Thoughts

But I know that you will always be with me

Something in me changed me when I heard my grandma had cancer again. It broke me… It was 3 months ago, my dad called me when I was in school. I heard his voice. It was sad and it was like he lost his hope. He said he’d go to my grandma to support her. And I directly called my girlfriend, who didn’t answer her phone (as usual).
I decided to call a good friend of hers who is in the same school as my girlfriend and she did answer her phone. I said that I directly had to have my girlfriend on the phone and I when I heard my girlfriend her voice I burst out in tears. She said that we could meet that afternoon so I went to her house. And when I saw her I started to cry again.
She kissed my forehead and hugged me. I was crying in her arms like I never did before. “I’m going to lose her…” I said. “No. You are not.” My girlfriend looked me in the eyes “She’s always here.” She said as she put her hand on my chest where my heart was.

One and a half month later… The doctors said it was beyond saving… They tried chemos for 3 weeks but it didn’t work… They said they didn’t knew how long it’d take before my grandma would pass away… So I decided to go to my grandma to ask what she really wanted to do for the last time. She said she wanted to go with me and my girlfriend to Burgers Zoo in Arnhem. I just got my driver’s licence 1 month so my grandma was giggling all the time about my girlfriend being stressed sitting next to me. The day was just awesome. My girlfriend pushed my grandma’s wheelchair almost the whole day and they really seemed to have fun together.
I was more in myself that day. Thinking about how it’d be without my grandma… She’ll never see my kids or see me and my girlfriend married or see our first little house for ourselves. I remember my favourite part of that day. After we got out of Burgers Zoo we decided to get some ice cream. We sat on a wall and grandma was sitting next to it in her wheelchair. You should’ve seen her enjoying her vanilla and strawberry ice cream. She ate it like it was the first time she tasted it. My girlfriend saw me looking at my grandma, she took my hand and squeezed it a little bit…

One month later we got the message my grandmother passed away. I locked myself in my room. I just couldn’t handle the pain that was filling my heart. From that moment I knew I was going to miss one of the most important persons in my life for the rest of my own life…

3 days later... We walked into the little building where we could see my grandma for the last time. I hold my girlfriends hand while we walked into the room where she was laid in the coffin. It was like she was sleeping… I touched her hand and I was shocked by how cold she felt. That made me realize that she wasn’t going to wake up… I was trying to hold my tears in. “It’s okay sweetie…” my girlfriend whispered and my tears started rolling down my cheeks.

The cremation was another 3 days later. It was so beautiful but so hard to see all the persons I really care about crying while they told about my grandma. About how they knew her and what they thought of her. Then it was my turn. I walked to the front of the small room and looked at the coffin, it was closed this time. I stood behind the desk and started to tell. I told about how we went shopping together each year for new shoes.
And about what we did when I slept at my grandma’s house. Also I told about what I learned from her and I told how proud my grandma was for me being myself. Me not caring about what people thought of me liking girls instead of boys and how I changed because of that view. It was hard to see my grandpa and my girlfriend cry after I said my words but somehow I felt proud of my grandma having so much people caring about her and loving her for who she was and always will be.

It’s two weeks later. I’m sitting on the same wall in Arnhem with my girlfriend where we were with my grandmother one and a half month ago. This time not with ice cream but with a balloon with Winnie The Pooh and Piglet on it, hand in hand and her ashes in a little heart in my necklace.
I looked up the sky and started talking. “I miss you a lot grandma… I think a lot about how happy you was… You didn’t deserve to die this way. But as you said: you had a happy life and it goes how it goes. I see grandpa being sad a lot. We go a lot to him to show him that he’s not alone. I feel alone a lot too… But I know you will always be with me.” I said while a tear was rolling down my cheek. “In here” and I put my hand on my heart.
“This is for you grandma…” I let go of the balloons rope. My girlfriend took my hand and we looked at the balloon till it was out of our sight…