Twisted Connections

Tessa

Tessa tied the knots of her running shoes, her fingers shaking. She knew she should sleep, the thoughts that stemmed from this worry came easily to her lips. Having dark circles under her eyes, messy hair, falling asleep in class, the questions that would follow. But her teeth were chattering and her stomach churned once again so without thinking any more, she popped her earphones in and left the apartment. With each slap of the pavement against her feet, she addressed a worry. The vomiting. Breathe. Her mum, in bed. Breathe. Her father, god knows where. Breathe. Her scholarship. Breathe. Roland's party. Breathe. The anti-depressants. Breathe. The rent. Breathe. Her legs gave way beneath her and she felt herself fall to the floor, her palms scraping against the concrete. Immediately pain flared in her head as it made a sickening crunch with the ground. Embarrassment flowed up through her and Tessa looked around to see if anyone had noticed. At nearly 3 am in the morning, the riverside pavement was deserted, with only a couple of women chattering loudly across the street. Safe in the knowledge that they were probably too drunk to care about the teenage girl crying by the river, Tessa let her head fall back down to the floor. Her legs were shaking again, and her eyes pricked with tears but she just let her body breathe, watching the railing come back into focus. Curling into a ball, she tried to block the thoughts that came flowing back after the shock of the fall.

6 months ago

Her father hadn't come back from work. Tessa noticed because it was late, and he was supposed to be cooking dinner. She picked at a hangnail, thinking through the possibilities of why he wasn't home. Had he been in a car accident? Was his company filled with fraud? She shook out her dark curls and stopped herself, steeling her jaw so she wouldn't let her teeth start to shake. His company wasn't fraudulent and she was being ridiculous. Probably. 

"Mom," she yelled from the dining room, hating the worried edge to her voice. Her mother didn't answer. Going up the stairs she couldn't deny the feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach. The feeling that had started to be there more and more often. "Maman!"

Tessa and her mother were French, from a small town in the mountains called Pratz de Mollo. Her mother had met her father when she was a chalet girl and he and his family had come for a business holiday. It had all seemed so romantic to Tessa, but despite this, she had hardly ever been to Pratz. Her father had said that there wasn't enough time, and there were better places to ski. Tessa had agreed but still..."Mom!"

Her mother let out a sigh from her ensuite, so Tessa rushed through the bedroom to find her. She wanted to vomit when she did. Her mother was stood on the tiny balcony of their suite, her hair flying out behind her. She looked almost like an angel, in a thin golden dressing gown, but Tessa was primarily concerned with the fact her feet were on the edge of the railing.

"Maman," her voice was barely above a whisper. Her mother turned, her feet rocking dangerously so that her body lurched over the edge. Her face was streaked with tears. Her mother had always been avec les fées, her grandmother had said. It meant "away with the fairies", but Tessa had never imagined that... "Mamma get down. You shouldn't be up there." She could feel the fear in her throat. 

Her mother looked at her. "Your papa has left us. Tessa. He's gone." Tessa shook her head. "He's not gone, he's late. Maman get down." Her mother laughed, and the movement nearly sent her over the edge. 

"Late! Your papa is always late. I should have known, I should have known!" She was crying, her voice nearly animalistic like a howl. "He has another family, Tess. He has another woman. He's amoureux." Her mother began a stream of french, but Tessa couldn't hear. Her father was in love? She wanted to cry. She wanted her mother. She wanted to have stayed downstairs. Her mother turned again, swaying over the edge of the balcony. "I should have known." She was whispering too now. I knew, thought Tessa, I knew.

Tessa sat in the shower, her body still shaking. Her palms had stopped bleeding, and all that remained were scrapes. Cat scratches, she would lie. It wasn't the perfect excuse, but she didn't want to admit she had fallen over. Adley might kick her off the cheer squad. A hysterical laugh almost rose up in her throat- she was worrying about the cheer squad? Seriously? Before she knew it though, bile was rising in her throat and her body hunched over. She barely had  time to pull her hair away from her face before she vomited again, coughing on the bitter taste of acid as she was nearly suffocated. She let the water wash the vomit away as she breathed rakishly again. She shouldn't have been thinking of that day again. Tessa turned off the tap and left the shower.

She was late by the time that she left the apartment. She had taken time brushing her teeth to get rid of the taste and smell of vomit, and then dressed into the outfit she had chosen the night before. The first day of senior high school. Tessa had dreamed of this day, but now as she put on some chunky white platform heels, straight leg jeans and an egg-white blouse she had found in Paris, she wished she could stay at home. Her mother wasn't up yet, so Tessa got out the pestle and mortar and crushed up the pills. Two pink, one clear, one blue. Tessa had given up on her mother remembering, so she put them in a camomile tea and stirred the drink until the cloudiness had disappeared. 

Adley picked her up every day in her jeep, so Tessa didn't have to deal with the worries of the school bus. She knew that it was privileged and a spoilt thing to say, but still she wished she didn't have to ride with Addie. Each minute  was a marathon. Still when Addie pulled up, she had smiled, kissed her on the cheek and put her feet on the dashboard. It was a well rehearsed routine, and like an actor reading lines, she had quizzed her friend on her summer. Boys on the beach, parties, the hot lifeguard she had almost hooked up with. Almost, being the defining word. Adley was seeing Roland, a tall Brazilian senior like them, who Tessa hated. Okay, hate was strong word, but Roland deserved it. He was sleazy, a jerk and his weekly parties were one of the main causes of Tessa's anxiety. 

"So what about you? Any city boys caught your eye?" Adley said city like it was exotic. When Tessa had first told her she was staying in the city, Adley had thought that meant galas and parties, and shopping. For Tessa it meant her mother, the doctor's, her mother's business.

"I'm not looking for anyone, you know that." Adley shoved her ruefully. 

"You're no fun. C'mon, we're 17, at the prime of our lives. This is the best year for a little fun. This is one of our last years for a little fun." Tessa hoped this wasn't the prime of her life.

"Well I did see this guy..." Tessa went on to talk about a boy she had talked to. She strung out the story, adding and embellishing bits to try and hide the fact it had been a three-minute conversation at the grocery store. 

Tessa knew she was pretty, in a Parisian way. She knew this only because she looked like her mother, and her mother had been gorgeous before well...She was used to looks, people coming to talk to her, the bell boy giving her little smiles, and she had hated it. To deal with her anxiety, Tessa pretended to be extraverted. She told rehearsed stories, dragged herself into social situations and treated her feelings of nausea like a disobedient pet.

Adley laughed a little bit at her story and then told her about her classes, Roland, her parents. Tessa nodded, and hmmed and ahhed at the right moments, letting her head rest against the car seat as she let her friend take over the conversation. She barely noticed the fact her finger was bleeding after she worried the skin during the conversation, and that her legs were shaking. This year was going to be different. Tessa was going to make it work.