Angel Dust

10

The drive back felt unreal.

The whole time, our silence sat heavy between us. It was as if fear had grown a body and wedged itself between our stiff bodies. The discomfort made my throat dry.

I felt it's sickly hand on my thigh and it's warm breath in my ear, whispering softly, "What if?".. "Who will?".. "What will become?"..

The fear within uncertainty is nothing I've grown accustomed to but a feeling I've known well of.

I was completely sick of it. My arms moved to hug my body but I stopped as the cuffs rang loudly in our silence. My eyes shifted to James who watched the road.

His fingers that held the other end of the cuffs slipped off to hold the wheel instead. I didn't say anything as I shifted my body to face away from him.

My eyes drifted shut as I laid my head against the cold window, "She was so close.." My mind replayed the memory of my sister on the docks.

Her sweet smile as she laughed with the girl beside her, sharing their excitement for the trip to come and the futures that they shared. They would have ran ahead if they could.

It made me sick to my stomach.

Was it jealousy? Is it wrong to want to be the other girl? To laugh and be close with her? To have just one single thing to share excitement over?

I didn't want an answer as I looked out the window again, seeing my apartment building come closer and closer. I couldn't bring myself to even look at James as he pulled into a parking spot.

We sat in silence for a moment, each waiting for the other to speak. My chest felt heavy and my mouth full of cotton. I couldn't break our silence if I wanted to.

The car unlocked with a soft click and I didn't hesitate to swing the door open. Something made me hesitate. I didn't know if it was the fear of another lone night or what I was expecting James to say.

"Alice.. I'm s-" I didn't let him finish as I sent him a harsh look over my shoulder. His lips stilled as he watched me climb out the car and slam it shut.

My feet sped up as I rushed around the car and towards the front steps. I didn't want another apology or a selfish explanation. I didn't want to hear shit from his mouth for the rest of the night.

I ripped the front door open as I held my coat closed tighter. I could feel the build up of tears coming and the last thing I needed was to be anywhere but my bedroom floor.

The bell on the door rang loudly behind me as I tiredly dragged myself to the elevator. My knuckle pressed against the button as I stood there with my arms crossed. The sound of metal caught my attention as James' cuffs swung loosely on my wrist. "Great." I sighed as I waited for the elevator to open and tucked the cuff up my sleeve.

Last thing I needed was someone to poke their head out and see my sorry ass crying and hobbling down the halls with cuffs.

The sound of a bell snapped me out my thoughts and made my heart sink further. I didn't want to turn around and see who entered. I didn't need to.

The familiar cologne made my chest tight as I turned away to the steps. I didn't want to stand near him any longer. His hand caught my arm, "Don't leave." His tone was sharp as he turned me to face him, "I know you don't want to hear me say sorry so I won't.. even though I am." He spoke carefully as he watched my face.

I didn't say anything. I didn't want to. I could only keep my face still as I watched him. He fell quiet for a moment, looking for something to say.

A soft ding rang in the air between us as the elevator doors finally opened. A soft sigh left my lips at the empty carriage and I quickly stepped on.