Arranged To Be His

Chapter 6

I laid in bed trying to distract myself from thinking about the conversation that took place barely a few moments ago. I didn't want to cry. I couldn't. I knew if even a single tear was let lose, all the emotions and feelings I had been bottling up for quite a while would come spilling out. I hated crying. It made me feel weak and vulnerable; like I was completely helpless.

Unable to handle my inner turmoil, a single tear slowly rolled down my cheek, followed by another in rapid succession before it turned into an unbroken stream. I hugged myself, curling up into a fetal position, trying to find some sort of comfort; but relief was a luxury that I could not afford.

I clutched my chest, whimpering. It was becoming difficult to breathe. I couldn't do this anymore. Life really was unfair. Yet again, like so many other nights before, I cried all night until my eyes ran out of tears to cry and my body was too drained of energy to stay awake. I tossed and turned all night, not even able to find solace in the dark silence of the night, my inner turmoil gnawing away at my insides.

Soon enough, I felt the rays of the sun pouring through the cracks in the curtains, waking me up from the restless slumber that had done me more harm than good. The sunny morning, unfortunately, could not shine through the gloomy clouds that hung over my head. I groggily pulled myself out the bed and dragged my feet to the bathroom. I winced at my reflection in the mirror, immediately thinking of ways to cover my red, swollen eyes and blotchy skin.

After applying some foundation, concealer and a lot of blush to make my pale face look more lively, I walked out of my room. It seemed that I had gotten up earlier than usual and I made a short prayer that everyone would still be asleep. I couldn't bear to even look at my parents, let alone have any sort of interaction with them.

I peeked into the living room to check if the coast was clear. Being greeted by a dark and empty room gave me all the reassurance I needed to swiftly grab a granola bar from the pantry and scramble out of the house before anyone had the chance to get up.Throughout the course of the day, I had my coworkers ask me if I was feeling okay. Some of them even joked about how I was trying to impress the new kid because I made the effort to doll myself up. Little did they know, I was only trying to hide any after effects of a moment of weakness.

Once I got off from work, I took the long route home, stopping by a hill at the outskirts of town. It was my go to spot when I needed time away from home, when the people in that house were suffocating me and I felt like I couldn't breathe with a noose constantly around my neck. I climbed the hill, trying hard to maintain my balance while also making sure I didn't touch anything. I needed to look like I came directly home from work.

As soon as I reached the top, I was greeted by a gust of cold wind. I felt goosebumps rise along my arms as it hit my bare skin. It felt refreshing and exhilarating. I looked at the city below, how the cars looked like little ants, returning to their homes, how the ginormous skyscrapers lining the streets didn't look that big anymore. I couldn't help but admire tiny orbs of light that decorated every inch of the beautiful city.

It amazed me how everything looked so different and yet the same from up here, how everything seemed small and tiny with a change in view and a little bit of distance. It somehow made me feel the same way about my issues.

It wasn't as big of deal, was it? Like always, I was probably just blowing things out proportion. I was overreacting.