Devotion

Chapter One

Ezra POV:

I feel emptier than I have ever felt. What I did to her was self indulged, heartless and messy. I think I may have really lost her, and I never felt that it would bring on this much pain.

It was a sleepless night on the ski lift. Aria was sitting as far away as she possibly could. She looked straight ahead, not even acknowledging my presence. I don't know what to say or do, or where my boundaries lay. One wrong word could set her off. What I want is to grab both her hands and plead for her forgiveness, for things to go back to the way they were. The way that they were when we would spent our Saturdays watching cartoons, or our nights huddled in my apartment eating vegan takeout, or even being able to look at her without having to see her flinch. But she's wiser than I am, and she deserves better. She has flaming self respect, and she won't let herself be torn by my betrayal. Even though, the ground below us is covered in pages of a book I'll never publish.

"Aria.." She doesn't answer.

"Please." I beg. I'm being far too needy, and I feel immature for putting her through my childishness. But I'm desperate.

"I don't know what you want me to say." Her voice sounds distant. It's the first time she's spoken in hours.

"I want you to tell me what I can to to fix this."

She laughs humourlessly, and I glance at her swollen eyes, and her now dried mascara leaks down her cheeks. Her lips chapped from her crying. I feel so guilty I can't contain myself for doing this to her, or anyone, for that matter. I was supposed to be the good brother. The selfless, easy going and kind brother. Wes was the non genuine one.

"You can stay the hell out of my life." She looks me in the eyes. "I don't need this, you, or any of your trouble. You're a monster, Ezra. I hate you!" She shakes from all the tears that fall from her face. I want to comfort her so badly, but I have to remind myself that these things take time. She can't hate me. She doesn't.

"Aria, we both know that's not true." I stated. I tried my hardest not to let my tears fall. My voice cracked when I said it, and I knew I was on the verge of crying.

"Oh right. If I hated you, then why would I be crying?" She paused, "I love you. I gave you my entire heart." She said this softly. A fresh tear ran down her face. I couldn't contain my feelings any longer at that point.

"I didn't know I was going to fall in love with you. I gave you my heart, too. Aria, I'm sorry. I'm so, so-" I stopped as my voice couldn't take in the concealing any longer. I put my hands in my face, as I knew it pained her to see me cry.

"You never loved me." She said coldly. "Nobody that despicable is capable of love."

A fews months ago, I would have agreed to that. A few months ago, she was finally getting her life together. She was working hard at school, spending time with all her friends and dating Jake. Everything was okay for her. But I knew that there was something different. She acted in a pattern the last few months. She would avoid seeing me anywhere, and when she couldn't she would try and act as busy as she could. She didn't want to be near me at all, and as much as that killed me, my "son" was out of my life too.

It had been a few rocky months, and I was nowhere near being stable. I drank myself to sleep almost every night. I found a way to keep it together for teaching, but inside I felt numb. I was about as loveable as a wooden chair. I needed her, but she didn't need me. I thought all of this was regarding our breakup, but it seemed something more.