Can I ask what he means? Or is it too nosy?

I won't take the risk.

Ryan: Long as you're not into the mafia or anything. And yeah, I'm around.

He doesn't reply for a while, and while I don't exactly sit around waiting for him to reply, I don't really get up to much else. I end up scrolling through the contacts on my phone - from my mom, to the very first manager we had. Pete's in there, someone I really haven't spoken to in a while.

A name pops up. One I haven't seen in at least two years. This guy I met, Dane, in a bar. Back when I was kind of famous, as in, MTV, interviews, famous, it was pretty easy to pick guys up in bars. And after I split from the band, and from Brendon, I would fuck almost anything.

Dane was one of those guys. Except, he stuck around after. Actually wanted to talk to me rather than just get to say he fucked a semi-famous dude. So, we went on a few dates. I liked him. And then...I can't remember what happened. Alcohol, I'm guessing.

Losing everything that meant anything to me really fucked me up, funnily enough, and I guess he just wanted out until I was better.

I think I'm better now.

I call him.

"Ryan? Is that you?"

-

aaah so sorry about the lack of updates, i'll try to update more frequently but no to the 3 people reading this i haven't forgotten !! 

thanks for reading!!! <3