My Last Poem

I tried everything to feel that sense of belonging. I did everything to know the answers to the confusing questions they left in my scarred heart because I believed that if I knew, I could move on so I dwelled on my mistakes.

How could people be so mean?
Could people really hurt someone and not care?
Could people who you thought were your friends stab you in the back and laugh at your mistakes?
Could they turn your back on you easily when you are in the dark and damned confused with the truth behind hatred and betrayal?

I wanted to leave. I was grateful I could leave everything behind and maybe start somewhere that didn't have memories that bring back the pain in my heart.

Lost friendship because of misunderstandings, backstabbing and betrayal. It was true that the world was unfair. Just cruel. It made me realize that "Happy Endings" weren't real and good people aren't found anywhere.

I searched for the answers to my questions to be able to understand things so I could let go easier and I was brought here.

"Emily! Let's play pass the ball outside!" these kids who were part of the church we attended invited me.

I was thin and looked younger than my age so others mistaken me as a high school student and being invited to the activities for the kids was part of that. I looked at them and told myself how fragile they looked and didn't know a single thing about the real world.

I, together with my family,  attended the church twice a week during weekends and met with the same people. Nothing special for me until this boy who was five years younger than me, started gaining my attention. His name was Denver.

He looked for me immediately when we attended the church and sat beside me and we would be inseparable. Friendship took place and something in him took over my heart and one day, his presence made me feel this inexplicable warmth overflowing in my whole body that it made me feel like my heart would burst in happiness.

It was satisfying but scary because I wasn't used to the kind of happiness he brought me but I let it happen. And everyday I knew, my heart was healing slowly but surely and the pain was being replaced with the kind of love he was giving me.

He never left my side and being able to see him even just twice a week filled the emptiness I had. The dark path of my life was enlightened.

We were happy when we held hands and my favorite part was when we sincerely looked at each other's eyes and the smiles we shared came naturally. I knew I needed him to be with me and I wanted it to be the way it was, so we could stay with each other for always.

However, I grew more and more scared of what we had. Our friendship was slowly taken over by something more special. I was falling in love with him. I wasn't sure about his feelings but how he acted reciprocated what I felt for him and it made me fear such kind of happiness.

Because I couldn't express my true feelings though I knew it showed, I wrote poems dedicated to him. I gave him the second poem I wrote for him as a birthday present and I was glad he appreciated it and the rest of the poems I posted on my own blog.

"Emily, you're going back to your hometown soon? So, when you come visit us here, you're going to have a boyfriend, right?" Ginnie, one of the kids there who was on the same age group as Denver, asked.

I was with the youth and kids of the church in the park by the church and were looking after them while the adults were having a meeting for an upcoming out of town celebration of the church's anniversary. Time sure flew fast and it was already a year that I was here and my friendship with Denver was almost a year, too.

Denver and I sat beside each other on a very low branch of a tree facing Nina, Denver's sister and Ginnie, who was in his age group, faced us but sat on the ground and were looking up at us even though we're not that high up. The kids, on the other hand, were playing.

Denver was watching me read a book and also talked to me before Ginnie asked the question which sounded silly to me.

"Maybe," I replied to her question then I felt my heart race as I saw a glimpse of Denver's disappointed or disconnected look.

He jumped down from where we sat because it was that low we could jump down easily and he was headed somewhere.

"Where are you going?" I asked before he left.

"Gonna get something to drink," he said in a steady and serious tone of voice.

When he was gone, Nina and Ginnie were smiling at me so I raised my brows to ask why they did so and they looked at each other.

"He seems jealous," Ginnie said and Nina seemed to agree with Ginnie's idea.

I closed my book and jumped down to sit with them on the grass.

"I don't think so," I shook my head once in disagreement then Denver came back with two cups filled with pepsi in his hand.

"Here," he gave Ginnie then he sat beside me.

I did feel a pang of jealousy thinking he gave her something to drink but didn't bring one for me but I tried to act cool.

"That's for you and Nina," he said.

"This is for me and Emily," he added and handed me the cup and I felt butrerflies in my stomach and it even felt like my heart was growing its own wings and also started fluttering making it hard for me to breathe normally and hide the happiness I felt.

Nina and Ginnie looked at Denver and me and their smiles made me feel guilty of something I wasn't sure of.

Was it right that I was tolerating the kind of joy he was giving me?
Was I assuming wrongly?
Could I be labeled a cradle snatcher because I was in love with him?

I felt guilty. I felt like I was swindling his youth away from him. Every weekend and every time he had no classes, he would be with me. If it was their family time, he would bring me along with them and if I attended seminar or had somewhere else to go, he would wait for me so we would have time to be alone together. Even just sitting there with him throughout the day brought me happiness because I knew he wanted to be with me. He wanted to smile at me and meet my gaze which melted my heart every time and I wanted it, too.

But I was guilty and felt selfish because I felt like he was dedicating all his time to be with me. I even overheard his mom talking to her friend that all Denver did was talk about me and that she could feel her son was already falling in love for the first time. I was touched but I also grew scared that one day, he would lose his interest in me and he would leave me broken.

I didn't want to hate him. I wanted to cherish all of the sweet memories we had together, so I compiled the poems I wrote for him and planned to give it during our outing and so I did.

He didn't open it immediately and I made sure, I would be gone by that time. Then I heard from Nina and Ginnie that he was looking for me exactly at the time my dad called for us to go home and so I rode our car and when we left, I looked back and saw him looking at us leaving them behind. I didn't wait for his reply because I knew it had to be goodbye.

But after a few years, I realized something. I thought that it would be the last poem I would be writing for him but it seems that my goodbye would not be appropriate to give him.

I locked him in a special place in my heart and he would never be a part of my past but would always be a part of my present because the way he made me felt special would always inspire me to be a better person and would always remind me of my self-worth. No one could take that away from me. He was God's gift of love for me.

I still wish that someday, we could continue what we had and let the feelings blossom with no fear and regret. To love and be loved in the right place at the right time with the right person.